This is my first time posting. I have been reading various posts for the past few days. I'm hoping someone will hear my story and maybe have some advice or support.
My story is long, but I will try to condense it. 7 years ago, went through marriage counseling- learned how to fight nice with spouse. Through whole marriage thought something had been missing...spark, something....felt like marriage is good on paper, but some feeling seemed to be lacking. Anyway, things seemed good, had son. 2 years later, met a guy online. Met him just for fun... turned into flirting...then, dating...then, feelings for him...then, sex. Felt as I had never felt before. Told husband to move out. He was out for 3 years in all until a week ago. On and off with this "other guy" for a couple years, felt as if we were soulmates (ten year age difference, him younger). He wanted a commitment, I woudln't leave husband. So, we stopped it, yet continuted talking. A year ago, I met another guy. Wanted to get thoughts of first guy away, and wanted my emotional and physical needs met. Ended up falling in love although he was "trouble"... still stayed married to spouse. During these 3 years spouse came to our home every day to spend time with son until he went to bed. Son never knew he lived somewhere else. Spouse never thought I'd be the type to "cheat" on him, yet did nothing for 3 years to win me back. Anyway, I confessed to him, and he is now living back in the home and we are going to do what it takes to keep together.
Here is where I need some support: Does anyone feel like maybe they never loved the guy they are with the way they should have? Even though I know this last guy I was with was not a good "long term" guy I still fell for him and think about him all day. How long does it take to get rid of that? I want to call or talk to him all day long.
I'll stop at that. I'm sure you will ask questions if it doesn't make sense.
I sure hope someone has something to say....I'm really confused and full of pain... I want to stay and not break the family, but I am worried that I don't love him like I should. And, I can't stop thinking about the other guys and how much better I felt.
I understand the spark thing. I do. But it's not the most important thing in life. It's better in the long run to find love and sex at home with your own husband. I know that sounds like old fashioned advice, like eat your vegetables. But it is true. Love with a husband waxes and wanes, and sometimes it's difficult to identify the feeling because it doesn't sweep you up and carry you away like the other. But in your case there must be something there, or you would have married the younger guy. I don't believe the soulmates idea anymore. I think that is fantasy made up by people in love. Nobody stays in love like that. That is a form of temporary insanity. You couldn't live your whole live like that. Not without changing love objects all the time like you are doing. Think about it. Would you do that with your child? Would you love him for the first 2 years of his life and then fall in love with a different child and reject him? Perhaps you can only love infants, but not older children. (Let me tell you, teens are hard to love.) But no, you wouldn't do that. But that is what you are doing to your husband. You are in love with being in love. So Rapunzel, pull your hair up and quit looking for a new white knight to rescue you from your life. Live your life. Accept that it is work, and it's not always fun. And find the good in what you've got. You are missing out on the good things under your nose while you are looking for happiness somewhere else.
Thank you so much, Sara, for answering me. I kept hitting the refresh button over and over waiting for SOMEONE to tell me what an idiot I am. I know I love my husband, otherwise you are right, I would have divorced him and went away with someone else by now. It has been a total of three hellish and selfish years, wasted as I betrayed him. From my last post, you probably don't hear the guilt but oh, believe me, it is there. My priest says it is good to always have a little guilt, that it is because we believe in God that we have guilt at all. I want to make this work and I need to stop myself from going into "la la land" fantasizing about the attention I got from these guys and start focusing on how to make my marriage satisfying for both he and I. If he is not meeting my needs, then I am going to keep working on how he can and vice versa. We have talked about Retrovaille and plan on going in July. I'm going to need to keep coming back for support because I feel the pull to text the other guy, email the other guy, message the other guy, call the other guy all the time! I'm staying strong but it is very hard and I get so sad. How long will it take for me to get over this....I want to get over it....
I think a lot of us fall into the trap that if we're not 'feeling' something, then it's wrong. But the truth is, feelings come and go, they can change at the drop of a hat. The secret to true, deep happiness and contentment is found in the realization that love is a verb, not a noun. It requires action, even when we don't feel like it. And often, when we put forth the effort to act, the feelings will follow. It's a leap of faith.
Good luck to you hon. I think you're not alone in the path you've walked. But it's up to you to change that path. And it does require doing hard things, rather than convenient things.
I hesitated to post to you because I misunderstood your name. I thought you meant what did I do? meaning, I don't think I did anything. But now I see you meant, what did I do?, I destroyed what I had.
Retrouvaille is wonderful. That's how my husband and I healed our marriage. They don't fix it for you. They teach you how to fix it yourself. It is a roadmap to success. But if you put the roadmap away and don't use it, you can easily get lost again. It takes practice and determination to build a marriage. But it is worth the effort.
Go as soon as you can. You will never regret the day you walked into your Retrouvaille weekend.
Oh geez...never thought of my name like that...that's not good. Yes, my name is a big what the heck did I dooooooo! I hope we have the same healing as you did with Retrovaille. I wish we didn't have to wait until July. Thanks again, Sara. I really needed some words tonight.
it sounds like you really want to stop and heal your M. this is good. i know its hard to do but think back to why you married H. more often you M him because you loved him and found everything exciting. what you are doing with the OM's is what you are missing between you and your H. if it is excitment, love, sex, being on the same page, etc is missing then you have to realize that you both moved away from where you were at.
take it from a man who found out his W has been had an A. it really does eat a man up inside. it hurts there is alot of pain, regret, alot of tears. i am dealing with this pain, as well as my W. sje fells horrible about A. hates to see me in pain. sound like your feelings are the same as my W's. again takr it from me stay away from the OM's and work on your M if that is what you want. be patiant with your H. you might have to grow a thick skin and not argue this only adds to trouble.
Wow, Sara hit the nail on the head for so many people out there and it's like an addiction, really, b/c of the endorphins and the rush it gives us. Everywhere we look we are told that this is what love looks like, the "falling-in-love" stage. I guess that's b/c real love, the "I-love-you-even-though-you-snore-and-leave-your-wet-towel-on-the-bed" stage, which is pretty much everything after falling in love, doesn't play well in the movies. But that is the love that is like coming home, like the old sweater that fits perfectly, the recipe that you've made hundreds of times but still always comes out perfect every time. That is the love that lasts.
You have been given the ultimate gift - a second (or fourth) chance. You get to try and make this work while your H is still willing to take you back. You have nothing to lose here, but you've got to do it with your whole heart. It's going to be hard, but you must know somewhere deep inside of you that if you can do it, it will be amazing. Believe you can and you're more than halfway there.
Good luck. FA
Last edited by fooled again; 04/20/0805:06 AM.
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
you are absolutely right about what plays well in the movies affecting some peoples' perceptions. I am still working on posting my sitch--it is still painful and hard to face. I have to say, though, that I think you are spot on in your assessment. I jyust wish my old, comfortable sweater would come back home. I could use a good cuddle!
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
