Well it looks like my old thread got locked so here we go on thread 2.
Thanks GL for your input on your last statement. Yes I do want to be a happy person and I will not change the way things are going right now.
Had a good day at the ballfield today, W was in a very good mood and we talked quite a bit about the game. It was very pleasant.
W just came by the house as she had to drop S10 off at one of his friends house to go to a ballgame tonight, minor league game. She came by to bring me some shorts as it was 85 degrees here today and I didn't have any of my shorts here so she brought them to me since she was in the neighborhood. I was cleaning house and she made comment about how did it feel to be having to clean house. She was jokingly laughing at me with S7. I was never one to clean when we were together, I concentrated on the outside and took care of that, she did the inside and this was one of her things she didn't like. She did ask what made me decide to buy a vaccuum cleaner. I told her I didn't want to have to keep bothering her with getting ours from her house. She didn't say anything else about it.
All in all, a very good day, I was very vocal with other parents at the field. W and S7 missed the first game as S7 had practice, they made it at the start of the second game. She did come and sit beside me which I guess she normally would anyway.
Thanks to all of you who helped to lock my old thread, your input is great and is really helping me through this tough time. I can already tell that I am dealing with these things in a much better light than I was a month ago when I first found this board. I really feel in the last week that things are starting to go better for me. Newbie here needing some advice
ping, You're doing a great job. Seems like yesterday went well. Keep doing what you've been doing lately. Remember, there will probably be some setbacks or days when you are feeling down but that's a very normal part of this whole process. Keep up the great DBing - it's working.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
ping, You're doing a great job. Seems like yesterday went well. Keep doing what you've been doing lately. Remember, there will probably be some setbacks or days when you are feeling down but that's a very normal part of this whole process. Keep up the great DBing - it's working.
Thanks Addie, I do feel much better and don't feel the need to persue and R talks at this time. I know that everytime I have done this it just makes things that much worse. But we did have a good day yesterday and also today.
Doing some journaling. S10 had baseball game this morning. W again was in a good mood and we got along great. Felt like old times. She would even grab my arm when S10 went up to bat as she was nervous, she use to do this quite a bit. Their team got beat in the first game so the day was short lived with the family but it was a pretty good day.
On a side note, when we left the field, S10 called me from W's cell to ask if I wanted to go and ride gokarts later on today. He told me that he, S7 and W wanted to go. I said sure, give me a call later on when you decide to go. Well that was around 11:00 this morning, I never recieved a call from them. They just came by my house about 30 minutes ago and S still had ball uniform on, I asked him what they were up to and he said they just left Adventure Landing. I asked, I thought you were going to call me when you went. He said mom didn't want us to. Well about this time, W walks in the house and overhears him say this. She corrected him and said, "no, I told ya'll after we went to the store that we needed to go home and see if your father wanted to come with us but you two were so anxious to go that you didn't want to wait now isn't that right?" S said yes. So he was trying to make me think it was W's fault. Either way it made me feel good that I was at least thought of by W to go with them even though both sons were too anxious to wait. "Adventure Landing is only about a mile from the store they went to."
Now the reason I see this as being a good sign is because when I first moved to the place I am in now, our family went out to eat 2-3 times that week. I made a comment to W that we needed to carry the kids to ride gokarts at one of these parks. She seemed agreeing at the time, but of course I had to make a mistake later in that week and sent her an email of how this last week with us spending time together made it feel like we were a family again. Guess what, she decided it was not a good thing for the 4 of us to go to the park after this. So yes, I was really surprised that I did get that call today asking to go.
I will keep doing what I am doing. I have really done well this past week. I don't find myself thinking about our sitch every waking hour of the day which is a huge relief for me. I feel things are going in the right direction, I know there will be highs and lows as there were last week but I didn't dwell on them everytime they happened with her.
S7 has ballgame tomorrow night, so hopefully that will go over well also.
Ping, sounds like things are going well. I think you are par for this course or even under!!! Your W coming and sitting by you is good. She could have sat at the other end of the bleachers and not even acknowledged you were there(which is what my H would have done!!haha) When I talked with my coach this week, she really emphasized the four phases we need to go thru and not to try to mix the phases. I'm not sure if you have read about them on the boards or not, as they are flying around here. I'm going to list them, just incase you're not familiar with them: 1. defuse negative emotions, work on this by giving eachother space and time, 2. friendship, how things were when you first started to date, no intimacy, lots of talking, hows your day, this will TRULY help to regain trust, 3. romance and dating, self explanitory and this is where MC would start 4. reconciliation. She told me I probably really set myself back months by trying to rush thru the steps in the beginning.
I think you are doing an awesome job...keep it up!! take care Christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
It's good to see you making changes; but do remember what was done in the past 22 years cannot be undone in 22 weeks. Overall you seem to be moving forward.
Quote:
Sienna, people can change when they want to, I didn't think I needed to change either until W and I seperated. Has your H made any attempt after the S to change at all? Have you seen any change in him? Would you be willing to work on saving your M if he were to change?
Not everyone is equal but anyone can change if they first recognize they want to change and then do what it takes to make it happen. -ping1
[From another post] This is my H's second epiphany (by epiphany, I mean when he realized that what he was doing was harmful and wanted to stop). The first being all the way before Christmas, and that did not produce any changes. I have been going to counseling (both individual and marriage) for nearly a year now. ALONE. No wait, he went once after he used physical force on me. Even then he said the MC was a crock. He said I "made him" use physical force on me. Classic abuser move.
I've gone through about 15 MC, abuse, self helf, etc book. Implementing the techinques, trying to make some sense of this man's irrational behavior. Looking to myself, to see what I may have done, that's always the first step - to look at yourself first.
The general theme from him was that it was all my fault, I was crazy/no fun/drove our friends away, flat out told me he didn't love me enough to even care, disrespected me in so many ways (denying me going to school, e.g.), he was mean to animals; I couldn't dog sit anyone's dog without the fear of him harming them. Then I just had enough. I couldn't stop the abuse (tried what the books said), and I had to get out for my own sanity. That's when he has his second epiphany. Admitted to everything, I wasn't to blame, he took all responsibility. I think only becasue he was fearing having to support himself (I supported him for years) and finally grow up.
Sadly it is far to late for me. Why did he push me away for a year, when all I was doing was trying? And he knew he was doing it (according to his latest revelations). I guess he has some inner demons he needs to sort out. It was as if I had no right to want to improve things, and that I was supposed to never make a peep. The slightest talk of wanting to work on a more loving partnership sent up his walls 5 miles high. I've come to the conclusion that he jsut isn't emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship. Three therapists guesstimated him to be "14 years" from the stories I've told. He's 33.
We have only been S a week. I am relieved. I am sad that this marriage is over, but happy that I have my life back. He's already declared that's he's changed (yet again) along with more promises. I know better. What has he been doing? Begging, crying, groveling, refuses to rent a place - instead he's living out of the SUV in the mountains. Can't even get a shower anywhere, calls me up and I say no contact for one month - remember?
I told him about DB and the website, because he needs some company. I would like him to eventually rid himself of those demons, but for himself. Not for us, because there is no us.
Lordy that was way longer than I had intended, and out of place, but I have anger coming out. It was suppressed. Maybe it does or doesn't sound like your sitch.
I'm not sure if you have read about them on the boards or not, as they are flying around here. I'm going to list them, just incase you're not familiar with them: 1. defuse negative emotions, work on this by giving eachother space and time, 2. friendship, how things were when you first started to date, no intimacy, lots of talking, hows your day, this will TRULY help to regain trust, 3. romance and dating, self explanitory and this is where MC would start 4. reconciliation. She told me I probably really set myself back months by trying to rush thru the steps in the beginning.
I think you are doing an awesome job...keep it up!! take care Christa
Thanks Christa, yes I read your post on the 4 phases on your sitch. Sounds like you got some good advice from coach. Thanks for dropping in on me. I feel that W and I are somewhere between 1 and 2. The last few days have been very good, laid back and interaction, no pressure on either side which I feel is why she is much more laid back because I am not pushing her at all.
I will keep this going and see where it goes, if anything else, it is making me feel better.
or even under!!! Your W coming and sitting by you is good. She could have sat at the other end of the bleachers and not even acknowledged you were there(which is what my H would have done!!haha) When I talked with my coach this week, she really emphasized the four phases we need to go thru and not to try to mix the phases. I'm not sure if you have read about them on the boards or not, as they are flying around here. I'm going to list them, just incase you're not familiar with them: 1. defuse negative emotions, work on this by giving eachother space and time, 2. friendship, how things were when you first started to date, no intimacy, lots of talking, hows your day, this will TRULY help to regain trust, 3. romance and dating, self explanitory and this is where MC would start 4. reconciliation. She told me I probably really set myself back months by trying to rush thru the steps in the beginning.