Passion Gone

[Jen_Jam]

OK, my new thread. It's time to admit to myself that yes I saved my M, yes I came through H's mini MLC (no OW, by the way) and yes our marrige is a good one. We are good friends, we want and plan for our future together, life is rosy.

But one thing clouds this. I am not happy to ML 3 or 4 times a year, and mostly initiated by me. I do NOT want a D, I do NOT want to have an A. I want a marriage to my H where we laugh and ML at least twice a month. How much more specific can I be?

I have sat down today and written H a letter. I needed to write this to get my thoughts clear. Background: Last night we went out to dinner. We had a great night. In conversation our bad times came up, along the lines of "I feel much better about myself since the bad times". H rolled his eyes. I told him that of course he is forgiven but i will not forget the bad times as they had such a positive effect on my life. The conversation ended up back at home with me saying that I do love him but there is no spark and I don't know how to get it back. I think I scared H as he asked if I was coming to bed or was going to sleep on the sofa.

We are due a talk tonight. H loved to avoid all R talks, and during our bad times I realised this was neccessary. But now it's "my turn". Not in a revenge way, in a clear the air way.

Below is a condensed version of the letter I've written. I have no idea where to go from here so will welcome any input if you can bear with me.

"Dear H

The Past
It hurt. My biggest fear in life was rejection and it happened. But it made me face up to my fears and now I feel great. I'm sorry for the hurt I caused you prior to our bad times.

I really enjoyed Summer 2006. I knew I could make myself happy and did so. You seemd to sit about cluless about what to do and I felt sorry for you as you were struggling.

Then you recomitted. It was good to see you back to your old self - happy, tolerant, kind. Your attitude was "hurrah the bad times have gone" and there is NOTHING wrong with that. But you didn't want to talk about the bad times to me, to explain. During our bad times i was fine with taking a back seat but when they were over I felt pushed aside again.

So what does "my turn" mean? You've said before you want the past to be burried and forgotton, but I won't forget it because it gave me so many positives. I'm glad it happened. You are of course forgiven, I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone but you were so confused yourself it was difficult not to. It's FINE. You needed to go through that rough patch.

But i've burried my feelings for too long in order to accommodate yours. i've tried to explain how I feel and I have made a bad job of it. I want to be clear now, to state my boundaries and stand up for myself. I have been trying to treat you with kid gloves as you can get defensive and refuse to listen.

Your lack of sexual desire is a problem. You know this yet you do nothing about it. You are a great friend, good company, very loving towards me and more of a man these days. But i still feel like we are flatmates. I have asked several times for more intimacy, roamnce and ML from you. Yet still we're stuck.

At one point I would have welcomed advances from you. i will warn you now that you have an uphill struggle because I am turned off to you. I still find you attractive but there is no spark. I'll be happy to work towards one but can't do it alone. To see you treat this problem as serious and put in the effort I see the LBS's do on the DB site would be fantastic. I will be glad to help you as well. if there are things you would like ME to do differently then if you let me know I will be happy to consider them. But I can't read your mind.

So my turn means you do something about this. I have no fight in me anymore. I would like YOU to pick up the baton of making this M as great as it could be. I'm not looking for overnight miracles. I'm looking for tiny consistent changes that will stick. What I seem to get now is a token big effort for a few weeks then nothing.

I'm hope I'm clear on this. I do love you, I've just lost that passionate spark."

There is more in the letter, but it's a bit repetative - the main gist being I am not happy for him to bury his head in the sand and pretend our rough patch never happened. That I made a LOT of effort with myself and i would like to see him make some too instead of the burden of making this M great being on my shoulders all the time.

Yes I say burden. it is. I'm tired. I don't want to read any books about M saving anymore. I want a time out from M saving/improving. And I plan to take it. I am going to let H make the effort here. While he works it all out (and I know from experience it takes a looooooooooong time, I was an LBS who took ages to get it right) I am going to put my energies into ME. I am going to 2 parties today to see friends. Tomorrow H and I are going furniture shopping and I am going to make sure I enjoy myself. Next week - back to the gym, I have let my exercise classes slip of late. next weekend I am in Brighton for another party (without H, he works Saturdays) and the weekend after that at a hen party in Brighton again. I am going to enjoy myself with my friends, kick back, chillax and enjoy being the wonderful person I am.



Sorry for the long post - OK, any input on what to expect?

[sgctxok]

Did you already send it...or do you want edits?

[Jen_Jam]

Oh, not sent yet - any advice would be much appreciated, I learned a long time ago I'm not perfect

[DanceQueen]

Hi Jen,

I am going to comment on the letter only.

I think its way too long. You should be so much more direct. The reason for this is that men tend to tune out by the end of a long emotional letter. I think he will miss the point of the letter.

I know you have so many things you need to say to him, but you should collect yourself a list of the things you need to say to him and do it in person, over time, in counseling or in several direct honest discussions.

In this letter, I think you should simply state your need and your boundary, and tell him that you feel it is on his shoulders to figure out for himself why the intimacy is missing and fix it. Wording it something like "I have this problem and I need your help in fixing it" (longer of course, and more meaningful, but as bare bones and direct as possible).

All the other things that you really do need and deserve to say to him are going to cloud the issue for him and he will not understand that you are trying to have him fix the one thing, instead he will think you are going off in several directions about several past and current issues.

DanceQueen

[Sara]

Jen,

I'm afraid I don't like the overall tone of the letter. It is demanding. We simply can't get the flag to fly by demanding it. I suspect that you have tried friendlier approaches before and been unsuccessful and now you are just going straight for what you want, but I fear it will turn him off. Better to just say how much you miss the warm tenderness of your earlier relationship and describe it in detail, pornographic detail would be very good here. Ask if he will help you work to set time aside for just the two of you to enjoy each other. Plan an evening together, discuss what you would both like. I let my husband look at sexy lingerie catalogs such as Playboy and Victoria's Secret, and ask him what he thinks is the sexiest outfit. Then I order that one. You must be like the snake charmer charming the snake. You've done it before; you can do it again. If not, then perhaps he has a medical problem and needs to talk to his doctor.

[Jen_Jam]

Thank you for the responses. I didn't give him the letter but writing it helped me vent!

Instead I talked about how we were when we first got together, wasn't it nice, and that I would love to have that again. H agreed we should work together on that and so did I. He prefers morning to ML, but it takes him a long time to wake up. I am usually out of bed pretty quickly, so I have actually been missing some signals.

DQ - you are right, way to much information in the letter, so I picked one thing - ML.

Sara - you too are right, aznd I had tried the friendler approach before and I also had tried the lingerie catalogues (I now have a drawer full of lovely lingerie which is gathering dust But I also0 know one attracts more bees with honey than vinegar.

By me putting this all on my H is wrong, same as it is for him to ignore me. It really is something we need to work on together. During our chat though, I did say I was looking for little changes that could be sustained, rather than any grand gestures. Then we ML'd

So ... back to my old friend patience, and remembering that resentment and anger get me a big fat nothing. Thank you for the reminder

[Sara]

Sounds like you handled it perfectly. My husband and I have the morning and night problem too. But we are the opposite of you -- I am the night person. Still, I now always welcome his advances in the morning. I can catch up on sleep later.

[RedHeadWife]

Hey, girl. Don't know if you remember me or not. I'm not over here much. EDITED--ADVERTISING NOT ALLOWED.

[RedHeadWife]

I saw yesterday you were already there anyway! Why don't you post your letter over there?

[Jeff223]

Hey Jenny -

Thanks for posting this. I bet it was good to write.

We have been here together for almost two years now so you know I will be open.

Glad you did not send the letter. I felt in a way it was "controlling" (yes, that bad word again) but what really concerned me was that it had pursuit written all over it. Plus the "poor me, I forgive you, my turn now" flavor.

Since I am officially single again I am reading up on dating and attraction. Yes, I have to read up - it has been a long time. The one thing I have read which I believe is that attraction is not a choice. It is either there or it is not. If it is there, it can either be grown or it can go away, depending on the actions of both parties.

And by attraction I mean the "spark". Let us look at this:

At one point I would have welcomed advances from you. i will warn you now that you have an uphill struggle because I am turned off to you. I still find you attractive but there is no spark.

That is a concern b/c once the spark is gone, it is very difficult to get it back. I don't say that to be negative, I say it b/c all you can do now is give H the opportunity to create that spark. Tell H how you feel and leave the rest to him. Make no demands or conditions.

But you must also try to create a spark. I know you are tired but try you must. No, not with sexy underware. Not by suggesting to H what he should do. You cannot control him.

And pursuit and poor-me is not attractive as you know.

How to create attraction? My studies on dating tell me that attraction comes from within. Call it your "deep inner game". Feel good about you and life in general and you will be attractive to others. Sure, I can learn some "pick-up lines" and dress better, but my inner game controls my outer game.

You know the drill. The GAL drill. Do things to boost that self-esteem and confidence. Focus on you again. I think you have lost that a little of late. I like your last lines on this post - the exercising, going out, etc.

Good.

And do wear the sexy underthings. But wear them for the right reasons. Do you wear them to try to turn H on or do you wear them b/c they feel good, that they make YOU feel sexy about yourself?

Better H sees you going out in them rather than you wearing them just for him with an expectation.

Make him wonder. Why is she wearing sexy clothes, why is she going out more, why is she hitting the gym so often?

THAT is how you create attraction. Be coy, hard to get. No expectations. Do for you, not him.

You are doing great. This is so hard but I know you are up to it. If H is not, well everything you do for YOU will pay great dividends.

I have come to realize that marriage can quickly lead to co-dependence. It happens and we don't even see it coming. The best relationships are when both partners don't need.

Chin up. On with the race. DB never ends, it must never end.

You will do well - count on it. We believe in you.

huggs.