Piecing...Ostriching...Salvaging.. I don't know...

[SDFoundGirl]

Chris,

I have so much to say but not much time to say it. Congrats on how far you've come...and yes yes yes yes yes your current experience is "normal" and frustrating...and piecing (I think) is somewhat more challenging than when things are all bad because we suddenly return to having expectations.

You have to stay detached from the outcome...patience is just huge...everything you learned in early DBing applies and then some.

It took 1 1/2 years of piecing for me to get to a place where I was ready/able to forgive my H for his EA, and he was able to hear what I needed to say. It will happen in time....are you guys in MC? I'd say that's a good place to start...and then just let her do the talking for the first 3-4 months. Let her put everything out on the table, let your C help you guys navigate the misconceptions and rebuilding. Then and only then when she's feeling better about everything will she be able to hear what you have to say.

Is it fair? No. But you are the one with the capacity to do it. You are the one with the knowledge and understanding and staying power at this point. It is a sacrifice...but you will get your turn. I promise.

I remember you as a newbie...and I have to say, you have come SO far. You started out so haughty and angry and self-righteous...and I hear a man now who has matured past ego. I wish you all the best....

SD

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi SDFoundGirl!

It is so good to hear from you. Yes, I was a real pain-in-the-butt newbie and I think your posts and especially JenJam's list were really life savers for me. I cannot thank you enough for that. As you can see, I shared the knowledge (with proper citation!) with gabbysmom23 a few days ago. She is going through a real tough time.

I think that I just had this unrealistic expecation of a big happy ending to all the bad stuff. DB teaches about expectations not being your friend. I should have realized that piecing is a begining and not and ending. I think I have my mind around that now, so I am just being patient and letting W know I love her and the kids and want us all to be happy. W is onboard with our R and has really been great for the last couple of months. I have no expectation that this will continue and there is proably a relapse scheduled for down the road so I am waring my flak jacket.

W is dead-set against MC. Her belief (and I try not to argue the point) is that people should work out their own problems. I guess some day she might want to try it, but for now, the ostrich strategy is her coping mechanism. However, I will mention going to MC (only one time) so that she knows what I want and she knows it is an option.

I am still just a bit angry (but manageable), but I am certainly a Hottie!

Again, thanks for your post and especially the early-on ones. You have no idea how much they helped. God bless you, sweeetheart.

Best,
---Chrs

[saffie]

Try the CBT Chris, please. It really will help you.

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi All,

I did mention the therapy one time and W is still not ready. She came up with many reasons to not go and I think it upset her a bit that I even brought it up. She seems to think things are just dandy now and it is all in the past.

I still have lingering doubts. Who is to say she will not "spiral" (her words) again? I guess when you get burned once, you tend to be cautious.

Anyway, all in all, we are in a much better place than about a year ago. We have overcome many obstacles and I certainly don't want to jinx progress!

Best,
--Chris

[blindsided1]

Yea Chris,
I have missed you. I often wondered where you went and would see you post over in Newcomers. I'm glad you are in piecing. I agree with Saffie on the CBT. Many years ago I was having issues in a relationship and could not get a grip on my emotions and my downward thinking (sounds like I'm there again). I had a wonderful C and she truly helped me. Unfortunately, I am unable to locate her. Believe me I looked. If I find her, I'll post info for you.
I read your posts on Gabbysmom's thread. I have always questioned if I really want H back. I'm still leaning towards YES, but it's more like 70/30 now instead of 100%.

Hang in there. I can't wait to see you in the Divorce Busted section.

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi Blindsided,

Thanks for stopping by! Yes, it is good to be in piecing. I think I have learned that this step is almost as hard as DBing. The good news is that W and family are happier and so am I. The outlook is good.

Best,
--Chris

[SuperDad]

Hi Chris,
I lost track of you when you moved to piecing. Seems like you are keeping your PMA with you most of the time. This is the key to everything in life, isn't it?

Anyway, I just wanted to say that you might want to try [url=www.retrouvaille.org/ ]Retrouvaille[/url] with your W. It is a spiritually based (Catholic) program, but they are focussed on repairing marriages, not on converting people. I think if your W looked at their web-site (at the right time, not when you want her to!!), she might consider it. From what I have heard, it can be an incredible breakthrough in a marriage.

Good Luck, SD

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi SD, All,

Yeah, the PMA and the patience are my best friends. You are right, the key to life is trying to be happy and look on the bright side of things. Thanks for checking in with me!

I would like to do retrovaille or something (MC, whatever) but W is not into such things. My biggest fear is that lack of problem solving with lead to more. However, I don't want to be pushy and I know that I am a fixer type. So, I will just let her set the pace and I will continue to monitor the sitch and guide it as best as I can.

Best,
--Chris

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi All,

Just a quick note to let you all know that piecing continues. We have our ups and downs but it was about 1 year ago that things went south. We are in a much better place now. Thanks to everyone on this board for their support.

Best,
--Chris