Cagz is really moving ahead Wierd...

[cagzmom]

My thread locked..and I even got an explanation!

So lets see Miss Betsy you asked me if my feelings about my FIL and MIL was because they had "accepted" bimbo b. Well YES. AND I have thought many many times about what I would do if I were in my MIL shoes. I do remember a few times through this..we were discussing her situation when FIL walked out....I said I can't believe how much H is like FIL...she said I never realized how much. I am sure it has been a very sad awakening for her. Their entire family were always "secret" keepers..and after H tried to committ suicide last summer she said "No more secrets...."

I guess it is also not knowing where to draw the line. I mean if I ever go back to Iowa I have been invited to stay there....but what do I do then look at "happy" pictures of H and Bimbo? It just is so wrong - all of it. I guess that is where the questions come...how "far" do I have to let go.

IMP -thank you for telling me your thoughts. I guess every now and then to get a "atta boy" from someone who really seems to tell it like it is..well it is just nice. So thanks.

I am trying hard to move forward. IT is WIERD!! VERY WIERD. I am really looking at MY LIFE and what I need to do to prepare for MY FUTURE etc. It is so strange to not have it linked to H in anyway. Things like savings plans, buying a home, the lack of retirement that i have and how I need to build it and NOT depend on H. Those things have been strange.

Hope that i can be an encouragement to someone some day. I am kinda sick of not being the helper anymore.

[Underdog]

Hiya Cagz,

LOL, do we have to jump all the way to you visiting them in Iowa and perusing their new photo albums? Even I think that's a big aggressive! How about a more genteel plan of just waking up and offering up a prayer for your in-laws, taking a deep breath and exhaling deeply and just offering up some general forgiveness?

I'm pretty sure if you wind up traveling to Iowa, you're going to have all the facts and your expectations will be far different than you could imagine now.

I can definitely relate to marrying into a family of secret keepers. Oy, Mr. Wonderful's family is very much like that as well. Then when a truth needs to come out, it's a twisted theme with a very different facade. (Did I ever tell you that my late MIL told everyone that I kicked Mr. W. out because I didn't approve of his DUI? Yup, that was her story and she stuck to it. Imagine everyone's dismay to hear that he moved out all by his big boy self?)

Exhale. I know you're not like that and you don't have to play in that ball game by that set of rules. I'm just thinking that when you feel agitated by thinking of this, you just consciously make a choice to feel empathy for them. That's all. No big grandiose plan or a book to read to convince you that you need to change. Just a simple commitment to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I am really looking at MY LIFE and what I need to do to prepare for MY FUTURE etc. It is so strange to not have it linked to H in anyway. Things like savings plans, buying a home, the lack of retirement that i have and how I need to build it and NOT depend on H. Those things have been strange.

Oh, baby, I should tell you that even though it gets a little easier, it's still hard! I'll tell you that today I'm having one of those days where I really miss having a husband and someone else to help me make a big decision... I'm overwhelmed by this fence thing and feeling like I'm never going to get ahead. On my drive to work today, I actually caught myself in one of those horrid, mindless thought traps that goes something like this, "Oh, K, if you had not left me, you'd be making this decision for me. I hate taking care of myself and this big house all by myself. Blah, blah, blah." I'm pretty sure you could fill in more blanks for me!

That lasted about a minute and a half, Cagz. Hell, I'm still feeling sorry for myself (I figure I owe myself a pity party every once in awhile) but I quickly got rid of that thought about Mr. Wonderful taking care of me. It's ridiculous, sappy and absolutely nauseating. What I really need to do is win the lottery or have someone leave me a lot of money. That way, Mr. Wonderful wouldn't pop into my head when I'm feeling a big cash crunch. Isn't that beyond pathetic? I hate that part of me when it happens. It's revolting and makes me absolutely sick.

The big girl me knows that it's my time to take care of things. Perhaps the ultimate lesson is for me to finally GET that I can and do take care of myself and my girls. I may not like these damn surprises or setbacks, but the simple truth is that I have done a pretty good job of things in the 5 years since he left. Why the hell can't I just tell myself that this, too, shall pass? Why do I drag him into my thought process when things get hairy? (Find me that pukey icon and I'll insert it here...)

You're not weird, Cagz. Not by a long stretch. So how about you give yourself credit for shining in a job that has been demanding and horrifying at the same time? The truth is you're doing a great job too. You'll continue to do a great job. Failure is not an option, and your picture is next to that quote in the book at NASA.

Big hugs, friend.

Betsey

p.s. I sincerely doubt that your MIL is ever gonna break out the photo album of H and Bimbo either. I don't think you're going to have to worry about that for awhile. Take it easy!

[cagzmom]

Betsy you make me smile. Thank you for sharing that you too get hte "what if" freakin' syndrome. Oh my does it hit hard some days. I must say they are shorter versions..but still exhausting. Your honesty is refreshing.

How have you done it all these years? Amazing. You know you haven't really told me your story....soooooo???

Oh oh oh ..gotta share. So my H-- he is a GM of a car dealership (yes this came post bomb --it was too much for his itty bitty freaking HUGE IGO!) ANYWAY...so he had done a radio commercial last year--- and he decided to do it again....This years add?? Well first let me tell you that a couple of my friends called me to "Warn" me. I had already heard it but they were "Sickened" by it all.

REady? It is a 70's kinda theme (he is at a Volkswagen dealership) the commercial has dorky 70s tunes...and at the very end he says "hey if it feels good do it...." Ok ok ok so now he isn't only living out his montra but he is sharing it across the radio!!! (yes this is what sickened my friends..)


Ok thanks for letting me share.

[Jeanette1120]

REady? It is a 70's kinda theme (he is at a Volkswagen dealership) the commercial has dorky 70s tunes...and at the very end he says "hey if it feels good do it...." Ok ok ok so now he isn't only living out his montra but he is sharing it across the radio!!! (yes this is what sickened my friends..)

cagz,

Your too cute!! LOL

He's not wearing polyester Jumpsuits is he?

I think AmyC sent me an email long ago from a 1970 JCPenney Catalogue. I laughed so hard I had tears streamin down my face!!

Ewww...maybe I'll find it and forward it to you. I'm sure it will make you FEEL OH SO BETTER!!

Your doing awesome these days cagz....so much different that when you first came aboard.

Hugs,

Jeanette

[cat03]

I am trying hard to move forward. IT is WIERD!! VERY WIERD. I am really looking at MY LIFE and what I need to do to prepare for MY FUTURE etc. It is so strange to not have it linked to H in anyway.

Hope that i can be an encouragement to someone some day. I am kinda sick of not being the helper anymore.

You are being an encouragement righ now, you are looking forward, so many are still in the horrible first stages of denial and shock and it's good to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, that the pain wont' always be so vivid all the time.

I have been a helper and also wanting for help, I'm coming out from one of those "rock bottom" weeks, when I was stuck back in denial, I feel strong again, thanks only to God. It's give and take here, that's why I love this place

[Underdog]

Cagz,

It's my turn to say thanks for making ME smile! I really needed that today... I'm picturing that commercial and yep, it is so idiotic that it made me laugh. You have really good friends, Cagz. Heck, you know what's even more pathetic? I actually remember that slogan well. So has your H turned into some retro hippie driving a Kombi-van or something?

How have I done it all these years? Well, the secret is in the time. Time heals all, or so they say. ("THEY" just don't tell you that you still pick at the scabs from time to time.) It really helps. Every day, I do what everyone else does--I wake up and tell myself it's up to me to make it a good day. It doesn't mean that we don't have bad days. I'm telling you that I'm living a BAD week. I'm sick of it and I want all the problems to disappear so I can move on with my life. Unfortunately, just when I think I'm out of the woods, something else happens that totally sets me back.

You could probably search my name and hit some stories. But I think you could best spend your time focusing on your own stuff. We're not that different! I'm pretty sure the site is santized for e-mail addresses, but you can always write me at volleyballmom at q dot com - I don't know if you'll get this but what the heck.

For the record, I'm still mad today. I'm not mad at my XH, though. He's been great. He's still got my dog because my fence is still toppled. The insurance adjuster gave me the grim news (nada since I'm sharing half that fence with a complete dumbass of a neighbor with a meth head high school age daughter who is as snotty and belligerent as they come) that my half of a $1000 deductible is half of nothing, since they depreciated my 26 year old completely workable fence by 85%. It sucks! I'm mad and I don't have anywhere to keep my dog and I have no idea what I'm going to do with her next week when we head to MN.

I'm glad you laughed at my little tirade on "why I need a husband today". It was meant to make you laugh, so I'm glad I hit the mark. I still have my beyond-pathetic moments, so don't let the 5 year mark thing misguide you in any way, shape or form. The pathetic side of me does come out every once in awhile. I just try to get a handle on that aspect of my personality before it gets a chance to build any momentum.

All in all, my only advice is to get up every morning and thank God that yesterday is behind you and you get a new set of circumstances to deal with going forward. Like I said before, things really and truly can't get much lower than they already are, Cagz. The only thing that can is out of your control! Isn't that great news?

BTW, Jeanette, I saw that Penney catalog some time ago and laughed my a$$ off. It's so wrong that it's hilarious. Maybe I'll go put on my toe socks, platform shoes, elephant ear bell bottoms and head out to the Kombi Van for a drive now?

Okay, ladies, time to get to work. I need to pack up our kitchen here for our move a week from Monday. Yeah, the day I return from MN. Nice timing, huh?

If it feels good, do it!!!

Betsey

[cagzmom]

ok so its late- and yes probably too many beers with a good ole
friend...but it has pushed me to wonder--

When will I not care anymore?
When will his life and what he is or isn't doing not matter?
When will what I am with or without him not matter anymore??????????????

[seekpeaceofmind]

I don't think I've posted to you before, but I have watched your thread(s) from time to time. One of the things I like about this site is that there is always someone on here who expresses my exact thoughts. There is something reassuring about that, even when the thoughts themselves are not welcome. These questions - when will it be over for me? - have been plaguing me this w/e. There's a full moon tonight. Maybe our emotions push and pull in tides like the oceans.

Hope you are feeling better again today. It takes a lot of energy and strength to step forward into a future that is so different than the one you had in mind. It's like the saying about old age - it's not for sissies. It seems like you are doing great - especially because you can focus on wanting to help others.

[cat03]

nutty chick mentioned a journal, write down ALL that has happened, the cycles, the lies, whatever had gone through your life and take in account the big picture. And ask yourself "what do I want in a man" and look at H and see if that is what you want, if what he is now is what you'd want in your life.

The only way I've gotten out of that painful state of mind of "where, when and with whom" about H, is through God. THe whole thing is too horribly painful, and I literally shove it God's way and tell him to take it, 'cause I just can't deal with it nor have the strenght to do it. I've stopped (ok, try each day) worrying and just have faith that God will pull me through it all and I will do just great.

Prayer your way c))))))

[cagzmom]

something ... soemthing i dont want to do but must do...and again it slapped me in the face TODAY.

First the "setting" too much talking to h--but to cold but cordial. Soon softball will be over and it will be much easier to be NC and possibly dark...

ANYWAY-- Saturday when H picked up D11 I set a boundary..I said I dont want to hear about the things you do to "take care of ow anymore..it is extrememly ballsy of you to tell me you are worried about her car etc." Then he said well I dont know if it is any consulation but I kicked her out -- (This was Saturday morning...) I said...I know you H she will be back -- whatever. He said "I don't want to go into it..."

Few hours later have to meet up at her game...she had forgotten her glove - needed to contact him so I did...then we talked for a little bit..he tells me that OW has a drinking problem. I say she is 23 --he says I know its not that its at home..she gets biligerant...etc etc. He says I am not living my life this way etc etc...She has to get a hotel and bla bla bla. AND THAT is where I need to stay...in the BLA BLA BLA..

Why? You dont take the woman you kicked out of your apartment out to dinner with your duaghter the same day you kicked her out would you? She wouldn't stay the night the same day you kicked her out would she?? WELL with this man the above would all be YES.

HE is a LIAR. Everything he says is mixed with truths -- which makes it hard to catch. Everythign. Some truth - mostly lies. AND I NEED IT TO BE DEAD to me. TOO MUCH PAIN!!! TOO MUCH.

My dad defined it like this today-- He said I won't allow myself to believe in the promises in teh Word for my future. I told him he is right -- because I had thought those were for the marriage and life that i had. AND that is where I am stuck -- at least for now.

The hurt of loosing what I had is real and raw again. I WANT to be one of those women who looks up and says..."I am better than this, I deserve better-----and he lost not me.....that is what I want. and that is HARD because that is FACING who H really really is...a liar.