I'm having a few "freak-out" moments, when all of the unresolved issues start dominating my thoughts.
I think I would be freaking-out too...but relax...just take it a day at a time and enjoy this stage as much as possible. I am sure things won't alway be easy but you will work it out as things arise...have faith.
I hypocritically of course tell people who first get here not to snoop. "Do as I say not as I do." Because when you first get here snooping is bad. It is bad for you.
When you're in piecing. I think it is vital, you are rebuilding broken trust, freely given trust is worth the price you sold it for. Nothing.
They have to know you are going to look. I told my wife I would. I still do upon occasion. She knows I will not go through this crap again for her, she knows that we are rebuilding trust, and that I will do this. The longer we go without inncident the less and less I look.
2-3 years to rebuild trust, and that is when it is deserved.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 04/17/0804:47 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I had a bad couple of days over the weekend- I started to feel just like I used to last year, like I've been doing everything, resentful toward h and yesterday I had to tell him. Of course, it all came out wrong- or he took it wrong. I didn't feel this way so much when he was gone b/c if he was gone then I knew I only had myself to rely on. When he's here and not doing what I need him to do, then I get resentful and mad.
Things seem better today.
I know I should be happy that he's working on being back with me. There are small things that have been getting to me (and some big things too). I'm having a hard time figuring out when I should say something to him and when I should let it go. Per DR, I know I'm supposed to "ask for what I want", but how do I do that without sounding like an ungrateful nag?
Per DR, I know I'm supposed to "ask for what I want", but how do I do that without sounding like an ungrateful nag?
Use "I" statements and try to stay away from blame.
Say,
"I would really really appreciate it if I could get a little help picking up the den tonight. That way we could spend a little more time together later."
Instead of,
"You never help me do anything. You need to pick up all your crap out of the living room."
One is definitely ungrateful nag, the other is nice wife making a request.
then be sure to notice when he does help and thank him for it.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
Well NA, if this is going to work, maybe you should talk with him about the fact that unless you both talk open and honestly how you are feeling about issues that your R won't work. That involves painful things, things that you aren't going to repress just to have him back.
Up to you.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Wow! I was going to jump in but I don't want to disagree with Jack! And I didn't with the following:
Quote:
Hold yourself accountable and be very aware of when YOU are pushing your own buttons.
My situation is different since H never officially moved out. Reconciliation started soooooooo slowly. I continued the "don't pressure" practice...still do, to a certain extent, but maybe that's just learning what it takes in my own relationship. My H has never much liked R talk, even before the mess, so I depend on actions more than words. I haven't had to snoop. My H almost never goes out without me. Almost. When he does, sometimes I am tempted to check up on him, but I've resisted. He never leaves the room to have phone conversations anymore. But I guess if his OW was a gambling problem, that would make things significantly different, too--we still have separate checking accounts as a result of the roller coaster.
It's taken a lot of patience in the last year and a half. And my biggest mistakes in the first year were those moments when resentment came flooding back and I blew up--talking plenty of smack about his failures and about the OW. I don't know if I could have resisted it, frankly, but I did reach a turning point with myself where I fully accepted that I HAD to stop punishing him if we had a prayer of making it. Piecing for me has continued to be about healing myself, my own personal growth, and expecting less from him, in terms of how he can make me happy. (not to be confused with being a door mat, but again, my H's behavior for the most part has been good.)
So maybe I don't disagree with Jack after all :-) Different circumstances, different personalities dictate different solutions, but I do think the biggest thing we can do in piecing is holding ourselves accountable for our own behaviors.
Hey, Jack ~ long time no read. I did stop by your thread the other day and was happy to see how well things are going for you. Nice to see all that hard work pay off!
Anyway, I'm responding to the trust but snoop thing. It takes all my willpower sometimes NOT to snoop, but I'm not sure that my motives for not snooping are the right ones - at this point, I could not handle evidence of anything, I have no idea what I would do if I found something - I just don't need the stress, which for me starts as soon as I even think about looking. I shake the entire time and finding nothing proves nothing. For me, it's just not worth it, and wouldn't be unless it was truly a deal-breaker, which apparently in my current spineless state it isn't.
