Had to start another thread....One thing that really drives me crazy is when I talk to my W on the phone and she mentions the OM's name....Should I cut her off and ask her not to mention him? Ignore it? It gets me in a bad mood after she does it... it's just her mentioning his name in passing-but I hate to hear his name, especially her saying it...am I crazy or what...I can't drop this hate....I pray every day that he'll get run over by a truck and then the guy will back up to see if he is ok and run him over again....It is sooooo hard for me to forgive this guy....
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
I think praying for someone's demise is I don't know...counter productive.
Unless your wife has taffy for brains she knows what it does to you. It is a button. If you don't react eventually she will stop, hopefully.
Let you in on a little secret?
You don't HAVE to forgive this guy, now or later. What you HAVE to do is stop reacting like someone stuck a cattle prod in your nethers when his name is mentioned.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I have been good wen talking to her...but it still hurts...and every once in a while the kids will tell me somethig the a@@hole did or said...I used to ask them not to talk about him to me..but I guess thats wrong to do to them...I'm trying to stay strong Jack....I had to get my financials to my attorney today so things are moving....It scares me the closer I get to a D...but what else can I do? On the religious side I am trying to let God grab the steering wheel but I have tried it before and things just keep progressing. It seems like all of my fears have come true so far......
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
I am not hugely religious. I don't quote the Bible, I don't go to church. I do believe in God, I do pray. I want you to know that off the bat. It's not an invitation for discussion, just letting you know where I stand.
I do believe that God directs us, but he doesn't steer the car for us, you know? He is whispering in our ear telling us where to go, but he is letting us drive.
Of course it hurts.
And I understand EVERYTHING you have posted, from before up until now. Everything.
Protect your children, you're doing good.
It will seems like all your fears will continue to come true.
Are you living in fear of that?
When your wife brings his name up, you can politely tell her "I really don't want to talk about him." Politely, if she keeps it up you can politely hang up on her.
I don't know what to tell you Patrick, except weather this storm as best as you can. She is watching your reactions, it seems like she is pushing your buttons.
How do you react?
How do you live?
Quote:
Invictus by William Ernest Henley OUT of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
My your head be unbowed.
Stand tall.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I had a tough night tonight. I did a crappy job of DBing...My W called me tonigt and was pushing my buttons. She told me she wasn't going to pay her part of the mortgage anymore since she moved into the OM's house. Then she continued to go on and say that I was jealous because she was happy and I never made her happy. Unfortunately I didn't hold back and went on to tell her that this guy was going to leave her stranded one day and that what she had done was morally the lowest thing she could do....and then I told her that the only thing i ever wanted was for her to take me back.....I totally screwed up!!!!! I am so mad at myself but I just can't sit there and take abuse from her when she has done what she has done to me...now she is basically threatening me financially....I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive this woman for all the pain she is putting me through...it's almost like she is an evil witch trying to hurt me in every way she can......to start out she called me and told me how the kids weren't going to church Sunday because she wanted to take them to the beach with OM and his family and had to go on to tell me that her parents are going...like she s prposely shoving it in my face that they are accepting him....I am ready to explode!!!
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
I am sorry that you are having a bad time tonight. I've already been all the way thru it and I know what your going thru. It is defintely the most horrific time of your life.
I stopped contact with the ex when he pushed my buttons. I just didn't want to deal with it. It was very painful. You need to detach. Let it go. Move forward in your life. It is simply the hardest thing to do but for now being where you are is not good for you. She will do anything to make you hurt. And your better than that. I don't know why the continue to hurt us but they do and the best thing for me was to move on with myself and children. It hard I really know that but sometimes you need to drop the rope as Snodderly said to me and move forward with myself. I did it got easier. It was hard but it got easier and easier. I am in a great place now. You need to know that all this will pass. that you will be alright.
YOU have options. You are the one that will be the strongest. It takes healing and time. I don't know your full situation but I am only here to tell you that it does get better when YOU decide to get better. My thoughts are with you tonight and I hope that I said something that could possibily help you. ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
It's a long story but I will try to give an abbreviated version, if it's possible....Married 17 years, three daughters, very family oriented marriage, real estate takes a dive(she's a realtor) July '07 she drops the bomb, say's I take her for granted, ILYBINILWU, she wants me to move out, counseling for 9 weeks, I think she is having a EA with neighbor, Nov 25 I move out after threats of D hoping we can patch it up-have kids three nights a week, She starts dating neighbor late Dec, files for D in Jan, Feb she moves her and kids into neighbors house....I'm a wreck trying to decide if it's worth it to try to hang on...my lawyer is stalling as much as she can legally..she changed so much in the first 3 months of this I didn't know what to think...she lost 35 lbs, had lazer hair removal, and was very hateful toward me...she chose this guy over her kids and me and her family over the holidays(and she was super family oriented). but now she seems a lot more like her old self...more than she did anyhow....I am trying to DB but not doing the greatest...I am unsure how long I can hold out and if it's worth it...These guys on this site have been helping sooo much though....if it wasn't for them I would be in jail, dead or in a psych ward....Thanks guys!! But I still love my W (but I'm not "in" love with her..lol) If I ever get the chance I hope we can piece it back together....but with 3 kids going back and forth every week it's tough to get along with her...she tries to manipulate me. She get's angry when I don't do what she wants..financially she is trying to take me to the cleaners....it's hard enough knowing your spouse doesn't love you..but when they try to hurt you it is unbelievable...I feel like I awoke in a nightmare and I can't escape......this story probably sounds similair to a lot of people here..it seems like an epidemic!
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
It's hard when they are so hurtful and manipulative. You need to do what you need to do to take of yourself.
You need to put your needs and your kids needs first. You will need to detach to let yourself heal. It is a long process and it is very painful. You should set boundaries of what you will put up with. This is very important to do..it helps you deal with the conflicts and pain You have every right to think of yourself and what are the best options for your sanity. Just to let you know I did go to a psych hospital for a week.
So what if she gets mad. That is not YOUR problem. They get mad about anything...anything... They are angry and they take it out on you. Don't let it affect you. There is nothing that you can do all the time to try and keep the peace. It's crazy and not healthy for you.
I've been there. It is so painful but I am here to tell you that you will be okay one day. That you do heal. I do hope that you get back together. Read some of the DB practices again. Go out with friends. Do some 180's. Get a new look. try to stay busy that helps. Update yourself. If you don't know of a 180 that you can do isolate a particular incident and rearrange it in your mind for a better outcome. Visiualize situations so that you are better prepared next time she tries to manipulate you. I was very used to being manipulated by X. I'm NOT anymore. I got strong and you will too. It comes along with a MLCer and what they do to us.
You need to make decsions on your own that are good for you and the children. Just because she is the mother does not mean that she is a mother right now. Do what YOU want.
My situation was I wanted to keep the marriage at all costs. As I got more and more stronger I realized that it really was not the best thing for me. I am over it all. I moved on. I am very happy.
I will not encourage you do anything that you do not want to do. To each person they need to make their own decsions. But realize that you are in a situation that no one should every be in. YOU are the only one that knows everything about your marriage, yourself and what you want. It is a painful situation we all know that... I wish you strength and hope. ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
we are selling the house...I am renting about 5 miles away...but my W is refusing to help pay the mortgage so I don't know what to do if it doesn't sell soon...
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
