I am starting a new thread and I hope it coincides with a fresh start for me also. I am feeling like my H and I get along better than ever and it is amazing to say the least. There are so many struggles in daily life at times it is a wonder we all have energy left to put into our Marriages. I cannot say I am riding off into the sunset and I am going to live Happily Ever After, that stuff is for Fairy Tales. But I will say that it is getting easier to feel like I am going to be able to spend a long time with my H. For what seemed like an eternity I felt so many ups and downs. It seemed like I was banging my head against a wall. I do remember that it said WAS take a while to believe the changes. My H sure did take a long time, he would test me whenever he got the chance. I see he is ultimately still the same Man but there is just something different about the way he interacts with me. I also am currently working on realizing he may never see things the way I do and he loves me in his way not in mine.
I love to hear I am beautiful and he loves me ..... I get it sometimes and not as often as I would like but there are ways he shows me he loves me w/o words. Like cooking or ML, snuggling while watching TV......
I am very appreciative of this website and all the people in our online community and will continue to post here as a way to organize my thoughts and get feed back once in awhile.
I realize the gift I have been given and now I am upon a time where I can start to enjoy this and feel more grounded. I never expected it to take almost 2 years and yet I am seeing it had to take that long to fix almost 10 years of confusion and not getting along and being silent.
For a long time my eyes were not open to my R and how vital it was to my life. I thought all the love in my heart would make everything ok,,, it helped to heal our R and for me to never give up. But it was working towards solutions that made my love jump out at him. And realizing he is human. And knowing it is not all about me it is about him too. I stopped focusing and what he was doing to me and looked deep inside and began to change all the ugly in me.... then set boundaries and now the fruits of my Labor.
It feels good to finally say I have officially Busted my Divorce. August of 2006, I stopped it, THE PROCESS , and started piecing. At times it felt more like Hell than Heaven. And now with patience and hard work it is more like Heaven than Hell. Starting a new page in my book and it feels right and it feels blessed. God bless......
We are getting along well. Although, we had a Major Discussion RE~ his MOM the OW and his Sister. It was like "word vomit" spewing from me. Just facts not trying to hurt him and I did not verbally abuse him either.After years of just staying quiet and not saying a thing. ~Amazingly he listened. He did not talk to me too much for a day and a half, ..... but he did not stop me and he did not defend..... he heard me. Finally heard ~ME! So I feel like I have made real progress, I feel safe to speak my mind , I feel loved and most of all I now feel respected.
He has done things with me and the kids that he has never even done before. And it is from the heart and they include him and have nothing to do with money. He took the kids to the library, his idea not mine. He smiles at them more. And today he offered to walk them to school..... To me these things and more that he is doing now are PRICELESS. And what I had always wanted for him to do!~ He is becoming the Father I always knew he could be and the Husband I used to only dream of.... I am blessed and I am going to continue to thank God for this blessing and keep working.... keep this Miracle alive. I am almost to the 2 year ago mark when everything hit the fan and now I have this amazing Gift. He is different and he is present and the kids are Happy. Again all I can say is a ~WOW~ A REAL Miracle. I am so proud of him growing like this. Will post more soon. THank you to everyone for your support. Love and God bless, Ali
Today is the day I remember too well.... when this whole JOURNEY started 2 years ago. I feel different now and somehow stronger. And at the same time I am very humble. I am grateful for the chance to have my Family intact. I can remember the pain . I always posted that it was almost tangible. I clearly remember the ache when I wanted to call him in early evening and the pain I felt in the middle of my chest. I wanted to hear his voice and he really didnt want to hear mine. How he thought I was acting... that I really did not love him or change. I was pretending. The immense pain of thinking this is over and I let this happen. I closed myself off and waited for him to do all the work after all he .....HURT ME!
~Falling flat on your face changes you from the inside so much when you put in work.
TODAY it is sunny and beautiful out and tomorrow our kids told him he has to go to MUFFINS FOR MOM. OUR s8 SAID "yOU KNOW DAD , MOM has been filling in for you." *( they also have DOUGHNUTS FOR DAD and only I go)* If he goes tomorrow it will be the 2nd time he goes and the kids have been at that school for 3+ years and the last time he went was just around this time ( after the BOMB) and I had all I could do to stay calm and not break down and cry. I still remember it like it was yesterday. We were sitting next to eachother but light years apart.
I am thankfully here today and in a better place after so much pain..... I think I am feeling the light on my face now and not just looking at it from a distance.... It is a blessing..... God bless.....
~Ok so things are running along just beautifully and then yesterday my record screeched ...just like in the Movies. And I thought for a second oh SH*T here it comes the dreaded ugly I knew would come when things were going so well.
He got out of the shower and said to me very seriously... " You know all the talks we had when we were on the phone when I was in Mexico.... it makes me sad cause you are not doing anything...."
I thought "WTF?" And then he added "and dont ask me what I mean"
So I swallowed the big knot in my throat and replied... "OK I WILL NOT ASK YOU THEN."
I sat there for a minute and felt dread.....
~What does this mean ?
I am looking at my behavior and the only thing I can figure is I am not ML to him enough or maybe touching him enough?
It is hard to explain ,, but it is as if he put the R on pause when he became and inconsiderate a**h*le @ 10 years ago and now wants us to act like boyfriend and girlfriend and I have been in tiis for the whole way and I feel good now.
So back to the drawing board and yet I wanna just lift him up and shake it out of him... sometimes I feel like he acts like a little kid and sometimes I feel like I am filling an empty bucket that never gets full... like there is a crack in the seam. A crack he doesnt want to help fill.
I ML to him last nite and then again this morning and made him breakfast and was upbeat and loving..........
I still feel like I cannot see what it is I am not doing........ I feel frustrated
I also recently found out for sure he was cheating on me a lot about 7 years ago and I have not said anything to him.... Forgive and LOve him and yet I dunno it did sting it felt like somoene punched me in the stomach when she told me....... I always suspected but she just confirmed it...
I dunno I want to please him and I am willing to keep on and yet I know I cannot fill an empty tank the rest of my Life... and he pretends too much evrything is ok with him and doesnt tell me stuff until it seems too late. I feel like he will act and act until he gets to where he did 2 years ago.... I am doing my best and I am actively trying. If he doesnt love himself yet and it is just an act I know this may fail one day......
babling and frustrated Happy but sad too. He left very Happy for work...................? I just found my DR book yesterday while cleaning out a closet... I should open it up or invest in SSM.... cause I think that is his issue......
Lots more to work on and need to start a Journal like I did when I was seperated........
It is not the end of the world and I am at a place that I always wanted to be with him communicating with me... so it stung like h*ll but it is his truth and I need to work harder....
I did afterall tell him to tell me when he felt lonely when we had our long converstions on the phone.
So I fell of and have been going down the same tunnels and falling into old patterns.... time to brush myself off and see what else could work for me.....
I am proud of my 180 instead of stewing I ML to him.... takes less time and is more fun too.
Positives and negatives but I am still moving forward... Thank God... and my previous post helped clear my head.
I do scramble for a solution like a chicken with my head cut off. ~Bleh!~ but slow and steady wins the race.. God bless........
Today is the day I remember too well.... when this whole JOURNEY started 2 years ago.
Ali, Two years! I'm coming up on the one-year anniversary of my bomb. I can't believe I've made it through this year. Last summer I was hoping/wishing that I could fast forward a year so it would all be over. But it's not over! However, I agree that we're all stronger, better people.
About your H and the whatever he says "you're not doing." You have no recollection of the conservation he had with you? If it makes you feel better, I try to have the same kind of talks with my H -- ask him what he wants, what I could do better (as far as intimacy) and he hardly ever gives me straight answers. I swear if he comes back one day and complains that I never do this or that I'm going to bop him in the head!
It sounds like you two are doing pretty good together, so maybe he just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Then again, he can't expect you to read his mind!
I have to admit I have read your thread... I dont remember if I posted words of encouragement or not but do know you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are an amazing Woman.
Its not that I dont recollect what he said its just that we spoke of sooooooooooooo many things but the main issue I know is Physical contact. Be it ML , kissing , hugging and me being like I used to be.
Can you come over so you can bop my H on the head too? He needs it.....
He is getting better but he does still need to realize I am not psychic.... Also this morning I winked at him and wanted to get "frisky" and he said he was tired from working so hard yesterday....... ?????? Confused as H*ll comes to mind.
I am going to start a Journal about our days cause then later when he says I never Initiate I will actually have a Record......
.... 2 years ..... seems to have flown by and at the same time the days used to seem endless. I read somewhere on this Forum that it takes 1 month for each year of Marriage to repair the damage and then add a few more for good measure for the "affair". So Voila' @ 2 years.... ~Bleh..~
Oh well you know what yes we are all better people ...but remember this DBing isnt for the weak or faint of heart. We all give ourselves far too little credit for working our Hinders off in the wings.
I do believe this is why his comment of " i aint doin' nothing" stung even more. If he only knew. Thanks Joie for your post... its nice when someone says hi to me.. all my old friends are hardly posting at all.... and I am glad cause it means they are in a good place now. They were there for me when I was a puddle on the ground and now that I am strong it is good for me to continue to post to keep at this.
~Will post more later I am off to get my hair colored at the Spa I work at..... need a little divalisciousness just for me. That is one thing I have loved about this Journey.
~ I know for sure I need to have me time and he knows it too now... but that is a another very long story. God Bless.....
~Ok I am over the little bump we had the other day. I do know I still have to kick it up a notch and be stellar..... put him first. He wants my full attention.. he needs me to be present and not doing other meaningless stuff when he is home.
@2 years later we are just finally getting this right. We are able to communicate in a way I hoestly never thought possible. It did take a whole h*ll of a lot of hard work to get here......and a lot of change in me. I am also reading and listening to the podcasts of A New Earth and amazingly they are helping me further. To grow as a person. I do think that is really key here. I think a lot of us get lost in our lives and our M and most importatnly our SELF gets lost in there. We are so busy doing we forget to really live. I do rememeber I started to live just some time ago...I always did enjoy the green grass when spring comes around and the Tulips and the Lilacs and of course how really blue the sky can get at times.... but when I really sat and took the time to be present I realized there is so much beauty in this world and I am focused on the UGLY.
I used to focus so hard on what he wasnt doing for me... when I looked really hard at me ....? ?????????????????????
Sure I was doing for him but it came from a place of fear and just to get the job done not usually from a place of love. He was guilty and so was I.......
Underneath it all I really loved him but all the other sh*t was dragging me down and I actively chose daily to carry around that Bag of *&^%$#(. Easier to carry around a bag of &(*&%^$ than to open it up and look deep at it and change and also let go of useless worry and regret and holding so tightly onto the past I wasnt even living in the present. Somedays the past seems a distant fog.. and it is sad really. Sad to think I wasted * we wasted so much time on things that did not work. So if something doesnt work change it and move it and replace it with something that does...... It feels so good to talk to my H and know he is actually listening. To know he really loves me and we are really going to be ok... I have to keep at it everyday. Anything worth having is worth effort and the beauty that comes from that effort is ... well priceless... Love and God bless... ~Ali
Ali, i can relate to so much of what you're saying. It does take a long time, hard work and a lot of self discovery to get to a healthy place in the M.
You are growing and learning and that is the most important thing. A healthy you will contribute to a healthy M.
But the hard work never ends. That is a hard lesson I've learned. You always need to keep your eye on the ball.
You go girl!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
It is a blessing.....
