Where to start. I have read so many posts over the past few days.
One month ago, my W said she wanted a separation: I was shocked. I got the I care for you, but don't love you talk. We have been strained for a few years, and over the last year, we threatened separation, but we tried to work on it. We got lost in our marriage and brining up our kids D20 S19 and forgot about ourselves. I felt nagged, she felt I didn't validate her feelings. We are in counseling and then the bomb drops: she has OM! My world crumbled before my eyes, heart torn in half. She has been seeing him for 11 months. I travel a great deal, so it was easy to hide. I felt her pulling away for a the last couple of years, but tried to fix things the old fashion way. Although she says she has not talked to this person for about a month now, the EA is still going on. She did admit that last week she did call him and that was the only time she has. She still thinks there is a chance with him. Although everybody says this is textbook; he is going to leave his W, she is going to leave M and they will live happily ever after.
I did all the wrong things to begin with: begged her not to do this, all the good years far outweighed the bad years, I love her, why can't she love me back, etc.. You all get the picture. I even quickly forgave her for the OM. She is seeing a counselor and we go to couples counseling. She still insists that she cannot love me anymore because of all the hurt and disconnecting over the years. I found the DR book while on a trip and loved what I read; so many success stories. I am hopeful, and that is enough for me right now.
I made one more big mistake before I decided to start the DBing; in a way, it was a 180 as I rarely talk about why I am upset. So I spilled it all: I was upset at the affair, at me for putting her in that situation, for not doing things together, etc. I then told her I am going to back way off.
So this is the second month of the worst time in my life. When I got home from the gym last night, we had a casual conversation about our kids and her car, and I went upstairs to write in my journal. I went to bed to read (she is in the guest room for the past month) and said I would not say goodnight to her, even though I am leaving the next morning for a business trip. Of course I buckled because my insides were just tearing me up. But I am not going to call her while on this trip and when I talk, I only get myself in trouble.
I need advice and help: I am totally lost. I have read the book twice and putting goals together. This is the worst thing I have ever experienced and am dedicated to making this work out.
From all the stories, it is not too late. She said she is going down the D path, which makes me ill. So any advice, help, etc. would be greatly appreciated.
M - 46 W - 47 M - 23 Y T - 26 Y S - 19 D - 20 Bomb 3/18/08
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
Sorry you are here with us, but you found the right place. The people here are great and you will get great support. Sometimes the responses are not as quick as you would like, but KEEP POSTING. Someone will help.
The things that work for me:
Be patient, the path is very long... Forgive S daily. --> Don't carry the burden! Pray. Detach! --> This makes everything easier to cope with. "Drop the rope" Listen/Empathy --> "I understand you feel that way" GAL, 180, etc
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks - I have read a lot of the posts and have appreciated the thoughts I have seen.
Patience is what doesn't come naturally! :-) But I am doing what I can. I know I am in a marathon and not a sprint - but I was always a sprinter!
I write daily to forgive - but tend to beat myself up more than forgive, I am sure this will come eventually.
I do pray daily - of course I want miracles.
I am having a hard time detaching though. I almost asked her to move out, but then I thought that is a step backwards, not a baby step forward.
I have always been a talker, but am learning more about myself through a lot of good books. Loving What Is by Byron Katie along with the DR books have helped reconnect with who I was and where I am going.
Luckily I am on a business trip right now, so have time to reflect, write, think. Sometimes I don't think I have any more tears, but they keep on coming.
The only good thing is that I have lost 30 lbs (not the ideal way) which put me back at my college days!
I am also trying to keep my sense of humor...
Thanks Ready
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
Since I have some down time, thought I would expand a bit. I had an EA about 4 years ago, really didn't even realize it until we went to counseling! I was more like a big brother, but looking back, it took a toll on the marriage. W and I even talked about the person, but still didn't realize the toll until now.
We have been going to counseling and and right now everything is what I have done wrong in the marriage - the sad part, I thought things were okay, not great, but okay. Last summer we got into a big argument and she said she was still wanting to try, I had no idea she was already in an affair. I was going on doing more around the house, trying to find common interests again, etc. and getting very little in return. At one point, I even said that I felt I was working my butt off and getting very little in return! That was about a week before the bomb - I wasn't getting anything in return!
She definetly thinks that she is in love with this guy and he will leave his W for her. Even though he has at least a couple of kids. I have not asked many questions about the affair, not sure what I should ask! I do know that her counselor (yes, we have our counselor, her counselor and my counselor - we are keeping Northern Cal therapists in business) has talked about the euphoria of an affair, the fact that very few work out and of the ones that do, over 60% end in divorce. She thinks hers will be different. It is so FN hard to hear that she loves somebody else, almost makes me want to walk. But dang if I don't love her.
Yesterday, I did exactly what I was not supposed to do, beg and plead and tell her how selfish she is, blah, blah, blah. But today I have decided to try and detach. Today, I was determined not to call her, but my S called and I needed to clear some things with her. But I was consice and to the point and hung up. I will not call her tonight, I need to give her space. I no longer say ILY or I Miss You - she knows that and I am driving her away.
I have hope. Even though she said she is down the D path, I have hope. So please God, give me strength!
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
Michele says, "more of the same" behavior, brings "more of the same" results. If something is broken, do something differently! So...name two things in your relationship that you'd like to see change in two weeks? Break these two goals into positively-stated, action-oriented, and small, do-able chunks. Michele then recommends that you ask yourselk, "What would be the first sign that you're headed into the right direction?"
Still, you need to stay away from pursuing behavior. This includes: nagging, crying, yelling, and participating in R talk. Then, come back and give us a report.
I have a few that I am shooting for - but two that are important:
I would like her to say goodnight to me when she goes to her room at night without me prompting.
I would like to watch a movie at home in the next two weeks.
Do these seem too small?
In my current mind set, I am done with the pursing behavior - now is time to focus on GAL and 180.
The weird part of all of this is that D and S come home from college soon. They know we are in different rooms, but don't know about OM, nor will they.
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
Hi CBK! Happy to hear that the GALs at work. IMO, your goals are do-able. As for prompting him to wish you a good night night...why don't you STOP the prompting and see where it leads you. Some people hate to be reminded.
I hope you enjoy x-tra time with the children. Are you sure that they won't find out? Your children are adults. They are pretty intuitive.
Hi CB. I'm sorry for your pain. I know how you feel. The Divorce Remedy book is better than the other one if you can get it. Read the section on infidelity. Some of it is on this website.
Sounds like you are on the right track. You are also still in the same house, still speaking, still in counseling! Count your blessings. Some of us don't have any of that.
Tia is right. You must become a "new" person (180) immediately for this to work. THINK about (don't ask her) what has caused the two of you to drift apart and CHANGE THAT! No pursuing. And no questioning, especially about OM. The more you push, the more she'll pull.
You said, "yesterday I decided to detach." You have to "decide" to do this over and over and over and over. Be that "new person" consistently. She will even probably throw a few more bombs to test you. PASS THE TEST!
Never give up hope. I believe in miracles and prayer.
I am still trying to figure out the 180 - I have a lot of work to do on my own to accomplish this and am willing to get there. I have a few good books and am thinking about going to one of the Work schools - but the next one isn't until June.
I know I need to reconnect, listen more, really hear what she is saying. I do get this.
Interesting I shouldn't talk about the OM - even in counseling? I am bummed she called him, but that was her choice, not mine. In DR, Michelle did say ask questions - but be careful as you may not want to hear the answers. Right now, I have a good idea of what went on, how they met, etc. Is that enough? How do I get past the OM?
I am dying to call right now as I just found out about ten minutes ago that our company is going though a huge restructure - luckily I am very safe, but still will add more stress to the mixture. Do I just keep all of this to myself?
I am going to get a DB counselor after I read the book one more time and get some thoughts on paper.
I am sure I sound like many posters, but in all my life, I never thought I would be here!
I understand "never thought I would be here." No one ever thinks it's going to be them. It's always a shock. It always sucks.
It's OK to discuss the other person with someone besides your wife. You have to discuss it with your therapist (and maybe a good friend?). Just probably not a great idea to discuss it with her. You'll only get angry, sad, frustrated, etc. and all that will push her in his direction. Don't ask me why. It just works that way.
Regarding talking about your business and other stuff, maybe you can call a good friend to start sharing things with. I'm no expert, if your wife is receptive, maybe you should call her. Ask the therapist. I went to therapy for over a year and every time I went, I took 4 or 5 sheets of paper filled with questions. They know what to do. They've seen all this hundreds of times and they know what she's thinking and what happens in "most" cases.
The 180 is difficult and I was unsuccessful at completing it in time. An example would be, if you never cleaned house before, start cleaning. If you have a beard, shave it. If you're overweight, lose it. If you drink, stop. If you've never gone to church, go. Get the picture? Do just the opposite in one or two areas, maybe more. I'm actually learning more about what I need to do as I type this.
Cry and be sad when you're alone, not in front of her. Yes, it sucks. But there's hope all this will turn around eventually. Probably not as quickly as you'd like. Keep hoping & keep praying. K
