A few weeks ago my WAW got upset with me because I didn't want to babysit our son while she went out with another man.
She's been pushing for a divorce. She told me that she was going to change her last name, that I was going to here from her lawyer and that it was over. Since then she has avoided me and we only talk when our son is involved.
On Saturday she said she wanted to be friends and didn't want to have a court fight.
I don't understand why she wants me to agree to a divorce instead of her filing for one if she really wants it.
The other question I have is am I right for not wanting a divorce and not accepting her position? Am I being selfish? I know that I want to stay married and keep our family together. (She tells me she doesnt have feelings for me).
PJ, How long have you been seperated? Has the OM been in the picture the whole time....was your WAW having a EA/PA? I'm trying to get a feel for where she is at in all of this. It took me a good 4 months after I left to get past the anger stage and start to think twice about my decision. This happened after 6-8 months of anger build up inside the marriage.
I think/feel it's a positive sign you haven't heard from a lawyer from her side, and she doesn't want a court battle. This to me indicates there could be some hesitation on her side. That is just my two cents.
As hard as it is to see what she has done to your family, be patient. Don't push her or argue. Detatch, with love. As soon as my H stopped calling, begging, pleading...and detatched and started to GAL of his own...that is when I truly had time to reflect on my decision and look at what I had done. It was then I realized what a big fat mistake I had made.
Kudos to you for wanting to keep your family together. You are not wrong for wanting to keep your family together. You are wanting to stay true to vows you made...nobody can blame you or critize you for doing that. As long as you stay true to yourself, and honest with yourself...that is all that matters. In the end, we are only judged by One. He, above all would want you to keep your family together.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers Questions just ask! We are all here to help and encourage eachother
Take care hugs Christarn
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
The other question I have is am I right for not wanting a divorce and not accepting her position? Am I being selfish? I know that I want to stay married and keep our family together. (She tells me she doesnt have feelings for me).
any advice would be greatly appreciated. thanks
PC, You are not being selfish for wanting to keep your marriage together. If this is what you want, then you don't need to do anything at this point. If this is what she wants, let her be the one doing the work to file.
Have you read Michelles books? Go out and get Divorce Busters or Divorce Recovery.
Originally Posted By: Christarn
As hard as it is to see what she has done to your family, be patient. Don't push her or argue. Detatch, with love. As soon as my H stopped calling, begging, pleading...and detatched and started to GAL of his own...that is when I truly had time to reflect on my decision and look at what I had done. It was then I realized what a big fat mistake I had made.
Read what others have posted here. As Christan said above, very often it is the pulling back from the LBS that gives the WAS the time and space to really think about the situation and figure out if it is really the best choice.
Some more details would probably help others to provide advice, but I would say it is time to work on yourself for now. No reason to push for anything you don't want.
We've been seperated since July and it really hurts knowing that she doesn't want to be intimate with me. I also know that she doesn't want to be imtimate so that she can eventually get the divorce.(state law with regards to cohabitation)
At this point, detatch, detatch, detatch. I just had a conversation much similar to this with my DB coach today. There are 4 stages to reconciling a M.... 1. defusing negative thoughts 2.friendship 3.romance 4. reconciling. I asked her things I could be doing to work on getting past stage one and moving us into stage 2. She said detatch, make him clearly understand that I have no expectations, and as of now...the past is the past. We must first repair our friendship before we can ever be anymore.
If you can, I reccommend a DB coach, mine has offered great advice. She offers insight into what my H's behaviors mean and why he may be feeling the way he does. It has so far been a good and valuable investment.
Read and re-read Michelle's books. They will really give you some good pointers.Gary Chapman also has some good reads as well as Dr Phil.
Take care christarn
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
Hey pcjohnson61, I am too in a WAW sitch. It is tough, really tough. It is helping me to know many overcame this difficulties and I find that DR is giving me hope, that it is what I need. This is what I noticed gave some results. You have to be your best in front of W, I started caring more about my aspect, look lovingly but independent, relaxed, if you can use humor and be a pleasant person to be around - show that you want to give her all the space she needs - if you have to fight try not to get enraged and storm (this is very hard for me) - speak with a soft voice - don't look in panic - be there but not too much - and most important of all look what it works and do MORE of it and look what it DOESN'T work and do LESS of it. For example, I tried to be cold and detached with my W and she got even more cold and detached, I understood she thought I don't care and so that she is right to walk away - in my sitch the optimum is on a very fine line - I have to show I care without pursuing her, and I'm still not sure how to do it. Few days ago we where joking on the fact that also if our lives are going to take separate paths would be nice to live together our "silver years" in the same retirement home. I pushed a bit and said hey maybe in 5 years - but she backed up fast and said "I was thinking more in 20 years". It is like with a wild animal you have to get close very slowly, any sudden move and she runs away very fast.
