I started posting several weeks ago regarding an affair I had that lasted for a year on and off. My W discovered the A for the second time and was devastated, who could blame her. Now she is having an affair with the OW ex fiancee!
My C told me that my W having an affair is not untyipical in situations like this. Her A is a way to help her cope and understand what/why I did what I did. Now it seems as though she may be falling in love with the OM. I know that woman have affiars for "love" and men for pysical reasons.
I am afraid because her behavior is totally out of character for her. My W is very self concious about her body, even though she has no reason to be, and was never permiscuous. Now this OW is telling her everything she wants to hear and she is cutting everyone out. She will stay out till all hours of the morning, and has even spent the night with the OW.
My fear is that his actions are a set up, he still has frequent contact with the "ex fiancee" and according to her he has even asked to give it another shot between them.
My W is so out of character right now, she hardly spends time with our children (S-7/ D-5) avoids her friends and is constantly telling me to move out of our house. I realize that she is still very upset about my A, but when I mention that she is doing the same thing she will reply that it is not because "As far as she is concerned our marriage is over so she can do what she wants". I know she doesn't really mean it, I hope.
She has promised not to run out and file for D, and she has not. She has said that she will give it time but she doesn't think anything will change, but we went through a very rough patch two years ago in which she was the definition of a WAW, and she told me again and agian that nothing would change, infact whe had filed for D and after a couple of trips to the court house and several thousand dollars combined she stopped it cold.
Even after the discovery of my A we were going to work on things and spent a week together on a Carribean cruise, wher we both expressed our love and devotion to eachother constantly, but as soon as we returned home it is like a switch went off and she began pulling away and acting very distant from me and everyone else.
I am praying that this is truly part of a recovery process for her and not the end of our 9 year M.
I would like advice or words of encouragement from anyone who may have experienced something similiar.
And to answer a question that was asked severaal times under my other thread "long term affair" in the extramarital affairs link, yes I have finally told her the truth about everything that occured during my A, but the OM and OW are now adding in a bunch of their own BS to keep her mad.
I haven't found your thread on extramartial affairs. I will answer a few questions, and ask a few. First let me give you this background, Like you I had an affair on my W. many years ago before our son was born.
5 years later the guilt and shame started to eat me alive so I told her the truth. This was about Jan 07, I gave her all the information she wanted, I was very open and honest. She asked me to stop talking to the OW she wanted to make it work, however I was a mess emotionally and felt guilt not only for my actions that hurt my wife but also because of the scenario the OW was in. I am not going to get into that because my guilt for the OW was misplaced and innappropriate.
Shortly after my wife learning of the physical 5 years prior and the continued contact that resurfaced 5 years later she started to "shut down" to me. She started to confide in a male friend and was not telling me about it. This went on for many months, the cell phone bill was the proof. I accused her of two wrongs don't make a right, what she was doing wasn't much better than what I did. You name it, She vascilated back and forth from we are done, to we can work it out, we went to c. but only went we did not do the outside work.
C. tried to get to the root of the problem the C. believed trust was the problem, my W. said nope I totally trust he would never do anything like that again, that is not the issue. We attend C. for about 6 weeks, very little if any improvement. I could see it on her face she did not want to be there. So I recommended we stop going, we were wasting time and money.
We stop going, the holidays come and all of sudden she is back on board and wants to work it out, things go okay for 3 or so weeks but I sense there still is a problem. Mid Jan comes and I find out she went to see a lawyer and has filed for D. Of course I ask her why and she says because I don't trust you, I can't trust you. Of course I ask what is wrong now, answer it is nothing new it is the same thing that happened in the past, you can't ever change it or make it right.
Alright now you have my sitch, here is what you should gleam from this: What I did was wrong having an A. that other than abuse or molestation is the worst thing someone can do to a marriage. In all cases trust is broken and security is shattered.
Focusing on the infidelity because that is where you and I are at. Our wives are looking for security and love somewhere else. Why, because we shattered their self esteem. They have gone through a gambit of emotions and in their mind it is all our fault. Now what you did, what I did, what your W. did, what my W. did is each of our faults.
What you did and what I did contributed to their actions but did not cause them. Each is responsible for their own actions. I have done alot of searching within myself and have read and continue to read a ton of material on rebuilding trust, After the Affair and put myself in her shoes.
I don't like wearing those shoes they hurt very badly, so this is how she feels. It took me about 14 months after giving the details of the infidelity to determine why. Of course I thought it was her fault my needs weren't being met, I would be happier somewhere else, you name it. None of which was pointed at the actual reason.
Self respect and self esteem, I did not feel loved that is true, but I didn't because I went through a period in which I doubted myself for various reasons I won't get into. The point is your affair was not physical unless you have some sexual addiction, your infidelity was most likely because you were trying to make yourself feel better about yourself and for whatever reason you did not feel that on your own.
So here is my recommendation, leave your w to her own devices, in other words let her figure things out on your own. She isn't going to listen to anything you say because she does not trust you or your motives (understandably). Spend some time in coaching by yourself, do not urge your W. to go with you, if she wants too fine, but this is for you.
You can't control her just like she can't control you. Now drop the she is doing this attitude and focus on you. What you should do is figure out why you did what you did and work on changing that. Write her a letter or talk to her down the road and explain why you did what you did. Tell her and show her you will never do it again. Fix you, do what you can to rebuild trust and let her figure her stuff out on her own.
Be supportive but not condeming. Two A don't make a right, but it doesn't justify the first A either. Best of luck, work on you be supportive and don't kick her out, she did not do it to you, so you owe it to her to give her the same support, then maybe down the road you can begin to rebuild your marriage.
And please don't go around blabbing to everyone about your A. or hers it just makes it tougher to for her to save face. This seems to bother women more than men(general observation, I don't have any stats to prove it.) Best of luck and get to work on you!
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Thanks goodfight, I am already doing most of what you reccomended. I am leaving the house for a while to put some distance between us, give her some time to figure things out.
Right now she says that is the only way for her to heal, I owe her that much. We are both in agreement that I am not abandoning my family but doing what is necessary to try and heal the family.
Your advice is much the same that I recieved from an old friend who has gone through the same situations in his marriage, and he and his wife are now happier together than ever before.
I am in this for the long haul and will do whatever it takes to make our M work again.
