I've been over in the infidelity forum for months. Been thinking about moving here for awhile. Part of me was afraid of doing it too soon. I also wasn't sure what to post.
H's A lasted for a year. Then he was in motorcycle accident with OW. Hell of a way to get busted. We're still dealing with the fallout from the accident, liability issues, DWI, etc. But the A is definitely over -- even though because of the legal issues, he still has contact with OW. But is fairly minimal and also necessary. (Read my last post from the infidelity forum for the details.)
As I look back on it, H and I seemed to reconcile fairly. I owe my thanks to the OW who did every anti-DB trick in the book. She pursued, she threatened, gave ultimatums, got angry, etc. I just sort of sat back and watched their R die. The fantasy is long over for him. I'm bad because it makes me smile ... in one talk not too long after the A wax exposed, he told me that he was so sure that they would be ok together.
While all that was going on, I worked on myself and the problems I had that contributed to our dysfunctional M. My number one problem was sex. I've gotten beyond that. His A was like a 9-11 wake-up call for me. I got into counseling and read tons about infidelity and rekindling your sex drive.
I've read that most reconciliation between couples takes months, but sometimes you're lucky ... it seems I made the lucky list. When OW began showing her true colors, H came right back to me. But now what? I'm afraid we have missed something, some important part of piecing or reconciliation. I want to make sure we rebuild so that we're stronger and better than ever as there is NO WAY I'm going through the pain and anger of infidelity again! We need to have more R talks, I know. What else do we need to do?
Not sure what anyone can reply to me, but I really wanted to take the leap and move on over. I've made so many friends over in infidelity, too, and I tend to stay where I'm most comfortable.
Wow ! I get a drink! Make it a cosmo with some of that fancy vodka. Any one will do.
Have you talked to him about going to a Retrouvaille weekend? I was at the local one on Friday night, greeting the couples as they came in. And I was so excited for all of them. They didn't know what was in store for them, but I couldn't stop smiling and being happy for them. Because they had made it to a place where they could really do the work to heal their marriages. And, you should see the beautiful new resort facility they have to do it in in Tampa! I was so jealous. I wanted to stay all weekend. My recommendation -- book a Retrouvaille weekend in Tampa at the Bethany Center, or just do it locally where you are. You are almost all the way to where you want to go. You just need some experienced couples to show you the rest of the way.
Joie, How's the sexual R now with your H? How's the friendship? Are you happy? Do you have activities and connections in your life that promote happiness?
What problems remain in your M? Are there any chronic stressors--illnesses, debt, etc.? Are the repercussions from the accident creating distance and negative feelings in the M?
How's your H doing?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, Answers to your questions: 1 - Sexual R with my H is very healthy now
2 - Friendship also healthy. We always could make each other laugh. We enjoy spending time together, even if it's just chilling in front of the tube.
3 - Am I happy? Mostly, yes. I say mostly because this entire legal sitch is going to take awhile to be over and we don't know how it's going to end. That adds a degree of stress and worry.
4 - Do I have activities and connections in my life that promote happiness? Yes, I believe I do. Am very close to my family; have a fantastic D14; leader of a GS troop; do well at my job; regular exercise (but need to do more).
5 - What problems remain: the legal sitch; I'd like to find more to do with my H (i.e. more dates); affair proofing our M (yes, Sara, I've seriously considered Retrovaille) and something I didn't mention before, my H's drinking problem (realize that I should also list that under #6 for me).
6 - Chronic stressors? Well, the legal sitch for one! Not too much debt. Overall, we're a pretty stable family.
7 - As far as repercussions from the accident causing distance and negative feelings in the M ... perhaps somewhat, but I wouldn't call them red flags. For months I just couldn't believe the mess he got himself (and us) into. But since it's been so long, I've come to the realization that what happened, happened. Can't change it, just have to deal with it and get on with life. I'm a very forgiving person, too.
8 - How is H doing? Overall, he seems to have handled everything very well. He's facing some serious stuff, but yet has not let it get him down. That said, he has his down days, but overall, he is a happier person. I think it's mostly because we have connected with each other again. We were both unhappy for a long time.
Sara, Too early for drinks tonight, and I have Scout meeting tonight! Never had any of that flavored vodka!
Yes, I have and am seriously considering Retrouvaille (as I said above). But am thinking that until we have a clue what will happen in the legal sitch, that I'll hold off. I have not mentioned it to H at all. I have no idea what his reaction will be.
I don't understand why you would hold off from accomplishing your goal. If you and your H rebuild your relationship that would help you face the legal situation together. You would be so much stronger as a couple.
Can't promise a hot tub, but perhaps the one near you has one. My husband and I amused ourselves at Retrouvaille with thoughts of the couples all switching partners. Adding a hot tub could make that really dicey. But then we have a warped sense of humor. Sorry for that thought.
