Changing myself for myself

[Virtually_Handsome]

And you know, it is already obvious that his "new" relationship will fail. She was already "cheating" on him, and he gives an ultimatum. Great basis for a long term relationship!

[Firekeeper]

Jack,

thank you for your prayers, i feel it)

[Firekeeper]

Bill,

i am rereading your words so they would sink in and help me to get through today. thank you for your caring)

[MichelleLT]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Bill is right, this is not unusual. Their R will burn out in a few months or whatever. He will have lots of regrets.

Take care of yourself, do what you need to do.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

If he has regrets, you will be that much more attractive for not holding them over his head.

[Firekeeper]

Michelle, my fear is that their relationship will not burn out for a long-long time. both of them are very intelligent highly educated people with financial opportunities and same interests career wise. due to their both frequent travel they will have perpetual honey moon with opportunity to meet in exotic places and no everyday life hitting you and making it real.

[MichelleLT]

Yes, and my H's OW is/was mostly long-distance and every time they saw each other was a weekend or week in bed honeymoon in theory. And yet....9 months later...he's saying he broke up with her.

First, they can't be that intelligent to be having a torrid affair. Second, they may be book smart but they both lack some common sense obviously. Third, they sound TOO much alike and that alone will drive them apart.

Finally, you are only putting yourself down by comparing yourself to her. They are completely different categories. OW are never the wonderful people we imagine them to be because wonderful people do not knowingly have affairs!

You are so much better than her, and even if he tries to tell you different, don't believe him. You are right, they are in the honeymoon period probably, but reality will nevertheless set in - it may take longer, but that'll only make it all the more brutal when it does!

And a big ditto to Jack - do not make his path back to you harder by trying to make him feel guilty or shamed. He will feel that all on his own - he probably does now even though he won't openly admit to it. It is the party line - she is a better match for me and I'm never coming back - and yet it rarely is true in the long run.

She is an addiction. She is a symptom of his own issues and the problems in the M. She is a quick fix, a distraction. Nothing more. The effectiveness of getting the high off seeing her will diminish and then he will have to face what he has done.

[Firekeeper]

Michelle,

you words are so uplifting))))))))))) thank you))))))

h asked for couple minutes to talk to me this morning. he started saying that he and ow decided to take their r slowly that they will meet for couple days and then he will not see her much after that for couple week - i interrupted him to say that i do not need to know the details. he later continued that her agreement was somewhat unexpected by him and he now doubt if he wanted her "yes" because he wanted to know that he is being wanted or... i interrupted him again and said that now he has a ow to listen to his wanderings, not me.

those talks usually would end up the same: that he need to try to build his life w/ her and unless he does it he would not know if it is a right r for him or not. he would say about how hard it is for him to loose me and how much he connected to me, etc. but the resolution always was the same - he can't built any r w/ me unless he proved for himself that his r w/ow is not working out.

i did tell him re addiction theory and he agreed that all symptoms are there and he read a little from the book about affairs and it matches as well, but he said that he can't stop, he has to do what he has to do.

it's been a year i do not know how much more strength i have

[Purr]

Hi Firekeeper,

This is a tough situation, and I know how draining it can feel. You are wondering how much longer to go with things, what will happen next...so many questions but not so many answers that are clear cut. Maybe think a little about you right now in terms of what you need to fill your own energy banks...any GAL activities this weekend for yourself?

Thinking of you,

Purr

[MichelleLT]

i did tell him re addiction theory and he agreed that all symptoms are there and he read a little from the book about affairs and it matches as well, but he said that he can't stop, he has to do what he has to do.

And this is precisely why it's an addiction. Unfortunately, logically telling him that won't get you anywhere. He does have to see it for himself.

It is up to you how much time you give him.

Read the last-resort technique (LRT) and the beyond-the-LRT in DB or DR. Right now, he is coasting, he has time to make his decisions because you are giving it to him. You do have a lot of control over where the stitch goes, but mostly in the D direction. If you want things to work, patience is the first, and hardest, lesson.

(((Firekeeper)))