hi everyone! I'm, um, sally, and I'm getting a divorce.
okay, okay, so you all have known that for a while. just had my head stuck in the sand for long enough and have finally come to accept it (well, mostly).
its been a looong time since I've been around. mostly busy, partly just needing a break. I needed to stop thinking about all of the db/divorce stuff for a while. but now that the wheels are turning again, I feel the need to come back here. not to mention I missed you all.
Have had some ups and downs. Mostly have been okay. A week ago h and I had our first big discussion in a long time. started with some e-mails about introducing the kids to ow. (um, dude, 2 months ago you were putting feelers out about possibly reconciling. but yeah, it was head stuck in sand time that I actually believed him).
he came by that night and we ended up having a good talk. I still believe my keep-it-to-email rule is the best form of communication for us (and he has agreed to adhere to it in the future), but I'm proud of myself. I can see the payoff in a year's worth of therapy...I rocked. lol.
bottom line, he can't see us reconciling. he isn't so sure about ow anymore, but he is so scared of being alone, and she is a guarantee (I can't guarantee us reconciling, only me putting my best effort in), so he's going to stay with her. sad, that. but he also said that still being married to me is likely clouding his relationship with her.
doesn't matter if it is or isn't, all that matters is he is choosing to pursue his relationship with her. his choice. my choice is to look out for my kids. I told him I need 3 things in order for me to be comfortable with him bringing ow and her son around our children:
1) we need to have the divorce papers completed and filed. not asking for the divorce to be final at this point, but I think that needs to be at minimal done.
2) our eldest starts therapy and has at least 4 sessions before the kids meet ow/her son. I am concerned about the younger ones, too, but more-so S6, since ow has a son the same age. I have a real fear he will feel usurped in his daddy's life. I am not ruling out therapy for the twins, so we'll see how that goes.
3) I want us to have a session of parenting coaching about how this will look like. h and I rock the co-parenting for the most part, but this, well, this is a horse of a different color.
My biggest goal here isn't to hold him back. I'm done with that. I just want my kids impacted the least. and this felt right to me.
He initially agreed on all but the 1st...that was the reason for the big discussion last weekend. but like I said, I really did well in the conversation (damn, wish i had it on tape for posterities sake) and by the end he understood what I was saying.
funny, btw, because even though this isn't what I want, I came out of the talk feeling sooo much better. I guess just having all the head games gone, having the cards on the table, was good for me. he, on the other hand, was more upset about it. I guess the lying/deceiving/game playing feels more natural to him. the open/honest stuff, not so much anymore. makes him uncomfortable. for me, though, it was a breath of fresh air.
so right now we are trying to find a mediator and get the ball rolling. he still needs to make the call and set it all up, but I'm happy to find some recommendations. if i can, will send them right out to him so we can hopefully find one we both agree on/feel comfortable with.
man this bites. wish I could just blink or twitch my nose and have it all behind me. its just so much freaking work, isn't it? and so hard when it isn't what you want. its like the opposite of wedding planning...there is sooo much work planning a wedding, but its all fun (well, I thought so). and there were cake tastings! I suppose with divorce planning its more about tequila tastings.
I accept the divorce now (see, watch sally say it over and over so she actually believes herself, lol). and I'm doing okay. breathing in and out, letting that river flow, knowing it will be a tough row to hoe but knowing that I will be okay.
next order of business? learning to type stbx instead of h.
Last edited by SallyM; 04/13/0801:27 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
" I accept the divorce ", " I'm doing okay ", " tough row to hoe " says to me that you have determination and strength. We can't all be Samantha Stevens. I'm in the exact same place. Choose to live in denial or make the best of my life as it is today, I choose best of.
Sally, I was taking a break, too, and wondered where you were when I came back this week. Weird, isn't it, our uncanny timing?
Sorry that the possibility of reconciling seemed to shrivel up on you--I was so hopeful with you, and impressed in how you handled that. I have never even gotten that consideration, although I will count myself lucky in that, since I don't think I would have survived it not working out. I still struggle with the detachment thing, but at least I stopped calling him.
I have only recently, and I mean recently, been able to say out loud that I will be divorced. It will probably be over by the end of the month, actually. And I am just sad about it, but not devestated. You and I are both going to end up ok, even if in a very different place than what we thought.
I hope that the mediation works out for you--it is a lot less expensive that indiv Ls.
I was thinking about taking a trip up to Boston this week (spring break) to get to the aquarium, etc., with the kids for a day trip--let me know if you'd like to get together.
THough I don't think I've posted to you before, I have followed your thread for months now... sounds like the time away was good, but that it's also a good time to be back.
I've actually been thinking about a portion of one of your threads from a few months ago...I remember you writing a while back about having snooped on H's phone and finding explicit texts, your reaction to that and wondering why you did it. Some people talked about the idea of that knowledge moving you forward toward being done...more able to 'drop the rope'.
I feel as if I am doing the same thing after a week ago tonight reading a bunch of recent emails between my H and his long-term (I now know) OW... the feeling is alternately empowering and terrifying... any thoughts or reactions to that?
I hope you've found a good therapist for your son. I know that I will want to do the same for my Ss (12 and 18) in the near future...I think H will be moving out in the next couple of months, and feel certain there will be no turning back.
sad, tequila sans worm for you! yep, I agree, we have a choice to meet this with denial or to make the best of things. I choose the latter. in fact, the day after h's and my converstaion I finally made that list of what I want in my life, what is important to me. prior to this I had made similar lists, but they were never quite so clear. I'm really happy and feel really grounded about it, so now just have to figure out how to make the things on that list happen. no doubt about it, I will.
Hey donna! hope you are well. I know this is a really hard time, but sounds like you are keeping busy. I am starting to open up to people about the separation...time to take the deep breath and let it out. and yep, divorce is still a hard word to say...feel like I have marbles in my mouth. but it will come more naturally with time and practice. have a great time in boston! won't be around, am taking the kids down to VA for the week, but hopefully some other time.
L2, I think you nailed the reaction to your h's e-mails perfectly. that sums it up really well. for me, it does help drop the rope, although for me it also can be slightly paralyzing and can direct the focus to h/ow instead of on me. not snooping is the healthiest for me...but so is the honesty of h and my communication last week. that I need, I need those cards on the table. the problem is, for whatever reason, h isn't comfortable with cards on the table talks. he thinks he is sparing my feelings (his words) by keeping things like this from me. makes no sense to me, but that's his thing, and at least I understand him now.
I don't need the gory details of their R that snooping brings. trust me, I have had enough of that. all I need is the bottom line. I spent 2 months letting h back into my heart and mind because I gave him space/didn't talk about his flip-flopping. db'd like crazy, in fact. not that that is a bad thing to do, I think its a good thing. but also knowing now that his flip/flopping really doesn't mean anything, that he knows his path, even if he continues to doubt it, helps me to drop that rope.
make sense?
yep, have been looking for a therapist. hard to find, but I am determined because its something that will help in the long run.
good luck to you!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
'morning all. kind of a plugging along weekend for me. the kids are with me since h had a work function. he did come by yesterday for a while to spend time with them and I was able to go get my hair cut and my first pedicure of the season. I have sadly neglected myself all winter and I feel like I'm waking up again...such a good feeling!
the kids have been sick (stomach bug) and finally seem to be on the mend, but still want to make it a low-key day. think we'll go see nims island...looks cute.
not much else to tell. getting ready for our trip to VA (heading out friday or saturday for spring break)...should be fun, so much to do and looks (knock wood) like good weather.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
meant to add, I just placed an order for a divorce planner. any other tips for good divorce books? yes, we will have our atty/mediator, but I'm a ducks in a row kind of woman when it comes to this kind of stuff.
I also pre-ordered the book, Split, by Suzanne Finnamore. I was reading a review of it and the description hooked me.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I'll have a Bud Light Bottle and keep 'em coming. You are right, we don't get cake tastings, but there is chooclate available2 24/7, so I think we are good to go.
MWAH! Get those kids better and have a great trip. Make sure you 'tighten' up the house in case H pops in for a peek while you are gone. Leave a thong out or something...that's harmless fun...
meant to add, I just placed an order for a divorce planner. any other tips for good divorce books? yes, we will have our atty/mediator, but I'm a ducks in a row kind of woman when it comes to this kind of stuff.
I also pre-ordered the book, Split, by Suzanne Finnamore. I was reading a review of it and the description hooked me.
Sally, that book looks really good! I think I will get it too.
I know it is necessary to work out the logistics, to educate yourself on the D process, etc. For now, you are may need to focus on this and on your acceptance of D as either inevitable or almost so. However, I have found myself the most at peace when I don't ASSume I know how things will end up. Even now, when I want to end it, I still am happier when I just live my life and don't try to control things, one way or the other.
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
