Overview: Me 43 (artist) H: 44 (Art Historian/writer/scholar) 4 kids (S13, S9, S9, D9) Together since 1987 Married 1989 H Moved out 12/4/05 Divorced 12/12/07 Scuba pictures My family and me
I try not to make the same mistakes over and over and over. I try not to "go there" with my emotions but it turns out I have bought a house "there" and I go "there" and set up camp "there." Even though "there" is on a fault line and even though "there" is always flooding and even though "there" has high risk insurance, I just can't seem to help myself. I get carried away because I do want to love again...just not the wrong person.
Hoping. Desiring. Wishing. Longing.
Sigh...
I date, I don't conquer.
I kiss frogs, blech. Tired of it.
I tell myself it's a process and it is. But I suppose I need to just take a break from it all. It can be very demoralizing and strange.
Anyway, I had a great time in Chicago--met Barbiedoll who is wonderful and adorable. Then I went to KY for a museum opening and now Iam back home struggling with taxes and other things.
You are a hot momma with lucky kids. We hope you find what you are looking for. We find ouselves in places we do not want to be but will get through it.
Ribbit.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
I've heard so many good things about you. And it seems to me that maybe you can add simple humanity to the list. I think these recurring pitfalls are those parts of ouselves we keep having to face. I think that's what makes "surviving" the job it is.
I don't know about the "idiot" part, but you're definitely a savant in a lot of ways.
Originally Posted By: MotherMovingOn
I get carried away because I do want to love again...just not the wrong person.
Hoping. Desiring. Wishing. Longing.
Sigh...
I date, I don't conquer.
I kiss frogs, blech. Tired of it.
I tell myself it's a process and it is. But I suppose I need to just take a break from it all. It can be very demoralizing and strange.
Althea, you know how I feel about the whole dating thing. The way I see it, if you just get out and do stuff in your life (which you do), the man you want will turn up. I'm not a subscriber to the "you have to kiss a lot of frogs" theory. It might make sense when you're younger and you don't really know what you want, but at this point, I think we are old enough to know.
I meet men just...around...church, choir, book store, wine store...work . You are an outgoing person; they are really not that hard to meet! It doesn't mean you have to go on a date with every guy you smile at or chat with for 10 mins.
In terms of *ahem* me (MEMEMEMEMEME), I still think things could work out for Mr. Hottie and me, but it is actually not a great time for me, either. In fact, I am kind of glad he needs to work some things out for himself, b/c it made me realize that I do too. I am still struggling with valuing myself, still looking for others to validate me. I have really got to get that under control if I want to have a healthy R with anyone, and not always be second-guessing myself. I wonder if you are in the same situation.
We are all in this together, sweets, and where is you are is just A-OK!
Love, N
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
So, I have decided to review the past 2+ years in terms of the other men that have come and gone. I am doing this in an attempt to see where I went wrong, what mistakes I repeated, and also to try to analyze myself so that I can begin to make wiser choices. I also hope that if others are going through this, they will see that they are not alone.
Nic, you may be right about the frogs theory...I'm beginning to wonder.
Chain chain chain...
#1 Brazilian Boy: The only one in the chain who I did not meet on-line. He was a friend for many months and we had one lovely weekend of romance about 7 months after H left me. It was a beautiful thing and a total gift to me. He went back to Brazil and we remain friends to this day. Absolutely no regrets and he was a quality individual.
#2 Geeky ex of H's lawyer! First eharmony date at a coffee shop. He brought his 5 month old son along who barely stopped wailing the entire time. As he told me about the mother of the child, I deduced that she was my ex's lawyer--OY Vey!! Of all the gin joints...! No second date. I did hear from him again about a year later when he wrote to congratulate me on a local article he read about me.
#3 Engineer who went with me to a fantabulous summer party. 2nd eharmony date. We had a great time, there was some chemistry but he ended up breaking up with me a couple days later claiming "we were in different places with regard to our divorces/past relationships." It kind of hurt as I would have gone on a second date, but I bounced back quickly.
#4 Geeky dude who came to visit me and took me to dinner. He was nice (had the same name as my ex though) but had low self esteem which he couldn't hide and which was too distracting for me to get beyond. I ended up telling him that I didn't think we were a good match. NO second date.
#5 Flaky artist. VERY handsome, creative, groovy. Musician and artist. Extrovert. Married twice, no kids. I went to Chicago to meet him. We had a fun time in the city--went to the museum and lunch at The Russian Tea Room. We hit it off. We have kept in touch but he flaked on a visit here and it made me step back significantly from my attraction to him. I did see him when I was just in Chicago and we went to a movie together but neither of us "felt" anything and decided to just be friends (dang he's good looking though!).
#6 Car salesman. Knew as soon as I met him he was not for me but we had dinner anyway. I wrote him the following day to thank him and tell him I didn't think we were a good match. NO second date.
#7 Local guy I met on Match.com. I initiated contact. We had many things in common and he loved swimming. We went on several dates over a period of about a month. There were a lot of things that irritated me about him off the bat (kinda gross man stuff) plus I think he was still huring over ex wife. Then he laid the "hmmm...four kids, not really what I was bargaining for" and "I've been chatting with a married woman" bombs on me and I stopped contacting him--yuchy. He has sort of reached out a few times but my feelings for him were neutralized pretty fast after that and I have NO interest.
#8 Karate man: another eharmony guy that I initiated contact with. Married four times, 2 kids each with a different mother. I could tell he wasn't super smart, but he seemed smart enough. I liked that he was uber tall and had this ass kicker background--a heavy weight champ for many years. He also seemed sweet and I was attracted to him physically. We had two dates. There was definate chemistry but not much depth of emotion. He became sick (he has a serious illness) and after recent emails we have both deided it is best to step back and "just be friends."
#9 Craftsman: Eharmony again. He initiated conatct. Said his name was different from the one on his profile for "annonymity". But I found him to be intelligent and interesting. Never married, no kids. Scuba diver, pilot and a craftsman (cabinetmaker). He made a five hour drive to meet me when I was in Chicago. Barbiedoll met him and she thought he was very attractive. He was interesting and we were hitting it off until, at dinner, he revealed that he still lives with his ex (???) girlfriend of 12 years. I told him that was a deal breaker for me and told him why and he was disappointed. He continues to email me and tell me I am extraordinary, special, etc.
#10 Computer guy/musician: Went for a lunch date yesterday that has been planned for a while. Yet another eharmony person. He is nice but he sweated during lunch and it was freezing cold out. No sparks really but he asked if he could see me again. We'll see.
So...10 dates in 2 years. None of them have led anywhere, none of them were even close to my ideal man, but they have all taught me about myself and what I do and do NOT want.
I think I need a break from all of this. I want to meet someone and be friends with them and let things develop naturally. The whole on-line dating thing seems unnatural and forced. Expectations run high. I do have very high standards and am looking for someone really special so I don't know why I bother with all the "frogs." Part of my problem I think is that I am too polite and when I get asked on a date I go because I figure I'll give the guy a chance. But I almost always know in advance where things will lead and that is NOWHERE because they just aren't for me.
I have learned that I am attractive to men and that is something I doubted after I got dumped by my husband. Perhaps a lot of those dates were simply about being validated. So, now that I know this, I think I am ready to wait it out until the right guy comes along. He will have to be pretty special because I can't see giving up my freedom for something mediocre.
Anyway, thanks for letting me think out loud here...it's all part of the process (which is always changing and evolving--and sometimes devolving!).
I am still struggling with valuing myself, still looking for others to validate me. I have really got to get that under control if I want to have a healthy R with anyone, and not always be second-guessing myself. I wonder if you are in the same situation.
I just know that the right person comes at the right time. I had to learn to trust that. I believe it now more than ever before.
I think you are wonderful - as a person (can you say GIRLFRIEND??), a mom, an artist and a loving caring woman. Any guy who can't see that doesn't deserve you.
But I have noticed this with some of my friends (and had it said to me by others as well) - when we REALLY want someone - it shows all over us. Guys can sense it a mile away and I think it scares the heck out of them. And then, when people I've known or seen from this bb, stop dating - the right person seems to come out of the woodwork. And you just seem so much more attractive to them because you're not really looking. Does that make any sense to you?
I was at the cottage on the w/e. One of my longtime best friends from the bb (she lives in England) phoned me. She broke up with her BF of 2 years. And wasn't devestated. She had kind of forced their R from the start - it was all too soon for him. But they both tried to make something from nothing and although it was ok for a while - it was never really the right match. 2 years later - another breakup. Just meaning - hang on for the right one - don't accept just what comes along.
As for the sweating = well, dating can be totally nerve wracking. In the beginning - it REALLY was for me. I'd give him another chance if I were you.
So...10 dates in 2 years. None of them have led anywhere, none of them were even close to my ideal man, but they have all taught me about myself and what I do and do NOT want.
I have learned that I am attractive to men and that is something I doubted after I got dumped by my husband. Perhaps a lot of those dates were simply about being validated. So, now that I know this, I think I am ready to wait it out until the right guy comes along. He will have to be pretty special because I can't see giving up my freedom for something mediocre.
An incredible amount of wisdom packed into one post. This spoke volumes to me and is definitely something I needed to hear today.
. You are an outgoing person; they are really not that hard to meet! It doesn't mean you have to go on a date with every guy you smile at or chat with for 10 mins.