It is not the A that bothers me nearly as much as the fact that she thinks I owe her this lifestyle.
Some people just have a greater sense of entitlement.
For example, The X said that I needed to return some stuff that his parents had given to me as gifts b/c had we not gotten M - I would not have received those gifts. The X was German and received his green card by M me. I asked him if he was giving up his green card and returning to Germany b/c he received that by virtue of his M to me. He said no b/c he had "earned" the green card!
Anyway - the whole point is don't even try to figure out why W has a sense of entitlement - it is wasted brain energy. There is no rational foundation for it. It is just how her brain is wired. Someday you will look back and think of her behavior as silly - and it will no longer get to you.
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BTW, I did not say she is a good mother, just that she does love the kids and she IS there mother and they love her. This is subtly, but critically different.
W is the only mother your kids will ever have. My mother - well I had lots of issues with her and how she D my father. I had to work through all that and forgive my mother in order for me to be able to move on from my parent's D and my own D.
A year or two ago - I would have gone and on about everything that was wrong with my mother. Today at almost 43 - she did a lot of things wrong and she did a lot of very right things. All in all - she was not the demon that I use to think she was.
You will be the model that your kids will follow. If they can accept their mother as human - a person that made some mistakes. And while that mistake defines some aspects of her life - and that perhaps they will learn from those mistakes so they do not make them - those mistakes do not define W as a completely bad person. She is their mother and needs to retain her authority and position as their mother.
When you are given permission to be disrespectful of a parent as a consequence of judging thm - I think you grow up to be a more black/white and more judgemental person. That happened with me and my siblings. It is only after I have forgiven my mother and was able to see the positive things she had brought into my life - have I been able to relax and become a more tolerant person. I am not saying that is true for everyone - just my own personal experience with me.
AG, Thanks for the insight and perspective. I definitely agree with the part about teaching the kids to respect both of us. I don't let them get away with anything in this department, they immediately lose privledges if they show any lack of respect towards either me or their mom.
I know that she is off her rocker, I just am frustrated that it has to impact my kids and that I am left with few good options. One thing for sure, this has taught me patience like nothing I have ever experienced before.
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Journaling: W is off in TX again for a week "visiting her mom for mothers day". It is really laughable what she comes up with. This would normally be a welcome break for me, but she neglected to properly say goodbye to S7 before she left yesterday a.m. and has not called since then. S7 is very needy and has cried both nights over this fact. Sad to see how completely self-absorbed she is.
Otherwise, we are having a great time, took the kids for dinner out on Tues. since W had an event at the house. Karate yesterday and had a friend over for dinner and out for ice cream today.
I've also been working out pretty hard this week again, so tomorrow will be a complete rest day. Even going for left-overs for dinner!
Sat. will be an a.m. workout and then we will go for an adventure with some neighbors including a great afternoon concert at one of the local theme parks. One of the great perks of living in FL with kids! If nothing else, it will keep S7 occupied and not obsessing over his MIA mom.
Otherwise, just trying to figure out where to go from here. Between work and life, this seems to be difficult to fit in. Too bad there aren't any good lawyers or fin. advisers open til midnight! Mostly just wishing W would disappear for good! I guess I need a plan B!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I think the only expectation you can have is to expect the worse from her behavior. Yes, she is self-absorbed, selfish, short-sigthed, etc. and that is par for the course. Watch the expectations though, they create dissapointment, anger and resentment. If you are going to continue in limbo-land for the foreseable future, those negative emotions are not good.
Having said all that, it is sad to hear S7 so hurt. Tragically, you can expect a great deal more of that.
Your GAL is great. It is great for the kids as well. You are doing the best you can under an extremely bad situation. There are those who say that adversity does not build character, but reveals the lack thereof. You sir, have an abundance.
Best, --Chris
Me: 40 She: 31 S: 5 D: 3 Married: 8 years (05 DEC 99) Blow-up: 02 JUN 07 Piecing (More like Ostriching): 22 FEB 08
I have to first get up some energy to deal with the sitch and right now, I just don't have it.
I am not sure you ever get the energy to deal with a D. It is one of those things where you don't start to feel better and energized again till it is behind you.
Perhaps you should set baby step goals - maybe one a week - like setting up the 529 account. Doing something - anything is better than doing nothing... It is only way out of paralysis...
I agree with AG, maybe some baby steps might help. that's what usually works for me, even if each step is hard as hell and I have to force myself thru them.
does sound like you had a good weekend, though! not sure I could deal with the heat in the summer, but I know I envy my friend often who lives down there. so much to do, so much at your fingertips!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Hi ladies! Yes, I know AG is right, but it is so much more rewarding to work on things which I can directly control and which I have a chance at real sucess.
Actually, I feel like AG right now...totally overcommitted at work. All in one week, I have 5 candidates I have to interview, put together a customer preso and have my counterpart from Europe in town to strategize and, of course, socialize. Ugh! Somewhere in there is my regular job as well. Oh and did I mention that my cell phone died as well. At least I have a great team to support me that can do all of the day to day stuff without me.
Nevertheless, I will get back in touch with the L and get an updated Will and a Trust in place (first 2 baby steps - BS1 and BS2). I think Donna is also right that a financial planner might be useful in terms of knowing what I can do for the kids without having it be an issue in the D. I guess that will be BS3.
Well, W will return tomorrow. She only talked to the kids once in the week she was gone. I am feeling so sad for them, esp. when I see the great moms that surround us in the neighborhood who are so invested in their kids, supporting them in different activities, just being there for them. I somehow feel responsible for this even though I know that there is no way that makes sense.
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Just dropping by to check on you...too tired to have much to say, but I can certainly understand your feeling respons. for your kids sadness...it makes lots of sense, even though you're not the one causing it.
BUt I also really like the BSs you're planning to take...bound to make you feel a little more in control of things for those sweet kids...
am so sorry your w hasn't talked to the kids. that is so sad, sd. really sad. they are lucky to have you as a dad. but I can also see that you are probably feeling pretty overwhelmed with things right now...work, kids, etc, etc.
so hard when you can't control what the other one is doing, especially when it affects the kids. that part is the hardest, isn't it? we don't want to see our kids hurting.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
