I wonder if things would have worked out differently for me if I could have stayed cool, like you did. But then, read your sitch, and realize that this is so much about them and so little to do with us.
Donna, First nice to hear from you and to see that you are gaining perspective on the sitch and strength in yourself.
The second part is the key to it all. Once you realize that your S's MLC is not about you, but about them, the rest gets much easier. In my case, unfortunately, I have come to the conclusion that I do not want to be married to my W, regardless of what she does. Not sure if I really want to be married at all. I will say that the staying cool is a lot easier when you are just trying to find a peaceful end to the whole thing and not trying to somehow save an unsalvageable M.
Originally Posted By: Bethie Queen of Everything
Sorry to hear about your FIL. What you did for your children was priceless. This was a gift that they will take with them and remember always. Besides that, just your being there brought them a sense of security in all of this that they may not have had if they had to go through this without you. You did great!
Bethie, I have to say that I was really torn at first. I was not sure if me being at the funeral would be a distraction or a good thing. I actually called my mom the night before FIL died and asked her what she thought. She basically said that a gesture of kindness in such a time whould be graciously accepted and appreciated. But that I am a grown man and have to make my own decisions. This completely put it all into perspective.
My MIL was so glad that I came and brought the kids that now any other decision seems to have been inconceivable. During the funeral, S7 sat next to MIL and comforted her with hugs whenever she broke down. It was amazing. I am so glad I chose the "Path with Heart"!
Originally Posted By: PhD_ChrisD
Man, I do not envy your position. Loosing a father can have some very strange rammifications on women. She is no longer Daddy's little girl and that can manifest itself in some crazy ways. Hope for the best here, mon capitan, but lash yourself to the helm anyway! Could be a week, could be a month or two, but given your W's already precarious mental state, I would not want to be at ground zero.
Hi Chris! Not sure how I would tell the difference to be honest, she is already unable to deal with reality. Maybe OM can help her sort it out? She knows where to find me if she needs me, but in the end she has to figure out her own life for herself.
Originally Posted By: PhD_ChrisD
I do know the relationship dynamics between my W and her father had a lot to do with her delamination. She had a lot of baggage from that and I was the unfortuante recipient of much of the fall-out.
I have thought about this in the past, but don't really know. They may have some skeletons in the closet, but W has never said anything significant to me.
Originally Posted By: AG II
I am sorry to hear about FIL. That is great that you have detached from your situation to where you can be there for your kids and W's family.
Thanks AG. Like I said to Bethie, it was a good thing that I am glad I did.
And to all a good night!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
My parents are D. There was a lot of animosity for a number of years that spilled into other parts of my and my siblings lives.
They have finally realized that they had to get over it for us. Last year my mother was very ill and in the hospital where we didn't know if she would live or die. My father was a rock and checked on us and always asked about our mother every day. He had detached completely - his concern was genuine. It was such a relief to be free to worry about my mother's health w/o the added burden of the dynamics between my parents.
Just another late night for me...waiting for S18 to get home from a late catering job. Popping in to say hi... feeling like I'm maybe turning a corner in the last week; maybe starting to 'drop the rope' more, and adopting some of your more detached outlook. I hope so... Have to go back to your last thread and write down the names of some of those great-sounding restaurants for our Houston trip!!
SD, sorry to hear about your FIL. Glad you made the right choice regarding it, I'm sure it was a hard one to make, but so glad you feel right about it. I agree, what you did for your kids was priceless.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Journaling: Had a really good weekend, but today I was totally wiped out and had a million things to do around the house, shopping, etc., so it was kind of anti-climatic.
Fri evening, we had a neighbor over for a sleep over with the boys. We made pizzas and they stayed up way too late. Sat. was busy from dawn to (too late) past dusk. All good fun!
I went to a get together to organize a charity swimming relay. This will be the second year. They swim 100km continuously, day and night. Took 44 hours last year! Even crazier, it is organized by a marathon swimmer who went for 83km in 30 hours without stopping. Should be a ton of fun!!
I guesss we'll see if there is another shoe about to drop when W returns from TX tomorrow. Kids and I will pick her up at the airport. I offered and she accepted, so that sounds peaceful enough. Ya just never know what to expect.
To be honest, I haven't had much time to think about the sitch given that I have 2 weeks to my big race and am working out the details for my workouts/eating leading up to the race. I am getting pretty excited about the whole thing.
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Journaling: Had a really good weekend, but today I was totally wiped out and had a million things to do around the house, shopping, etc., so it was kind of anti-climatic.
Fri evening, we had a neighbor over for a sleep over with the boys. We made pizzas and they stayed up way too late. Sat. was busy from dawn to (too late) past dusk. All good fun!
I went to a get together to organize a charity swimming relay. This will be the second year. They swim 100km continuously, day and night. Took 44 hours last year! Even crazier, it is organized by a marathon swimmer who went for 83km in 30 hours without stopping. Should be a ton of fun!!
I guesss we'll see if there is another shoe about to drop when W returns from TX tomorrow. Kids and I will pick her up at the airport. I offered and she accepted, so that sounds peaceful enough. Ya just never know what to expect.
To be honest, I haven't had much time to think about the sitch given that I have 2 weeks to my big race and am working out the details for my workouts/eating leading up to the race. I am getting pretty excited about the whole thing.
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Journaling: Well, no bombs, mini or otherwise since W returned home. She just is asking for me to pay for a few things from her trip, mostly funeral related. However, she is asking for me to pay for 1/2 of her rental car costs. (By asking I mean she writes it down on a piece of paper and expects me to leave her money.) She also has been going shopping for kids clothes recently and asking to be reimbursed for this. It is not the costs that bother me, but rather the fact that she never discusses in advance, just does it and then writes it on a list.
I am thinking about bringing this up and saying that in the future, I will not pay for things that she does not discuss with me in advance. Otherwise, she can pay for it from her earnings. (about 5% of mine since she only works part time and does not get paid so much per hour)
A good DB'er would ask oneself at this point..."will this bring me closer to my goals?" My goals vis a vis my W are to get out of this R as amicably as possible and while minimizing the impact on the kids, so that does not seem to help. I guess I need to refocus on some other, shorter term goals, like maybe...
...free my mind of all thoughts related to W.
or
...build a completely independent life from W.
or
????????????????
Quite a ramble this, but need to vent somewhere!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I think it is time to set that boundary - that you will only pay for things that she discusses with you in advance.
The key is asking for what you want in a constructive and assertive manner. Not going on the offensive or going on the defensive. You are not being unreasonable in your request.
You cannot "not" set a boundary b/c you are apprehensive about the other person's reaction. It is natural for the other person to not be happy when they are the one giving up something. That is true even if the other person is not W.
The goal is perhaps to maintain a constructive dialog in the face of her reaction.
Quote:
A good DB'er would ask oneself at this point..."will this bring me closer to my goals?" My goals vis a vis my W are to get out of this R as amicably as possible and while minimizing the impact on the kids, so that does not seem to help.
Perhaps it would be a good lesson for the kids to see how to constructively set boundaries.
Besides you are not refusing to pay for the kids things - you would just like to discuss the finances in advance. And really - you just want to filter out expenses like the rental car - right?
Detachment is NOT a mechanism to avoid setting boundaries. Detachment is a mechanism for setting boundaries in a constructive manner.
As for getting out of the R - unfortunately W will probabaly react. She has a pretty good set up right now... She will see a decrease in her standard of living... All you can do is control your action. W's reaction is not within your control.
And well the kids - and I really am asking - I don't know the answer. Do you think it is better for them to live in R limboland or is it better to end the R, move on and provide then with stability. Right now your kids probably already know that all is not well between you and W - do you think that they are waiting for you to get a D?
You cannot "not" set a boundary b/c you are apprehensive about the other person's reaction. It is natural for the other person to not be happy when they are the one giving up something. That is true even if the other person is not W.
You are right that I should be able to set boundaries without it being stressful, but I really just don't want to deal with her at all. Most of the time it is worth it to just give her some cash so she goes away. Really, this was the problem with our R from nearly the beginning. I essentially let her control me from the onset and was unable to set boundaries.
Quote:
Right now your kids probably already know that all is not well between you and W - do you think that they are waiting for you to get a D?
They know that mom and dad don't sleep in the same room or do anything together. They are boys, so they don't ask a lot of questions, we have never really fought, and the few heated discussions that we had did not occur where they could see or hear (I made sure of this.) Therefore, it has very little negative impact on them.
This is one reason I am hesitant to try to control the sitch at all, just live my life and assume that she will eventually wake up enough to be able to build an independent life for herself. Things could be MUCH worse for the kids and for me, if W decided that HER goal was to somehow punish me via the kids. I think that this may be her backup plan if I try to push her for a D.
Like I said, I am happier when I just completely ignore her and live my life for me and my kids.
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I essentially let her control me from the onset and was unable to set boundaries.
Is W still controlling you using your fear of upsetting your kids as a means for getting her way and crossing your boundaries?
Quote:
This is one reason I am hesitant to try to control the sitch at all, just live my life and assume that she will eventually wake up enough to be able to build an independent life for herself. Things could be MUCH worse for the kids and for me, if W decided that HER goal was to somehow punish me via the kids. I think that this may be her backup plan if I try to push her for a D.
I read some of your old posts. There doesn't seem to be any indication that W is motivated to build an independent life. It almost sounds like she has gotten comfortable with the current set up...
What if she never files for a D? Do you have any thoughts on a Plan B?
Even crazier, it is organized by a marathon swimmer who went for 83km in 30 hours without stopping. Should be a ton of fun!!