For the guys with kids and a WAW

[hopeful4her]

Quick rundown of my sitch.
Married for 13 years. Together for 14. Six and ten year old daughters. She has a 14 year old son, who I have been with since he was 6 months old, so I consider him my son. Agreed to bring in her troubled nephew at the age of 15(he is now 17). I am now 43 and she is 33. She has a lot of baggage from her past, but I have always accepted her as she is. Great life up intil 2 years ago. She gets a great job at a interim construction loan company. Works with the CFO of the company and another girl whom I have know for years. The girl is single mom with no morals and always looking for who is next. Terrible mother and selfish. She takes wife in as a girlfriend to go out with and also shows her the internet and Myspace. Wife was a Christian who listened to Christian music most of the time and didn't really like my rock music. All of the sudden she is dressing like the girl, (tank tops and tight jeans for the most part). Listening to rock music all the time and wanting more girls night out. After 6 months of working there, I confront her about how her Myspace looks and she tells me I'm just insecure, but soon after she no longer wants to be married. I beg, plead and become involved in church and become saved. November 2006, she tells me she will give us a try. Things move along very well, but just after Christmas, I discover strange texts to and from a client at her work whom I had met. I love your lips, can't stop thinking of you, blah, blah. I confront her and she says she gave him a Christmas kiss and the rest is just playing around. She swears nothing going on. I go on. January 2007, I have heart issues and after all testing, find out its not life threating. Things move along great until July. She loses her job. Cannot find a job and gets unemployment checks for a month and half. Does not take a job offer and loses her benefits. Cars breaking down, finances going to s**t, A/C in house breaking down, living on credit and help of family, she has to repay $1,000. of the unemployment benefits. I ask why we are being punished, she says its her fault as she is not in the marriage like she is supposed to be. I find a phone number on cell phone bill with several calls a day, sometimes for at least 30 minutes, all starting after I leave in the morning. I confront, she gives the he's just a friend spiel. Forward to November. Separation talks, but we are still great friends, but she has now made up her mind to leave with the kids, but still cannot get a job. We argue about who is going to keep the kids.

Mid November she has a TIA or a very mild stroke. Hospitalized for a week then tranfered to a rehab for a month. I'm there seeminly day and night attending to her. I find out he has visited her. I confront. She now admits he is more than just a friend, but still only that. Get her home just before Christmas. She fully recovers by end of January and finally finds a job.

We still attend church faithfully every Sunday. She hold my hand sometimes in church, we hug, she breaks down, but every R talk we have ends up the same. She wants out, she is getting her ducks in a row and she is not leaving me for another man and she is not leaving without the girls. My son knows that she wants to leave, but not why. He has stated to her and us that if she does, he is going to go live with his biological father and that he felt that the girls should stay with me. My nephew has also stated that the girls should stay with me. This has devasted her, but not detered her.

Forward to recent. Another arguement. I tell her if she divorces me, she will lose everything, meaning the kids. I don't want to but I have to protect myself and my kids from her destructive ways. She freaks and calls the OM and tells him not to call her anymore and is not going to call him. She tells him she is telling him this in front of me. He's begging and pleading and asking why. She says "I don't want to lose my kids" and turns off the phone. That was Monday a week ago. She has been on the sofa since. I know they still call each other and have lunch. Last Sunday was the same as others. Praying and crying together, hugging each other and holding hands and a great rest of the day as a family. I decided to go a shade of dark this week. Also have been GALing and taking care of myself for a while and being the best Dad that I can be. We both have a great relationship with our kids and are the best parents that we can be. Part of our problem is that we both put the kids ahead of us.

This morning, she can't stand the darkness from me and mentions it. I inform her that we cannot be friends as long as she is with someone else. She says she will leave after the school year with the girls, as she know our son has already made up his mind to leave. She admits to cheating. I ask her how she thinks God views her. She says she will deal with God and he wiWe go back and forth and ask and I tell again tell her that this is not what I want. I love her still and want a chance at us, but she says there is nothing left in the marriage. I know she still loves me, she just cant bring her self to admit it. The old ILYBINILWY. She see's me as a brother. Whatever.

My question to the guys in a similar position. What about the kids? I know that I have friends and family that will back me up on fighting for custody of my girls. Even her own son and nephew. I know in my heart it is in the best interest of our kids that they stay at home with me. What are the odds? Who else is in the same boat? She admits her selfishness. So far the people that know me (and even some that don't) say I need to get the kids. I live in a continual state of confusion. Like some of the others on the site that would call ourselves dummies, still love our WAW, but have had it. Is it selfishness on my part to want to do this? I don't feel like I am just doing it to hurt her, but maybe she will finally get to that low place and finally get it. I want to know that I am doing the right thing.

Help

Roger

[kolle]

Hi hope
My sitch is almost identical to yours. I believe that WAW has no right to take my family away from me. She wants out. She is breaking her vows. She is the one sinning. Why should I be punished? I LOVE MY KIDS AND SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO TAKE THEM AWAY FROM ME!

BUT the fact is, if you want any hope of reconciliation you should probably not fight for the kids.

I desperately want to reconcile but I don't want to be walked over and I don't want to lose my kids.

What should I do?

NFC!

[hopeful4her]

I understand your pain. I also feel like she does not have the right to disrupt all of our lives. I had been feeling like maybe the kids are better off with the mom. Not for any other reason than maybe her bond is a little closer. WAW has always been a great mom, maybe to a fault. More like she wants to be a friend, especially to the 14 year old and her nephew. I have always had to be the one to say no to them. They know to always go to her for something they want. I always have to be the strong one. I have been thinking of maybe a 50/50 split, but don't know. Is my reconciliation chance more important than what I feel is the best for my kids. Again, I feel the pain, but I will not be walked all over any more. She can't have things both ways. I know she loves our family life together, but also wants what is on the other side. We get along so great, but she has become two people. I have withdrawn, pursued, chased, begged, withdrawn again and now have gone to a place that is where I have to take care of myself and not be trying to cater to her. The kids are the important thing.

[hopeful4her]

I know that it appears as though I am only looking for the guys to reply, but I would like for anyone to give input.
Thanks

Roger

[kolle]

My WAW is also a very good mother.
But are you a less good father? I don't think I am.
At the moment she is the primary caretaker, but she will have to find a 9-5 job anyway when we D, so the kids will go to daycare anyway.

She knows I want to reconcile, and she's been using it to manipulate me: "If you really loved me you wouldn't fight about the alimony, you would give me enough." etc etc. I know it does not make sense, but what makes sense in a WAW's fairy world anyway?

Should I allow her to take me to the cleaners because I love her?

[Steel_Box]

My question to the guys in a similar position. What about the kids? I know that I have friends and family that will back me up on fighting for custody of my girls. Even her own son and nephew. I know in my heart it is in the best interest of our kids that they stay at home with me. What are the odds? Who else is in the same boat? She admits her selfishness. So far the people that know me (and even some that don't) say I need to get the kids. I live in a continual state of confusion. Like some of the others on the site that would call ourselves dummies, still love our WAW, but have had it. Is it selfishness on my part to want to do this? I don't feel like I am just doing it to hurt her, but maybe she will finally get to that low place and finally get it. I want to know that I am doing the right thing.

Help

Roger

Roger,
All other things aside you need to fight for whats best for your kids. That is something that is non-negotiable. What is best for them can be defined alot of ways, and you are the only one that can decide that here. As far as the odds, that depends on alot of factors. Some may be out of your direct control such as the state you live in, but many others are directly related to how you handle things. It is always possible.

My sitch was similar, in that my W was in a full fledged PA, denying it, (in my opinion) failing to be a good Mom, wanted out, ILYBINILWY, Etc. For my own reasons, alot having to do with a fear that she was going to try to move away with my kids I filed for D. I know that is unconventional as far as DBing goes, but it was before I found out about the site or the book, and like I said I had my reasons. I was able to get primary domiciliary parent with us sharing joint physical custody. So it is possible for you to get what you want.

On the better side of the story, after going through all this. My W came to me after moving out and asked if I would let her come home. We are now together in the same house and things are going very well. We have a much better relationship now, and are much better at communicating our needs to each other. We are still working on things and will probably always be. But I've found out that that's the point- if you're not working on your marriage then you are standing by watching it deteriorate.

The long and short of it is this. Don't give up! I didn't get to this point easily, I was on this board quite a bit for support and advice. I gave my W space & I DB'd my A$$ off. It will taking an amazing amount of strength on your part, but in the end it WILL be worth it. As I'm sure you've already been told on here, whether you make it through this with or without her, you have to do it for you and more importantly your kids.

I still think that finding ways to DB and repairing your M is the best solution, but if you have to fight, then be a warrior. Just rememeber that a warrior is someone who fights with honor, dignity, and for the right reasons.

[hopeful4her]

I understand your point Steel. I live in Texas and I am just now trying to research D's. I do want to reconcile and continue to find strength in friends. I have been DBing, even when I didn't know about DBing, even though I did make some mistakes. When I went the shade of dark this week, I could feel her responding, strangely enough, and then she pushed buttons on Friday morning because she couln't stand the silence. I fell right in. I get counsel from different people, but so far the majority are in favor of me fighting for the girls, if I have to.
I spent some time at my MIL house after I got off work last night. She said that she had spoken to the wife early this morning after I left the house. I figured she was going to break down after I left. MIL only know what WW tells her and so I went ahead and filled her in. I told her that I know that WW is her daughter and wants to support her decision, but that she needed to know the truth as to why she really wants to leave. She says she understood. I told she needed to help reach out to her and help counsel. The only people my WW really speaks to are the OM and my ex SIL who did the same thing to my brother. I told MIL what do you think they are telling her.
I love this woman and want a chance to reconcile and save our R, but I have reached a point. If she won't give up OM then I need to do what I can to protect my family. I just hate the thought of it.

[hopeful4her]

By the way, is that what they call 50/50 split?

[hopeful4her]

Just an update if you happen to be following. Doesn't really matter because it feels good to be journaling anyway.
Yesterday, WW worked regular hours on Saturday, 8:30 to 5:30. Working Saturdays, she get to have a full day off the next week, on the following Wednesday. I hate that Wednesdays. Anyway, she left telling the girls good bye. It was her ex's weekend for our son and nephew spent the night at a friends house. No goodbye for me. I figured as much. Spent most of the day indoors as my D10 allergies are killing her especially with all the oak trees budding. Movies, and just playing around on the bed. Tickle fights. The good stuff. WW always thinks that if we don't go anywhere, then must have been boring. She always has to be somewhere. We got ready to go skating. I told WW before she left that that was my plan for later in the day, probably around the time she gets off so if wanted to join, fine. She said she will call me when she got off. I go to Academy to find my self a pair of rollerblades to join the kids and to use for trying to get in better shape everyday. I also take an extra pair of jeans and socks for WW just in case. I know I'm still catering to her. I can't help it. She calls around 5:30, I tell her were still at the store and getting ready to leave. I ask if she wants to join us and she says she is wearing a skirt. Like she couldn't just go to watch? I tell her I brought her jeans and socks and she she says she wants to join us and will meet us there. She gets to the skating rink about 30 minutes after us and we have a good time. Roller blade suck. I can still skate but on 4 wheels. The roller blades are going back. WW tried D10 roller blades and discovers the same thing. We have a laugh and rent regular skates. Dinner afterward at Chili's. I am being very playfull with the girls, esp D10. then during dinner, D6 is hovering on me and we are laughing and having a good time. I can see it in WW face that something is going on and I see her wiping her eyes. I ignore it and as we are eating she tells me a story of something that happened at work and we all laugh and we, again, are having a good time. We leave and she takes me back to the rink to pick my car, and D10 says she wants to go with me. I'm sure WW found that really strange, because the girls always want to be with her. I feel great and we sing songs on the radio and she falls asleep on the way home. Get home, get every one to bed and me to the room and WW to the sofa. I hate that,too. Everyone is still asleep and we have church today. Last Sunday she hugged me and prayed with me at the altar, holding my hands while we both cried. Interested to find how it goes today.

[hopeful4her]

Well church wasn't as emotional today as in the past few Sundays. Our D6 refused to go to childrens church and clung to me when it was time to go to their class, so she stayed with WW and I while D11 went to her class. At greeting time, I reached out my hand to WW and she shook my hand and gave me a look. I gave in and went in to hug her. She gave a half hug back, but I didn't really expect much more today. But it was something. I thought to myself afterward that I shouldn't have done it, but it was too late. Sermon was about the future. About not giving up on things when things don't look good. Pastor gave an emotional sermon. Whether it was at work, finances or marriage. I could see WW nodding in agreement to some of the things pastor was saying. Today, we didn't go to altar I guess because we had the little one, so I just knelt where I was standing and prayed and let the tears flow a little. At the end, I could see that she had also cried a little. After church, we all went to return my roller blades and our girls and I were still being very playful with each other playing chase and other things without including WW. At Academy, WW wanted to see if the hammocks were on sale as our old one is a gonner. I thought that was kind of strange. We looked at swings (the kind you put on a porch) and fire pits. Just looked, but not really the kind of things to be considering to purchase if you are planning on leaving, I thought to myself. We bought the girls a new soccer ball and some other things. WW asked me what I thought about a couple of things at the store. Another seemingly normal day of family time. Went and bought some sweet bread from a local bakery and there she asked me what I thought about the oatmeal cookies. Again, she was engaging me. Afterwards, off to the grocery store. On the way, listening to Radio Disney, that song by Fergie comes on. I think the name is Big Girls Don't Cry. I hate the words to that song. At the store, she askes me if I want kabobs, and I say sure. At the chip isle, she asks me I she should get the hot cheetohs or the hot fritos. I tell her to get whatever and turn away. She ends up gettin the fritos. Those are what I like. Odd. As we leave, we end up looking at patio furniture and she says she want to check Wallmart for new pads for our outdoor furniture. At home, she prepares the meat, I cook outside and we have a normal evening watching a movie with our girls. S14 comes home after girls bed time. They decide to watch a movie and WW comes in to room I am in to ask if I want to watch with them. Movie called Silk. Definate chick flick. Son leaves after 45 minutes and goes to his room. WW and I are left watching and she falls asleep about 45 minutes till the end. Thats normal for her. Movie about a man who marries the love of his life. Travels to Japan on business and meets a concubine and falls in love. Travels back home, can't forget the Japanese woman, travels back to Japan to have her and then travels back home, but guilty. He has to go back to Japan again, can't find her, comes back and wife gets ill and dies. In the end, he realizes that the wife was truly the love of his life, but too late. Too bad WW didn't finish watching.
My point to this journal tonight is again, a seemingly normal day for us. I have been trying to be a shade of dark, but I do engage her when she engages me. I know that I shouldn't be, but it is really hard to do. I have to remember that if she is still in a relationship with OM, we are not to be friends. I have told myself that I will not snoop her phone or anything else to see if they are still talking. Just getting along with my life for me and my kids. I do act as if I really don't give a damn anymore. I'm trying to be pretty non-chalant about things she says to me, but damn, she makes it hard. Maybe after our last blow up on Friday, she is thinking about what she will be possibly losing, I have thought that many times before. I need to go and find some of Puppy Dog Tails Truth Darts. I want to start using those, too.
I live in a weird world. I think WW does also. Confused, confused, confused.