at other times it is a completely different person who I absolutley loathe and detest
giant red flag
Originally Posted By: i'llsurvive
She has been friendly when it was convenient for her and it makes me wonder what has brought this about?
healthy skeptism or another red flag?
Originally Posted By: i'llsurvive
As far as the religion, it does turn my stomach when I think about it.
another red flag
Originally Posted By: i'llsurvive
she seems to be swayed by anyone she comes into contact with.
another red flag
It sounds great that she is being nicer to you now. For one thing, it is gratifying after the hurt you've had. It is also better for your D. But, do you really still love her? It doesn't sound like you respect her. . . . Only you know what is in your own heart and if there is any chance for reconciliation inside you. Even it that is what you still want it sounds like very teeny baby steps are in order to find out what there still is between you after all this time and damage to your R.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
I've never posted to you before, but this is an interesting thread...
So W is on a search for the meaning of life...buddhism one week and wicca the next. Doesn't that sound like the typical teenager to you, and isn't that what the MLCers are often compared to?
Have you thought about just taking her seriously and asking her what it is about these belief systems that appeal to her? She might feel validated and you might learn something, either about her needs, or the philosophies, or both.
I don't know much about wicca, but I do know that we catholics with our transubstantiation doctrine have turned a few stomaches too over the years. Wicca may not be nearly as bad as you think, heck, at least she is searching for something to provide meaning.
Good luck, you have in interesting situation although I'm sure it is much more interesting than you ever wanted!
I probably should keep in mind that this is the "divorced but not done" section, but reading this I still felt the need to say my piece.
My opinion is that relationships aren't just about your heart. I think it's actually a thinking thing. I think it's fair to ask yourself whether a person is right for you. So, let me present your XW to you as a person's profile you are reading on match.com
Divorced twice Cheated on my first husband, married my second husband 2 months after the ink on D was dry, divorced him within two years. Am into witchcraft.
Sound like a great catch. Someone else wrote, "would you divorce her if she started practicing wiccan while you were married?", and I think it's more appropriate to say (since you are, in fact, divorced), "Is this someone you would choose to date?"
My concern is that there is nothing different about your XW. Whatever drives her to have short-term relationships is still part of her make-up. I would be very leary of having a committed relationship with her again. I feel she wants you because she can't have you...when and if she gets you, who knows. Could you trust the longevity of a relationship with her? If you want to give her a chance, then start small with dating and don't let yourself get sucked into a big commitment. But if this Wiccan thing is a deal breaker, then don't bother.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
HOWEVER, if you choose to NOT pursue it, you may be wondering 10, 20, 30 years down the road...... What if?
Of course, without the crystal ball you would never know, if you tried again with her, that 10, 20, 30 years down the road, miserable because you are with this woman that has cheated on you 10 times, whether you would ask, "what if I had never tried again with her? Would my life have turned out this crappy?"
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
HOWEVER, if you choose to NOT pursue it, you may be wondering 10, 20, 30 years down the road...... What if?
Of course, without the crystal ball you would never know, if you tried again with her, that 10, 20, 30 years down the road, miserable because you are with this woman that has cheated on you 10 times, whether you would ask, "what if I had never tried again with her? Would my life have turned out this crappy?"
Phoenixdeux,
That is a cup half empty approach.... The whole thing is he now KNOWS what she is capable of.....
In reality, "moving on" to another person provides no guarantee... He could meet someone else and she could do EXACTLY what his exW did.... Yet, he could date his exW, marry her and have a VERY happy life....
The fact is no one has a crystal ball to tell how a relationship will go... If ANYONE thought they had a crystal ball, it WAS me.... My exW was the "Christian" woman I thought would always be there... I NEVER thought she would just walk away without a fight..... She is totally spineless...... Oh well, I did not really lose anything.... There was nothing of value there in that M....
Take Care,
RMG
Last edited by RMG; 04/24/0802:16 AM.
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
That was just the counterpoint. Without a crystal ball (that was infallible), we can't be sure that things will be better with our X, just like we can't be sure things would be better with someone else.
If you wanted to know my personal opinion: I'd say that if you know your spouse/ex-spouse, if they are someone whose life you want to share, you are aware of their faults and have already accepted them, they made a mistake but they worked through it, then I think you can have a BETTER marriage to your ex than looking for someone else. With someone new, it just takes some time to find new issues to deal with.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Here is a quick update on my sitch since I last posted:
We took a family vacation last month for one week (somewhere we had always promised to take D). Had a blast, and the ex was very affectionate, talking about past "good things" between us and joking sexually. Even though we shared a room, she would even let me see her naked while changing. Anyways, the last two nights we were there she ended up hoping in bed with me, asking at first for backrubs, then just wanting me to hold her.
It was nice, but I didn't put too much into it - not wanting to fall into that trap again and have my heart broke more.
So we came back on mother's day and she invited me to her grandmas for dinner. While there she was showing off pictures from the trip telling everyone how much fun we had, telling them how good I looked in my swim trunks, and then proceeded to make plans to go back there in december with her sister's family (talking as if we were together as a family ourselves).
Still took it all as being friendly, until I got an email back from her (I had sent a couple of pics and said thanks for a great time, I had fun, you know smal talk). The email basically said:
I had a blast with you as well. We can talk about things I do miss you. But we need to talk about them slowly. I really do think that that car accident did mess something up which lead to the divorce. I am sorry and I can never repair that but its a new life for us so all the old items would have to be gone. We will have to talk about a few items and maybe who knows we can try again slowly. I am going to see if I can try and break the lease and join you both. I am not changing the way I am but I now better understand things.
If we try again we do it slowly and no promises...We have to work through a few things like trust, your family, region (as I don't believe like you do, I like my stuff and you have to respect that). Want to talk one day how about in the Bahamas? OK OK just kidding how about a date and dinner when I come back?"
So me being absolutley shocked and not knowing what to say wrote back saying it would be nice to talk once she returned from her other trip. She then wrote back "so yes we want to try and become a family again and forgot about the past or no?"
Then next week when she came back she was busy with work and her league. I let her dictate bringing it up, and never heard anything, until this weekend when she called asking if she could spend time with me and D doing whatever we were on Friday. We hung out, ate, laughed, then she stayed to watch a movie. I offered her my bed for the night and she took it, but pulled the backrub trick again and then had me hold her (no hanky-panky which I was actually relieved about).
Saturday she stayed most of the day with D and I, then had to go home to clean and came back a few hours later to a party at mutal friends. We hung out there, then she asked to stay the night again. She climbed in bed with me again.
The next morning I woke up and she had made breakfast for me with D. We hung out and went shopping for D and the ex was talking about going on a vacation we used to take ever year, asking me finance stuff like we were going to be together again in the future, and things like that.
It wasn't until the end of the day that she menitoned I had never replied to her last email (about wanting to try to be a family again). I was honest and told her maybe and we could talk about it.
It has almost been too overwhelming for me, and I don't know what to think with so many emotions and feelings coming out. It's like my prayers were answered yet my greatest nghtmare has come true.
I know we need to talk so I think I will maybe ask if she wants to go to dinner just the two of us and talk then. Any advice, input or suggestions from everyone would be great!!
