My attorney informed me today that my wife is going to quash the protection order she put in force for no real reason a few months ago so that we can both participate in several family gigs in the next few months. This may indeed be my last chance to do it better than the previous begging, pleading and lecturing program. I am comitted to letting her do the contacting, not acting to needy or clingy, and trying to be freindly without appearing needy. I am curious what I should say if the topic of the absurd po comes up? Should I let her know she can call me anytime as she was doing previously? She has expressed how absolutley lonely and miserable she is and has been for the last 5 months since she quit having regular face to face contacts with me. I want to do this right for the both of us and our family. ideas?
Dbs...my best advice would be to let her lead and you follow. Be her friend first. Be a listening ear. Empathize with her. DO NOT rush her or get angry, frustrated etc. Let her come to you in her time. It is a good thing for all involved she is throwing the order of protection out the window, roll with it my friend! If she talks about being lonely, listen...if you rush in and say let's do something...it may push her away...give it a little time. Listen, be a friend, and say something sweet like "yeah being alone is tough, if you would ever like to talk, you know how to get in touch with me." That way she knows you are there and available to her..but she won't feel pressured either.
Be patient...be her friend.... NO pressure....calm, cool, and collected!
hope it helps...questions just ask take care & good luck! christarn
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
I would do nothing, or say nothing in regards to the PO. You did not file it, she did, why heck if anyone knows but her. Her issue not yours. If she knows the door is open, and subtle way to do this without talking about it might be wearing your ring if you aren't currently. Next is don't ask about the D. period. Let her make the moves, sounds like she makes all the moves also.
What 180's are in place, in other words what have you accomplished to make yourself less miserable to live with? Make sure they are still in full swing and keep them up. I know how does she know if you aren't around, well if they are in place then you won't have to "fake it" so much when you do have contact.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Those were great suggestions, and some great questions.
After the first 6 months of being a whiney woe is me, I have begun to move on with life. Finding out there are several gals who are more than interested has helped the damaged ego and emotions alot. Do not get me wrong-I have not, nor will I pursue any of them, not until if and when the D is final, but knowing that life will go on that way helped me pull out of the emotional pit I was in. I started living again, and seeing the fun in life. My kids have noticed and told their Mom, who acted very suprised. My first choice is to stay in my marriage with her.
I am determined that although I do feel some guilt on things I have done wrong, I have pitied myself long enough, and that the past is to learn from, not live in.
I am concerned that my wife has made comments to the kids that she hates men, and that maybe given 4-5 years she and I might make another run at things. I will not be available in 4-5 years.
She has been in a deep depression for years, and I believe the heart of that is due to an adolescent experience with sexual abuse. She feels her Dad has not paid the price, her brother has not paid the price, I have not paid a price, and that any male church leader or male counselor (or female for that matter) is only defending all the bad experience with males if they do not suggest we all be castrated (or something) and that if there is any mention of her looking at her actions or how she could change, that the perps are off the hook again.
I do feel for her. I have not had to deal with the issues she has. At the same time, she has had the opportunity to stay with counseling to help her and she has quit a few times. She is seeing one now, and I can only hope that it is someone who is pro-marriage, and also one who believes that being a victim forever is self defeating.
I am going to do my best to implement the suggestions given. I think they are very good. I have told my kids that she should know there will be no recrimination from me about the po. She has seen that in reality it hurt her the most. I'm hoping that being positive, and upbeat, and supportive without preaching or lecturing will help her know she can trust me and talk with me without me trying to fix her. Thanks again!
NO pressure....calm, cool, and collected!