VERY HAPPY, but sad...

[eee]

Here's the short version:

VERY good relationship w/my "husband" (not legally married, but living together). Always have had a really GREAT relationship/friendship for the past 8-1/2 years. Last year he had a mini-MLC, brought on by a lawsuit and his father's heart attack. There was another woman - a 6 mo. EA. She is a party girl and he felt like he wanted a stress free existance. He also felt like he could "fix" her problems and "help" her. It included PA, but that was not the main attraction at all. The affair is completely over now. We never really separated, always talked openly about the situation (he always said he loved me, but just couldn't stop himself from exploring another potential life) and with DB on my side we are back together and mostly happy.

But...
I am having trouble moving past it all and feeling secure again. I think this is totally understandable - esp. since we really are very good friends and even throughout the whole affair had a good relationship. However, I currently keep thinking about the hurt I felt every few hours (it's been over for 3 months now). I know all the details about the affair (very unfullfilling, so it's easier not to be jealous), I have forgiven him (I am hurt, but not angry) and I do trust that it's over and he wants to be with me. It's just that I feel sad (almost depressed) on and off. I'm not sure how to really move past it completely. Maybe it just takes time?

I also am hesitant to share these feelings with him. I really AM happy to be together again, and I don't want to feel so insecure and needy. And since throughout the whole affair I was the strong/positive/DB one, it's hard to suddenly be "but, now I need to be taken care of, I need constant reassurance right now". I don't want him scare him away at this point now that we've come so far...

I really think time will heal, just wondering if anyone had any experience on how to make it happen faster/easier.

[eee]

Anyone have any input? Please?

[runningoutoftime]

Takes time.... definitely. And, it's okay to feel sad and insecure. That's normal. If you find yourself having a terribly difficult time . Go to the bookstore and look for books on affairs and read though them (i.e. "End of the Affair," "Not, 'Just Friends,'" etc....). This will help you understand your feelings and what happened. Also, if you need to, don't hesitate to contact a therapist and go in to talk though those feelings. That may help for now.... But time is the real healer....

Hang in there.

[JoieDeVivre]

eee,
ROOT is right, time is the real healer. I can totally relate to the sadness and insecurity. My H's A is also over, and I know a lot of the details, too. We are definitely on the road to R. But those feelings of sadness, thinking of what he did, how much he hurt me, etc. do haunt me from time to time. It's been several months for me and it does get better. Again, time will heal.

But what I haven't done, and need to do, is talk more to my H about these feelings. I'm with you, I'm afraid to do it. But I know I need to. He's probably not going to be really thrilled at the conversation, but I'm afraid if we don't, I'll never be able to air my feelings and in the long run, I'll regret it! I don't want these long months of DBing to be in vain. Communication is so important!!!

I also try to focus on the here and now -- and the future. The A is over, we're back on track and the past is the past. I know the time will come to share my feelings with him.

I hope Saffie stops by. She's a long time poster who joined the board for this very reason -- just dealing with and moving past all those feelings.

Joie

[Steel_Box]

eee,
ROOT and JoieDeVivre are right, it takes time. I am actually back here on the board for the same reason. For me It has been almost 10 months since W's A ended, and I still have little things happen that cause me to think back and remember how hurt and pissed I was. Its different now because it is a painful memory, rather than a gut wrenching reality, and things are actually really good between W and I. But, I still get the random thought or memory that hits me. Now I just try to remember not to focus on it.

Like JoieDeVivre, I am holding back on some of my feelings because I know that it will be a difficult conversation to bring up the past. But I think she is right in that if I don't talk about it with her it will lead to me bottling up things in the future, and THAT was one of the big mistakes that got me here in the first place.

Seeing that others are here dealing with the same issues is encouraging. I'll take it as a sign that I'm still getting better. You should too.


Good Luck to you.

[eee]

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement - it does help knowing I'm not the only one going thru this. It's funny - while going through the whole deal, my sitch played out almost exactly like the DB books said it would. I found real comfort in this - I read and re-read and re-read. They were my security blanket. But now I feel like I'm "on my own" and don't know what to expect.

My biggest issue is insecurity. He came back to me, ended it w/the OW, so in some ways I should feel GREAT! And while overall I do feel VERY VERY happy, I also feel very scared and insecure. Almost like I'm sure something bad will happen... This is a tough part of DB'ing - I was the strong/determined one and I got what I wanted (and still very much want). But now I just want to be the scared little girl and be taken care of and reassured.

We have talked a little - he knows some of how I'm feeling and is trying to be attentive/reassuring. I honestly don't think there's anything he could really do to make me feel totally secure. Like people have said here, I guess it just takes time. And I think I just need to think through it a bit more and to take a deep breath and find just a little more strength from myself and not look to him as my only source.

[runningoutoftime]

>>Almost like I'm sure something bad will happen.<<

Well... the truth is, isomething bad CAN always happen... just like good can always happen too. You just can't let the negative feelings destroy your life day to day. That's a waste of precious time. Life is too short you have to enjoy every moment of living and be thankful for the small things. I'm not saying you aren't thankful, I'm just saying it's more important to focus on those positives instead of the negatives.

I know that's not easy, but make yourself read and think positive things, make that a goal. And over time, it will get easier.

And over time a lot of those negative feelings, and the insecurity will fade too.

[eee]

>>I'm just saying it's more important to focus on those positives instead of the negatives.<<


ROOT - I think you are right, I believe a lot of being happy vs. sad/depressed/worried is a choice. I just need to figure out how to PUSH myself into doing things that make me happy instead of shutting down and waiting for either "him to make me feel better" or "something bad to happen". I realize that in many ways it's a choice that I have the power to make.

He will be out of town all week next week, so it will be a good time for me to take a step back, take care of me, and figure out how to work thru all this.

I'll re-read some DB (now with a different view point - how to enhance a good R, not how to save a R from MLC/A). I also have some other books that I'll dive into and see what I can learn. Reading really saved me during the crisis phase, so hopefully I'll find some "answers" for this part of the journey.

I feel better just having a game plan - that's the first step. Thanks!

[runningoutoftime]

Well, those early months really are hard. I know I stuggled a great deal with many conflicting emotions when my husband came back. Positive thinking is often easier said than done.

Definitely do things that make you happy, and even do things you know will make him happy, but focus on trying to have a healthy balance.

>>waiting for either "him to make me feel better" <<
Ooooh, avoid that! Don't allow anyone to be responsible for your happiness that's an unhealthy dependence. Cherish others for doing kind things and do kind things in return (give love selflessly and without expectation), but happiness in general should be within you.