Well, first off the affair is not your fault you didn't put a gun to your wife's head and say if you don't go sleep with someone else I will kill you!
Anyone who thinks differently needs a morality check. What may be your fault is some of the unhappiness you two felt prior to the affair. You are responsible for your part in the things that lead to the affair but not the affair itself. That was her reaction to unhappiness, not yours. I think I would make that clear to the counsler.
Your actions are your actions, her reactions are not your actions.
Our actions are what we are responsible for not someone else's actions. Just the same you are responsible for how you handle her affair, not her fault but what you do and say is what you do and say. Not her problem!
I hope I am clear.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
I haven't read that book. at least the title sound like something i will be interested in.
i also know that my previous actions didn't hlep the situation any. i guess as the victum in the A a part of me feels like if i did this differently or that differently would anything change. W has told me that it was all her as well as myu C today said she was the one who had the low esteam she did this to herself not in a revenge for the pornagraphy. if it was revenge she would have told me the next day as a dig to me. she chose to punish herself for 9 years.
however this still doesn't lessen the pain. man this sucks!
For her to admit it was revenge and a self esteem issue is HUGE!!! In other words she is taking accountability for her actions. It is not surprising to me that it has taken a while for her to stop blaming you and really look at the source.
Based on your post she is moving into a very logical state of mind. Sounds like good news to me.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
it is a good sign, i think that i can now work past it. i have to admit that it is the hardest thing that i had to face in my life.
When my W and i first got married we were both young (23). my first D was basicly a honeymoon baby. i think that we really didn't haver alone time as a couple. we seemed to always had a child around us.
i had really no experiance as a father. i think my way to cope was to check out into the poronagraphy. it weas wrong and i know that.
the other day i wanted to meet my W and she gave me a few excuses then the ugly thoughts came to my mind. like well you went knowingly to meet up with another man to have sex but you cant take the time for your husband and give him excuses. why for this stranger and not for someone you are suposto love. i know that if i were to have said these things that would have been a slap in the face. i didn't want to do that so i had to do my breathing runs.
i hope that i can get past i soon. ugh again this sucks
Ultimately, I do believe you will get past it. The reason I believe this is you are here. I also believe you will be able to forgive your W, once she forgives herself. The reason I make this statement is until your wife forgives herself she will not subconsiously accept your forgiveness.
She has taken responsibility, now she must decide if she is going to forgive herself, more likely though she will see if you will forgive her first. This is a critical time in your relations with her be supportive but not a doormat. Also do not be shocked or discouraged if she seems to withdraw. The owness to fix this is in her court. Also when she does feel better about admitting responsibility, she may put a full court press on to fix everything overnight.
Of course that is when you and her have to remind yourselves it takes time to heal from the hurt and some days will be good and some bad.
All in all, this is a great sign of the possibilities. If things don't work out and she doesn't forgive herself, you still will know you did everything you could to rebuild, there is should not be any guilt or shame in that.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
some fellings and thoughts i countiuing to have is that in my life i thought i would never be in this situation, being cheated on. when we first got married we said to each other if the other one cheats on one another that was it it was over. i think that most couples have this attitude going into the marriage.
now that i am here talking about W haveing cheated on me i still feel that it is a nightmare. it invades my dreams. i also go back in time to the pplace and see all the signs and just wince at how blind i was. also over the past nine years there has been many hints about her having an A. i again was blind.
when i talked to my religous leader about the signs he said that was becouse yoiu wern't looking for them. that is compforting.
Sat. is the second time to meet up with the MC. how can i be patiant with this women?
Can you work past it? YES Will you work past? Your choice, it won't be easy either way.
Depersonalize it, she didn't do it to you, she did it to herself. It was not a lack of respect for you, but rather a lack of respect for herself. Is it your fault? Nope! Should you have known? NO! why, because you trusted her completely. Can that trust be earned back? YES! it takes alot of time though and a lot of hard work on both parts.
Obviously she felt some needs weren't being met. the key is "felt". Now if you can identify or she can help, you can change those things about your M. Don't beat yourself up over it, if you choose not to be with her, that is your choice, but don't fall into the trap of she did this so I don't love her anymore. You both made a vow to each other, she broke the vow, she messed up royally.
Do you want to give her a chance to earn back the trust? You made a vow also for better or worse. Most folks would completely understand if you decided you are better off without her as your W. Me included, hence the divorce rate is 50%. I have faith you will make the right choice for all. You will give yourself time and you will seek information and understanding, you will look to verify what others say and what is written. I am sure you will pray, in the end you will make the right choice. Trust and believe in yourself to work through it.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
sorry it has very long to post. i am currently remodleing my liveing room, kitchen, and hallway, laying laminite. it has kept me very busy. i guess this is good.
the MC this past sat. was better. we started talking and she had asked me about all the stuff that we discussed on the past visist. i tld her that i thought that she was full of crap and diudn't really consider my felings. and how pissed off i was. she didn't say that she was sorry, but did say that she felt that she neded to say the things i didn't want to hear. so they can be said. i hate these type of C. dispite this fact the session went better then i exspected. at least i stayed.
one disturbing thing came out of the session was i told the C on how mad i was at the fact that my W said that the night after the A she was affaid of getting aids or getting pregnant. what would you gather from this statment. i made the comment that how could she run the risk of not only getting any STD's herslef then to pass it along to me. i also said that HIV can take years to becomee. well come to find out that a condom was used. then why would she not tell me this. also she made the comment that all the many times i was into porn and she had forgiven me are we not even. this really pissed me off. i know when she forgave for the porn i thought that i was the luckest guy in the world and felt great. then on hind side knowing it was just weks after the A i know think that she forgave me on her own guilt. is this wrong to think. then last night i asked was the sondom her idea or was it the OM. she said it was her idea. i think that this is both comforting, and sad at the same time.
comporting: that she was responceable to not run a huge risk to me and for the opther chilren.
sad: that ultimitly planed out the whole thing to betray me.
i asked a couple of other questions last night and she answered them trufully. but it still hurts. it is like prying teeth to get any info from her. i know that it hurts her to tell me but i need to know exatcly what to forgive. with the porn she never asked what web sites, mags, etc, and said didn't whant to know. i think that is why she doesn't to embelish on her A.
so this morning i was still thinking about the answers from last night she wanted a hug and kiss before she went to work(i am home with the kids today). i told i didn't want to. and told her for me to move on i have to know every little dirty detail. she shays all it would do is give me a reason to be pissed off at her. i sarcasticly said thnks for the support. then she left. i called her 10-15 min later and aid sorry to make her relive the A but i need to know. she said that she will e-mail it to me.
i fear that she may be right. how bad will this hurt? however i still feel that i have to know how much to forgive.
the good thing is i still don't want to divorce or move out. the temptation is there but i know where that feeling is comming from.
