Foreign Spouse-One foot out the door- HELP

[sosadoh]

I have been married less than one year, and already, I have experienced so much turmoil in my marriage it's amazing I'm not locked away in a nuthouse somewhere. This Jan, my husband dropped the bomb- basically the "I love you but am not in love with you, maybe I never have been" story. He was also dissatisfied with his life in general - his job, the fact he is so far from his family (he is from Mexico and we live in NYC) and he started working out like crazy, etc. I found this site, and read the book, and was actually able to get through that episode, following Michelle's advice, and not exacerbating the problem by my reactions. I chalked it up to early-onset MLC. (He is 32). Things slowly got better, we went to visit his family for a week and he was WONDERFUL during the trip and a few weeks after, then he started slipping into this depressive state again.
Now he says he is so miserable with his life here (I think he feels better about our relationship- this is more about work and family) that he absolutely can't stand it anymore. He called his brother in Mexico yesterday and asked him if he knew of any jobs available for him. He told me he feels bad doing this to me (ie LEAVING)but he's just too miserable here. He doesn't say anything about being sad to lose me- it sounds more like he feels obligated to lie in the bed he made. He isn't interested in going back to school here, or looking for a better employment situation. He's frustrated because we are moving to Ohio in Sept so I can go to grad school (a decision HE stood behind and seemed happy about, but now just says he was trying to be supportive). He thinks he'll be making less money there (he ignores the fact that the cost of living is also less) and he just can't stand taking a step backwards. Describes it as "going to prison". He thinks if he goes to Mexico he can get a good job and be respected as a professional (conveniently ignoring that he'll REALLY be making less money there)he'll be happy.
I established, basically from day one of our relationship, that I would not live in Mexico- there are a lot of reasons, but I was always clear about it, and I know that if I gave up everything and moved there I would be even more miserable than he is. We always had the understanding that we would make our life here.
Then he had the idea that he would quit his job so he could become an exotic dancer, only work 3 times a week and make tons of money so that in a couple of years he can open a gym in Mexico and go back and forth between there and the states. How is that going to work? Especially when we plan to have a family?
I was supportive of him for even coming up with a way that allows us to stay together in some fashion (trying to be MLC friendly), but it also sounded like a cop out from him(also I have objections to the whole stripper thing). A voice said to me today "your husband is quitting a respectful engineering job to become a stripper so that he can make enough money to leave you."
I feel like such a fool, and at the same time, I desperately don't want to lose him.
I'm sorry this is so long, but if anyone can give me their thoughts I would be so grateful. I feel absolutely alone.

[peacetoday]

S
Sorry you find yourself here
From my experience, there is little we can do to persuade these H to stay
they get this idea that if life were another way, they would be happy and they believe
Its almost like they have to go to figure it all out
in my case my H checked out 14 months ago
said he didnt want to be M anymore
he visits frequently as we have 2 kids but he looks terrible and doesnt look happy
so although he thought I was the problem- he is rid of me and still miserable
and they still cant figure it out
it takes a long time
for you
practice validating H
being upbeat
no pleading or begging
Gal stay busy find friend or Therapy to get it out
and let him go
some return- many do not
its out of our hands
and we growe in acceptance
it just takes time
peace

[sosadoh]

thanks peace for your response, and your strength and acceptance is heartening. It just amazes me that they can be so selfish- they literally can't see past their own skin, and how that can destroy another person and they don't even flinch. I think understand better now why men are always invading other countries, raping, pillaging, etc.

[peacetoday]

S
I belive they go into a form of denial b/c there pain is so great
they dont relize maybe they are in a crises or developmental stage and they run
they believe their running will fix the problem but unfortunately it is not easy
It is an inside problem
often times they get T to agree with them..mine did to again avoid dealing with the inner man
instead they chose a form opf instant gratification like a candy bar only bigger form like another R to comfort them
and they cant see theve done anything wrong
so read as much as you can to learn about it
try to take care of yourself and stay busy
cry if needed
C for you would help
prace

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Not going to call you SoSad, How about NY instead?

NY,

Careful, or your going to sound like a misandronist.

Anyway,
Check out the resources at the top of these threads for ALOT of information about Midlife Crisis.

There is a theory amoung several of the women here, that a latino man's midlife crisis is different than say a caucasian man's mid life crisis.

I believe there are three of them, but I only recall two. You might want to get some advice from them.

Valentine, she posts here in MLC Land.
Lissie, she posts in Surviving the Big D.

Don't let where they post scare you, these are strong women, who have been through hell and have amazing advice and insights.

Do not confuse the actions of a man in MLC with the actions of all men. If this is your experience with all men not just those in MLC...find a new one, raise your bar.

[Jeanette1120]

Jack,

Ahem...make that 4

BND and myself.

Mexican and Peurto Rican

There does seem to be a noticeable difference in the Latin Male MLC'er

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Oh yeah...

BND = Brand New Day
Jeanette = Jeanette