S effects on children

[houndfan]

There has been so much talk on this board about the effects of the S on the kids. Wanted to share my personal experience and maybe add some pseudo-journaling....

Pre-S: My boys were clearly acting out of the disfunction in our marriage. Both boys were bed wetters, very poorly behaved in the house but perfect out of the house or with others. S7 struggled with school even though he is bright. Little hound was a terror... the storys would scare even the most sane of dog trainers. We chalked up their behavior to being boys etc never thinking that the pain and stress that we brought into the home could impact our boys so much.

During - S: Both boys became worse... S7 whom I thought would take the lead and support little hound like my big brother did for me many years ago regressed. He began to have accidents at home and school. Little ones at first and then big ones. He became clumbsy, short, and overall dark and sullen. Then the bio-accidents began on a daily basis which caused himi embarrassment and shame. We had to begin to send extra pants and shirts to school each day to have for him to change into. School became a chore for him and his grades and participation fell off the map. He was the most impacted. Little Hound went a different direction, changed his behavior by being more helpful and caring. Really trying to be a "good boy". His lively nature left him in a hurry. He was no longer the funny little guy that we enjoyed, he became serious and focused. At 4 it made my heart ache.

When offered both boys went with me to where I was staying, mom was short with her fuse and very stressed with the entire sitch. Boys were scared of her and did not want to be around her much. I was so depressed, I was not helpful as a father. They were dying inside and we lost sight of that as I DB'ed and she tried for her "new life".

S7 is an amazing little athlete (I know all dads say that) but he really is. He is the only 7 YO I have ever seen that can switch hit in baseball, throw a football on a line, and short a regulation basketball 8 of 10 from the free throw line! During the S he became dangerously focused on baseball. Looking back it has helped him to understand the effort required to be successful in life, but at the time it was an attempt to zone out his damaged life. As I think about last fall it makes my heart ache that WE did this to two very neat and special little boys!

R: I can't explain how they have grown this year. S7 grades are better than ever. He no longer has to go to remedial reading classes. His attention is better, his behavior is great both at home and away. He is so happy now, no longer depressed and sullen. He is passionate about baseball still, but in a different way. He loves that mommy and I spend time with him playing as much as we can. He comes to all of my softball games and tournies and wants to be a ball player like his daddy! He told mom after a co-ed game a week or so ago how proud he was that she hits the ball so well. Doesn't seem like much but he really gets it that family life is about love and support.

He likes to spend time in the cage I built for him hitting balls when I am not around, and I see him "teaching" his little brother all the time. This morning as I was reading the paper I read about the college professor whom was given just a few months to live and dedicated the remainder of his life to teaching and loving his kids! As tears welled in my eyes reading the story I grabbed S7 and pulled him close for a wonderful hug and kiss. True love like that is not easy to find, but it is easy to lose!

S4 has grown in other ways. He is so funny that W and I are in stiches all the time with him. We have a different kind of love for him but just as intense. He is so little and tiny unlike his brother whom is huge. He is observant and free. He will be our creative one whom cares only about being happy. He loves his puppy and he loves his life. There is no one else in the world that I would rather be!!!

So, Friday S7 had to have a tooth pulled. As he was screaming and crying about it in the chair, little asked if he could go back. To our surprise the dentist said he could. Little held his brothers hand and told him he loved him and how proud he was of him. S7 stopped crying and my little frecklefaced babies supported each other through a difficult time as brothers should. There was so much love in that moment that I could not help but cry...

I have learned much about this experience. First, for as intelligent that I am I have learned that I can spell to save my life (LOL). Secondly, I have learned that true love is found in the eyes of those that we have brought into this world. They hold the key to our success and failure in life.

When I first was S and faced with D my only thought was to save my family, but it was ego driven because I don't fail and I didn't want people to see me as a failure. I was not trying to save my family for the right reasons. There are some on this board that do the same and they continue to fail. I was trying to save the image of the perfect family whom behind closed doors was a mess....

After some time, I began to realize where the love came from for W & I. It had evoloved over time, it was no longer the gitty passion that we shared pre-babies. It was true love built on an effort to support all 4 of us. We lost our path because we became too focused on our family unit and lost sight of our own goals and dreams. Yet, there is a balance that must be met.

We must be happy as individuals to succeed as a team! And we were a mess. That mess cascaded down to the two boys and it showed! Well, as I shared with CW a few weeks ago we began to understand the three marriages... we began to understand the need for mine, hers, and ours and work accordingly. I have now decided that there is a fouth marriage to consider and that is Theirs (the kids effected by marriage).

W and I now pursue independent passions. I am allowed to have some un-critical moments in life that help me feel less "controlled", she gets to pursue a life outside of being a stay at home mom. There are many other independent moments for each of us, but end of the day there is true support and love shared in the Doghouse!

I don't wish this on any family and I realize that there are families that will never be saved. But I also realize that life is a series of prioirites and they need to be evaluated. There are kids, money, jobs, free time, etc etc etc.... I don't yet understand how we fall out of love with our spouses or how our lives diverge, but I do understand how the paths can be right again. It's like an old Dukes of Hazard epi, the Duke boys run off the road make a jump or two and then the road merges again and Roscoe is back on their trail. Marriage is the same, we now understand that sometimes its ok to take the access road by ourselves as long as we meet back up on the main drag....

The boys taught me more in this moment in time that I could ever realize and my love for them is not measureable. My pride as a father is overflowing because the true DB'ers in my house are 4 and 7 they don't know it now, but when I am an old man telling the story about how we almost lost our family I can illustrate for them the moment that they put their capes on and came to the rescue of a marriage gone bad!

We make choices in this life some good some bad... they don't have that chance yet! They did not choose their parents, but through their infinite love they can pull the attraction back in line and right the ship.

S sucks for everyone, but I can promise that your kids will grow and flourish when WE make the effort to R. By following Michelle's lessons we learn how to DB and save our marriage (hopefully).

I am not sure how they can impact those that choose not to see the kids lessons as you see those posts on here all the time...

I just know that without those boys this D is not busted!!!!

Just a ramble to tell the world how much I love my boys, my wife, and my opportunity to be a great man!

[minkerman]

What an AWESOME post, hound.

Thank you, I enjoyed reading it both times.

[cat03]

that was so moving hound, too many times we overlook how much those little ones realize and understand, I regret having so many arguments over the phone when my little d4 was listening, I could kick myself for that! then know a LOT more than we could ever imagen.

[cw68]

Aurgh, the kids. It kills me that they have to go through this. My kids are doing well, all things considered, but my S5 is the one who is changing. Up until a couple of weeks ago, it didn't seem to be that big of a deal to him. Then he started mentioning "dad getting the apartment" and the like. Always dramatic, he then began crying more. At first it wasn't noticeable because he's always been very easily hurt, but now everyday he's pushed over the emotional edge. Not a day goes by that he doesn't cry, for whatever reason, for 45 minutes or so.

My daughter? She's the mature one. She realizes that Dad's confused, has a hard time talking about things that bother him and she doesn't want to "bother" him. I worry that she's trying to take on too much.

All I can do is tell them that I'm here for them, Dad loves them and the two of us are both trying to make the best out of this situation.

I hate that my kids have to deal with this. Lest I get too angry and too depressed, I just have to stop thinking about that.