Just bored and snooping - last night I listed the very small positive that H is no longer snooping on OW's facebook page anymore. That is because she closed her account. So it is not effort on his part. However, it is consistent with what she told me she was going to do when I talked to her. She also told me she was getting a new cell and not going to give H the number, maybe that is why there are no calls. Could OW actually have told me the truth?
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Neecy, I HOPE YOU ARE RIGHT, but you know you're going to hear a bunch of us say that you shouldn't trust ANYTHING OW says.
That being said, is she telling you the truth? Could be. It's always possible that OW figured out that your H wasn't someone she wanted to be with so she's the one making the effort to ensure No Contact. Bad part about that is if it wasn't your H's idea to end the affair, it will take him longer to get over it. But it also means that NC will have a better chance of sticking because OW isn't out there waiting for your H to try and get back together with her. Kind of a double edged sword, KWIM?
Thanks for the props on my sitch. Hope your day goes well.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Last night was horrible. I had to drop D4 off at a birthday party yesterday afternoon. As soon as I left so did H over to his ahngout bar. Called to say he met up with some friends(his birthday) he would be home in a half hour. At 4 I texted him to ask if I should bother putting on the roast I had bought for his birthday dinner, he said yes. At 5 I texted to let him know it was done and waiting. At 6 I went and took my D to my parents house since we were supposed to be going out together and one way or another I figured it was still better D4 wasn't home.
At 7 I decided to get ready to go out and went to the bar to buy H a beer instead of sitting home stewing. He was drunk, happy to see me but not the least bit appologetic about completley missing his birthday dinner. We stayed for awhile, a friend of his kept buying drinks, 2 guys came in I was sure were gay so I was talking it up with them, H got all mad that I was trying to pick them up and left. I realized he was gone and left as well. Well he wasn't at home so I continued driving towards the adjacent town where OW lives. On my way I get a call from H to come get him. He has been pulled over by the police. It was almost exactly where I was so I pulled right in. He then freaked and accused me of sending the police for him. The police officer asked if I would be ok to take him home - I thought so. He only charged him with speeding, he said he should have charged DUI but it would have resuled in losing his DL for a year and 10 - 15000 in fines. Very strict in Ontario. H gets in the car still blaming me for this happening. On the way home he threw everything in his pockets at me, threw the car into neutral a couple of times, grabbed the wheel and jerked it, broke the windshield wiper control right off ripped out the wires and everything. And in the midst of my shreaking and yelling told me that he hated me and tried to choke me at one point. He has never been the least bit violent or even nasty drunk or otherwise, he has never said anything like that before. When we got home I went inside and locked the door, he broke the lantern outside, I let him in before he broke anything else, he went in the bathroom, locked the door and threw everything around, dents in the door, broke 2 of my angels and chunks out of the drywall. My one knuckle is black this morning so I must have got a shot in there that I don't remember it is like a horrible blur. Thank God D4 wasn;t here. We still have to go back and get his car this morning.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Anger and confusion and pain can make people (our spouses) do the strangest actions. (as many of us can attest to here.) Add booze... and presto... wacko-alien being.
Something my lawyer said to me last week keeps ringing in my ear... he said amazingly enough... health issues of one sort or another might be fueling our spouses completely out of character actions.
Trying to find out what that is... or god forbid urging them to get a head scan... medical assessment for depression is all but impossible... but it can explain some of the absolutely wacko behavior we have the misfortune of having to deal with. Doesn`t make it easier...
Take care of you and if the violent behavior shows it`s head again... protect YOU and your D at all costs.
Abbey.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
This is serious! Please set some CLEAR boundries starting TODAY. He will most likely wake up very appologetic or not remembering what happened (either real or pretending). BUT it did happen and it needs to be addressed.
If he does remember he will most likely say it was your fault. DO NOT take responsibility for his actions last night.
Let him know violence will not be tolerated! PERIOD
Please keep us posted and let us know you are okay.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Do not, under any circumstance, continue to accept any violent behavior from H. Tell him clearly and tell him now. If it continues, you need to look after the safety of you and D -- whatever it takes.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
First of all, I'm really sorry you had such a horrible evening. I've never sugarcoated things with you before, and I won't start now. Your husband is out of control, and you're enabling his boorish behavior.
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Called to say he met up with some friends(his birthday) he would be home in a half hour. At 4 I texted him to ask if I should bother putting on the roast I had bought for his birthday dinner, he said yes.
I don't know how your household works, but in ours, the onus is on the person NOT there to let the person who IS there, and who is making dinner, if -- and what time -- they are going to be home. But OK, let's set this one aside for the moment . . .
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At 5 I texted to let him know it was done and waiting.
This is "pursuing" behavior. Please stop it.
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At 6 I went and took my D to my parents house since we were supposed to be going out together and one way or another I figured it was still better D4 wasn't home.
GOOD!!!
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At 7 I decided to get ready to go out and went to the bar to buy H a beer instead of sitting home stewing.
Why are those your only two options? D4 was being taken care of, you should have left the food on the table, beautifully set, candles burnt down to the stumps and snuffed out for good dramatic effect, and went out and did something for NEECY, and NOT let your husband know where you are going. Why do you keep pursuing him? Can you see where this is not helping you?? He boorishly blows you off, when YOU are there making him a birthday dinner, and then you go chase him and buy HIM, a beer? WTF???
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H got all mad that I was trying to pick them up and left. I realized he was gone and left as well.
When we were kids, we used to call this "ditching" someone. Nice. What man does this to his own WIFE, and why would you later bail him out after he had done this to you??
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Well he wasn't at home so I continued driving towards the adjacent town where OW lives.
Why???
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On my way I get a call from H to come get him. He has been pulled over by the police. It was almost exactly where I was so I pulled right in.
How convenient and helpful for him, that you were there to rescue him, after he'd sh!t on you all night. Even if you misplayed every other aspect of the evening, the week, the month or the past YEAR of your ordeal, this was a Gift from Heaven, a Door Opening Wide, and you missed it. You should have said "Husband, I'm so sorry you're not having a good evening, and thank God you're safe. I'm kinda busy right now, and I won't be able to bail you out. In fact, I'm done 'bailing you out' of a ALL of your poor decision-making lately. I'm going to go pick up our daughter, and make sure she's cared for tonite. Sleep it off in jail."
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He only charged him with speeding, he said he should have charged DUI but it would have resuled in losing his DL for a year and 10 - 15000 in fines. Very strict in Ontario.
Oh good. So the law enforcement authorities enable his bad behavior, too. How helpful. NOT!!!
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On the way home he threw everything in his pockets at me, threw the car into neutral a couple of times, grabbed the wheel and jerked it, broke the windshield wiper control right off ripped out the wires and everything. And in the midst of my shreaking and yelling told me that he hated me and tried to choke me at one point. He has never been the least bit violent or even nasty drunk or otherwise, he has never said anything like that before.
Neecy, you are too good of a woman to have to deal with crap like this!!] You should have pulled over, told him to get out of the car, and called the cops to come and get him and then NOT bail him out. Pressing charges against him for assaulting you, optional.
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When we got home I went inside and locked the door, he broke the lantern outside, I let him in before he broke anything else, he went in the bathroom, locked the door and threw everything around, dents in the door, broke 2 of my angels and chunks out of the drywall.
So call the cops.
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We still have to go back and get his car this morning.
What do you mean, "we", kimo sabe???
Neecy, I guess this is the part where I'm supposed to add "I'm sorry to be so harsh," and if your HUSBAND were here, BELIEVE me, I would have some choice words for him. But all we have is you, so we get to work on YOU.
I agree with what's been said about -- this is your chance to lay down some SERIOUS boundaries, and STICK TO THEM. Last nite simply cannot repeat itself, but about all you can do now is say "Husband, if that ever happens again, I will NOT bail you out," and unfortunately he's not going to take you seriously. I wouldn't.
End of 2-by-4, but if you were my dear sister, that is what I would tell you. I'm sorry you're going thru this.
Oh my gosh. I am so sorry, what a horrible horrible night for you. I really would love to come tear your H a new one. I agree with Abbey that your H is lost and confused, guilty and in pain, and drinking does nothing for that sort of mindset. I was all set to give you a scolding for 'following' H up to his bar after he stood you up for dinner, but none of that matters after I kept reading.
You know what you need to do. Be strong and do it. No one is allowed to treat you that way, and your D4 is innocent and helpless. Its up to you to protect her Mommy and herself from these violent behaviors.
