Lan, I sense you're still walking on eggshells around W. W feels some guilt, but still 100% absorbed in her own feelings, has little sense of your pain. Can someone tell us if this dynamic ever gets reversed or is it something the LBS has to live with forever? If we have the wrong expectation it would add to the pain.
The reason I ask is that I talk to this couple who reconciled 10 years ago - at the time she filed D the H felt suicidal - but till today she blames him for that too - like it was blackmail instead of intense pain.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
She does not want to be a dirty girl all the time.
Don't make her feel like one.
OK forrest, I get this part.
Fb2,
I'm not so much walking on eggshells, it's more like I don't know if to "sick or bust". Do I just wait for her to have another burst of passion or am I allowed to intiate anything. I don't know yet maybe cos W and I are still not in sync.
She likes it when you remember to do stuff around the house.
She likes movie nights.
This is where people get stuck. They both are stepping into what they thought was the solution. The cycle starts here.
She backs off. You get confused. You back off. You have been showing her something different all along. Keep doing it. The thing I have learned is your life will be filled with DB'ing for the rest of your life. Using what you have learned and applying better "tools". You can't grow if you keep doing the same things over and over. You need to expand your skill set.
I have saved this one for a while.
Its about Love and Respect. The more you show her you Love her, the more she will Respect you. This again will compound just as it does the other way. Your job is to Love her. Even with all her flaws. In doing so she will respond with Respect. She will be endeared to you. The more she Respects you the easier she will be to love.
You both have flaws. You both have done stupid things. You were not showing her Love and in return she did not Respect you.
When you look at the words it looks funny. You may say I need Love too. Let me point out that thru all this stuff did you really doubt that she loved you? Maybe for a "minute". She had herself convinced that you did not Love her. She could not see it, she could not feel it, she could not hear it. In that she lost Respect for who you were.
If you can show her you Love her in a way she understands you will never have to worry about this place again.
Some of the things that have happened in my life that have changed things around are as follows.
I kiss my wife everyday before I go to work. I have done it so much I don't even have to think about it anymore.
I try and stay up so that when she gets home from work we can talk. I have noticed she is coming in earlier and earlier. Our talks are longer.
I say thank you a lot. She does too.
When she asks me to do something I don't find it a bother anymore.
I hate text messaging. She likes to communicate that way. She texts me everyday asking about work.
Just a few things. I find she is seeking me out. Well, actually we are both seeking each other.
We just celebrated our 14 year anniversary. I took her to the Outback we used to go to when we were dating.
She has been talking about leaving her job. She says the people there have to much "Drama". These are the same people she was "going out" with 6 months ago.
Things are not perfect. We have money, kids, job, friends issues. But we have a good start. It gets better and better every day. She just left for work and she came out and game me a kiss and a hug and said see you tonight.
It is the simple things. As hard as it is to imagine.. It is.
Don't fall into the same old thing routine. Put your thinking cap on and come up with something you could do to make her see, feel and hear it. It could be something so simple as a pat of the but every time you walk by.
There is an old military saying.... KISS it.
Keep It Simple Stupid.
It applies in real life too. Don't look to be grand. Just something simple, that she connects to your Love.
Last edited by Forrest Gump; 04/05/0809:27 PM.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I want you to remember something. In many ways, your W is still REALLY, REALLY SCARED. She had made up her mind that her M was over - and believe me, she was not a happy person when she did that. Now, she sees hope for the two of you - do you understand how difficult it is for her to throw her heart and body and soul back into that relationship after having "failed" once? I think it actually takes a lot of guts for the WAS to come back, maybe more than for the LBS to recommit - because we never gave up like they did. Add a hearty helping of guilt on top of that - do you see how "putting herself out there again" would be just terrifying? So, when she is tentative, and insecure (I'm thinking back to the big party with your family), take it easy on her - let her come back at her own pace.
Hi Lanzo: Glad you found that worth remembering. Hang in there, you are doing great. Don't agonize so much about doing exactly the right thing at each moment - honest, your future doesn't depend on you making the perfect choice in each new situation that comes up. There will be baby steps forward, and mis-steps too - but give yourself permission to just do your best and learn from every mistake. You'll get there.
Side note to FG: Sorry that I missed the humor in the Great Shirt Discussion - duh, I'll try harder next time. Also, thanks SO much for the line-by-line disection of the rest of my post, complete with rulings on what percent right or wrong I was with every statement. It is SO helpful to have the detailed critique of somebody who knows absolutely everything.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Thanks for the comments, at the moment I don't feel the need to over analyse every incident at home which is why I don't journal so much now. In fact things have been running smoothly over the last few weeks with exception of sex, that I've been quite relaxed and just getting on with things. FG has been telling me since the start of the year that the sex thing would happen and this was at a time when W wouldn't even let me touch her. Now that it has happened it's come as a bit of a shock cos again as FG said it wasn't the kind of connection I was expecting so it's just gonna take me a short while to adjust to that.
I like to keep reminders of helpful hints and tips which is why I copied your post and some other bits from FG and Sandi cos I realise this DB way of working will by my support system to keep the M on track. I still make mistakes but I don't panic now looking for an answer to stay on W good side, main thing is not to let complacency set in.
Lan
PS: don't mind Forrest he came to my aid on day one when I had NFC what was going on in my sitch, he helped to steady me and point me in the right direction, a bit like I'm doing for Steve(477) so he's always gonna chip in on any post to my thread.
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