I'm not going to delve into background at all. I'll just follow the DB forward-looking strategy. I want to ask this now, when I'm in the current mood rather than wait until things are crappy. I just need some suggestions because I'm kind of like an 15th century scientist trying to figure out how to split an atom. I need some insight into the anatomy of a fight.
It has always been this way. If I have a disagreement with my wife (or even when she was just my gf), the fights follow the same pattern: Disagreement that is pretty brief, maybe a few sharp words and slightly irate voices, then an apology (ie sorry to snap at you), but there is like a period after that where either we both are crabby (or I'm perceiving her as snapping at me) or I think she's being really short with me. And I'm short with her and have kind of a pent up feel. This crabbiness may go on for several days or longer with just little mini-fights daily or every other day. Then eventually there may be a huge blow-out...angry words, angry actions, sulking, full-blown fight stuff that may take a day to get over. But after making up after the big blow-up, I feel really close to her. She seems sweeter, more open, I don't feel antsy, don't look for a fight, we kid around about the same things that previously would have made me snap at her. It's as though there is no fight left, just love. And it doesn't involve feeling better after make-up sex (if that's what you are thinking)...it's there before that. And it's kind of like a light-switch...one minute feeling one way and the next good with it. And it pretty much takes very little on her part...just looking happy, friendly, forgiving, and I feel good about it. But she tells me that it's a change in me that makes her that way. That until I become more accessable, she doesn't. We feed off each other's verbal and non-verbal cues.
I'd love to capture this so that disagreements don't escalate and harsh things don't have to be said. I'd like to figure out what makes resolution happen, but I really don't see it. My wife says that there is a difference in how I act and how I'm sorry about my role in the fight...like I mean it. So, how do I capture that sooner? No longer look for non-verbal cues? I can say that that's part of it because we often initially break the ice towards fixing things by e-mail. Ideas anyone? And please don't say..."red flag!"
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
It's sounds like these fights get out of hand pretty quickly. You can stop that by not letting it happen from your end - you can't control what she does. However, you can help tame them by making sure they stay focused.
Do they arise from something not really related? If you find you're the first one to snap at your W, then it's your job to identify what's really bothering you. If she snaps first, then you need to encourage her to tell you what's really on her mind.
Stay focused on the issue. Do not allow other things to get thrown in - they can be discussed at another time.
To have these things going on for days is just not healthy. I was told that when a disagreement occurred with my X we should hold hands immediately. I know it can be the last thing you want to do, but it is much harder to throw nasty comments at someone if you're holding their hand.
Assess the issue. Is it really worth the amount of anger going into it, or is it being fueled by a bad day or moment? Acknowledge that.
I can tell you from my perspective, you are probably playing, "well if she is pissed and not talking to me; I am not going to talk to her." And you go into a defensive posture, being short, arguing over likely unimportant issues, allowing yourself to be in a negative mood because of her negative mood.
Break the cycle. When you feel tensions begin to escalate, think about what your immediate reaction would be, then instead of acting reflexively, stop and think what you might do differently.
Ask questions, and ready, you know it is coming, LISTEN.
What happened to communication? Why would you let something go on and on for days? You learned so much and you were focused on what you did and didn't want. Haven't we all said that we would ask for what we want? Maybe you should take the lead,. Change the dance.
The next time this happens, tell her what you're feeling and ask for her to do the same. Time is precious and you're wasting it by letting hurt and resentment drag on.
You said that your wife mentioned that there is a difference in how you act and how you say your sorry. Go to the source. Ask her.
What happened to communication? Why would you let something go on and on for days? You learned so much and you were focused on what you did and didn't want. Haven't we all said that we would ask for what we want? Maybe you should take the lead. Change the dance.
The next time this happens, tell her what you're feeling and ask for her to do the same. Time is precious and you're wasting it by letting hurt and resentment drag on.
You said that your wife mentioned that there is a difference in how you act and how you say you're sorry. Go to the source. Ask her to tell you how it makes her feel and you do the same.
I sometimes do the same thing with people that are close to me. I talked it through with my C during my M days.
I disagree, apologize - think I am done. But in my case, I am a little slow. My subconscious is not okay with the resolution of the disagreement. And well - my conscious doesn't feel right but hasn't figured out why. I am externally crabby in reaction to my subconscious.
And the discomfort builds up and builds up on a subconscious level with me reacting more and more - until I blow up!
My C told me to handle this by telling the person I am feeling crabby towards tht I am feeling crabby but don't know why yet. And I find if I acknowledge consciously that I am not okay with things - the conscious sometimes figures it out. And it helps if the other person acknowledges that I am not feeling right and it is okay. And it seems to diffuse the big blow up.
Each cycle is a little easier. Of course there will always be fights and some blow ups. But this helped me when I was M.
I'd love to capture this so that disagreements don't escalate and harsh things don't have to be said.
As simple as it may sound, it really is this simple to me (if you've made changes in your ability to communicate effectively from your end) -- choose to genuinely LOVE when this pattern begins to develop. Look at the grand scheme of things and at what you're arguing about. Is it so important to be right during all or most of these fights? Everytime this pattern starts forming, step away from the tree and see the forest.
My old IC helped me to understand that anger is a secondary emotion that stems from a primary emotion (embarrassment, guilt, fear, sadness, impatience, etc). I was taught that as soon as I began getting angry, I needed to stop and consider what the primary emotion (or the real issue at hand) was that was fueling my anger. Once I identified it, I dealt with it in a reasonable manner and kept the anger at bay. Of course, I don't ALWAYS catch myself, but I'm pretty darn good at it anymore. The more I practice it, the better engrained it is.
Of course, you can always agree to strip naked and THEN argue -- that might quell the fight! Wish I could remember which book that is from (always loved it!).
Glad to be able to reciprocate some ideas and perspectives to YOU for once! lol
I need some insight into the anatomy of a fight.