So 4 years ago my W had a one time sexual encounter (she says & I do believe her) with a colleague. He works withing walking distance of her office and they have had a "normal" working relationship before this. BTW I have known of this affair later in the year that it happened. At the time learning of it brought us together and we decided to not talk about it again once we decided to stay together. It was my understanding then that they would no longer work so closely and communicate less. Fastforward to about a month ago. I needed to get some more info and hopefully closure on this topic. So I asked some questions that had been in my head. Found out they still talk and work together from time to time & that they never talk about what had happened and that it is as if it never happened between them. He is married w/kids too. Again I believe her. However, I have access to her cell records so one day I just looked and found out she talks to him fairly often. Lately I have been checking her call log on her cell and just about everyday they call eachother. Currently we are going thru probably the worst time we have ever been thru in the past 8 years. I am fearful that she is going to him for Emotionnal support or somthing like that. When our "mess" started last Sunday, I actually said I don't think either of us should consult opposite sex friends IE "that guy from before." Funny thing is she did not really agree or say no to that. So again, I may just be paranoid about this...I feel like a stalker checking on her call logs etc, but I really want to make us work and so does she. So my real question here is do I share with her that I have been looking at her phone logs etc? Do I stop doing it? Revisit the conversation about the affair again? Unfortunatly my gut tells me there is something going on, but at the moment, I don't trust my gut as life seems to be in a bit of a tailspin! Thanks to all that are here & respond.
Last edited by erik89; 04/04/0805:18 PM.
ME 33 W 37 Together 8 M: 5+ disconnected: 5 D: 2 D: 3
No, I don't think you're being paranoid. I would feel the same way. Is it a good idea to revist the conversation? I don't know. If she's reaching out to him (which I agree is inappropriate), you may push her to reach out even more.
You said you're going through the worst time in all your years together. What's happening?
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
You should calmy ask her about her contact with him and see if she replies honesty about it or denies it. If she denies it then mention to her that you have seen the phone bill and ask what it means.
That's what I think you should do,
I called my H at work hysterical asking if he was leaving me for the person he was calling on the phone, not as much what you should do...
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
I would definatley ask her about their contact. Calmy... I know that will be hard, but you won't get anywhere by yelling.
If she denies it, you need to confront her and ask what the calls are for.. Some people may disagree with me, but I like things out in the open, no secrets, there is no sense in brushing it under the rug, you need to know, therefore you will know where you stand and if you are both going to go forward openly and honest to try and fix your M.
Good luck.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
One of the things I need to work on is being more open & no so vague. I don't want to look like a freak checking up on her phone stuff. I am worried like the first reply said that it would push her further away. I am trying to get her to go to therapy w/me. I hope to bring up the affair in a safer environment where there is some mediation. We don't yell or fight at all...we can talk "nice" no problem. So being calm is easy. I dunno I think I will wait for now. I have an urge to confront the guy & be a jerk...but that is not me. I am not like that. It is more of a daydream of me punching him in the face, but again, not reality for me. Plus they are ATTYs so whole other bag of problems if I did that! :-) Another thing I am working on is to get EVERYTHING out in the open...I have a hard time giving myself the value to share all. I often feel like what I have to share isn't that important. Or life prevents me from speaking up. Too busy tending to kids, house, work, etc. BLAH (sigh) I need to hit the gym tonight to kick my own ass a bit!
ME 33 W 37 Together 8 M: 5+ disconnected: 5 D: 2 D: 3
As someone who has dealt with my H's affair, the phone thing is a tricky situation.
I found a cell phone I never knew H had (he had one I knew about, called him on, etc, and then I found ANOTHER one, in our bed one night! must have been sleeping with it.....). Anyway I snuck the phone away, read all 300 texts in it (and that was just from a 4 week time period, about 10 msgs per day back/forth), and confronted H. Even hid the phone from him for 3 days. Obviously bad move. He painted me the evil spy wrecking his fun and violating "his" trust? Also OW texted me calling me a phone thief...
But a couple months later after "it" was supposedly over, I went online and saw the cell bill that nothing had changed. He called that night to chit chat, was out of town on business trip. I asked if he still talked to OW, he said no, I mentioned seeing the phone bill online, he then admitted everything, that they were back together, etc......he says he ended it the next day but you never know in these situations.
So you may get results bringing it up, you may not. She may just paint you as the snooping bad guy and confide in the other guy about how "controlling" you are?
So basically you are screwed either way! I actually do believe her that their relationship is strictly business, but there is still that nagging feeling that I am wrong. I think what gets me is his number isn't programed in the phn so she dials it or call him back after he calls her. That to me is sneaky, but then again, my W is not a tech person by any means. The only way I put it together was I google'd the number and got the name, which is his work line. So far I cannot seem to locate his cell #, so that makes me feel better too. I think if the Fit hadn't hit the Shan recently then I would not be so uneasy about all of this. Calgon take me away!!! See, I give myself mixed signals on the whole sitch. In a nutshell I drive myself mad!
ME 33 W 37 Together 8 M: 5+ disconnected: 5 D: 2 D: 3
Erik, IMHO you have to listen to your gut like puppy says. I know I tried to ignore mine and it was the worst mistake I have ever made.
If you can ask her about her contact with OM and remain calm then it might be a conversation worth having. You have to value you enough to ask the really tough questions.
Good luck.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
How does the OMW fell about the continued contact?? Or did you make the misstake of not telling her. That would explained the continued contact. Not telling always leads to continued contact.
