WAS-I could use some input!

[dbs]

I believe that any of the was posting on here provide a valuable insight for us lbs, even though I know every sitch is different.

My wife has been out of the house for about 8 months, and filed a week before leaving without any notice.

The first 3 months after she left we dated and had some great conversations. I did the big no-no with pleading, begging, crying and lecturing.

In early Jan she filed a po for no apparant reason and there has been no contact since. It has helped me get a rationale handle on my emotions and move forward in life in a positive way.

We have a daughter getting married in a few months and some other family gatherings in the same time frame. She has told the kids she is going to modify or drop the po so we can plan the wedding.

I am VERY cautious at this point and will let her do all the iniating and contact. I plan on being friendly enough and to make this wedding as enjoyable for our daughter as possible, but not sure what all I should and should not do.

I would like to see the marriage work, but am skeptical that things can be improved with her attitude that all 30 years has been bad (or so she says).

Ideas??????? Thanks!!!!!

[germ04]

Can you use your adult children to be an intermediary? Not that you want to get them overly involved but you could have them try to figure out what is going on.

[DanceQueen]

Hello DBS, I am sorry that you need to be here due to your sitch.

I was a WAW...my story is over on "newcomers" forum called "new here...getting acquainted". Its long and boring and may or may not have anything in it that may help you...but just letting you know its there.

Have you read up all you can about mid-life crises? This is apparently what your wife is doing, just based on the little info you gave. Someone in an MLC can just turn into a complete alien and suddenly do and say things they never would have before, including walking away from spouse, family, their own kids, jobs, taking up with another person who is a low-life, spending all the family money on something frivolous...you get the idea. The thing with an MLC is that they are nearly insane as this is happening, so it really helps if you can detach from the person at least temporarily so that you won't be rocked to the core by their hurtful statements. From what I understand, many or most MLC people do eventually come back and land on earth again, but by then many times the damage is too great for the left behind spouse to handle and they don't want the MLC spouse anymore.

In my sitch, I walked away, but not in the midst of an MLC, I actually asked and begged my husband to pursue me and win me back and I gave him the instructions on how to do so. But I think when I left, it prompted HIM into going into an MLC, and suddenly - after he told me he'd pursue me and make it better, instead he ignored me, eventually "hated" me, won't speak to me, abandoned our son financially, emotionally and then physically, and went off and did his own thing including buying a new car with money stolen from our marriage assets. So I doubt that my sitch is close to yours, but my thread may still help you to read it anyway. I'm not sure how to link it or I would do that.

Hang in there and keep posting! You are going to need lots of help and support.

DanceQueen

[dbs]

Thx DQ. I like DQ. Blizzards are one of my faves.
I think my wife had the MLC 15 years ago when she had her PA after several ea's. I am no expert, but I tend to think she is going through "the change" along with focusing on unmet en's for years, our bedroom relationship and how it relates to her sexual abuse as an adolescent, and of course my faults and shortcomings.

The po she had served on me 3 months ago has actually helped me get a handle on things emotionally and with no contact I have stopped being rocked up and down with her wanting me there and then not.

I did recieve some mail last week that she could have very well sent to my daughter that lives with me, or through her attorney. The po mentions that there is to be no 3rd party contact (family) for me contacting her. Also my daughter that lives with me had a b-day party for her 5 yr old son yesterday and called me while I was out of town to ask me if I was coming. I replied that because my wife had asked earlier in the week if I was going to be there, I did not dare attend as the po states that I cannot be within 100 yards of her. My daughter was a little po'd at me because she said that my wife had told her she would not be attending and now both of us would not be there. I apoligized and let her know that I would always be at family functions if I could, but that I just would not take the chance of getting arrested.

Well when I got home later in the day, guess what? My wife had just driven the 100 miles to come to the b-day party unannounced, even though she thought I would be there. I am not sure what to make of that, but 2 of my daughters have told her that she won't have to worry about me bugging her anymore as I was moving on with life and she looked more than amazed. What gives with this? I certainly cannot figure her out. And I am slowly starting to wonder if indeed I would want to be married to someone who will not share her dissapointments, runs to other men for en's and leaves a marriage with no prior notice, along with deserting her own kids. I cut her alot of slack because I do not think she is emotionally and mentally all here right now, but it leaves me wondering where her responsibility comes to work on her end of things, and how much I can really do for the marriage without her also doing some things.

I'll continue to change and make myself better no matter what, becuase I will be the beneficiary regardless, but I could no way survive round 3 of this carousal.

[whitneypinch]

Hey Dance Queen what did you do to indicate to your husband to pursue you ?
I want to know so that if my WAW shows me I will see it. My WAW dropped the bomb Dec. 03. we have 2 young kids. She has really started to come around in the last week to start working through co-parenting issues. In the mean time we are indirectly working through how to comunicate with each other, plan financially, split parnenting tasks etc. All the stuff we did not do when we were married.
So, I want to try to build our relationship from this point. She even asked me to come to a spring fair at our daughters school in a few weeks.

[DanceQueen]

Hi Whitney,

I told my husband directly when I moved out, that I wanted him to pursue me and date me as if we were newly involved - - in other words, I wanted him to go into hot pursuit, call me, ask me out, make out with me on dates, get himself dressed and spruced up, be prepared with stimulating topics to talk about, bring flowers (or other thoughtful gestures), charm me, talk to me like he was hot for me, things like that. As you said, all the stuff he didnt do when we were married! But most couples do these things when they are courting.

But without knowing your sitch, I can't say whether or not your wife wants you to go into full pursuit mode or not. Maybe to her that would seem stifling. So what has she said so far if anything? Has she told you upfront she wants you to pursue her?

DanceQueen

[whitneypinch]

hi, thanks for that. unfortunately that is the opposite to my WAW. She left in Dec. and has not said a single word about us. All we talk about is the kids. She wants us all to be close friends for the kids. When she has the kids she sends me photos of them off her phone and asks me to do that same. She says she is very happy now and wishes me to find happiness. I have done it all, 180's, GAL, in shape, great job, changed who I am. I have been doing therapy. EVERYTHING. It's been 4 months for us. She asked me yesterday if I wanted to come to an outdoor fair at my daughters school in 4 weeks. I said yes but was concerned what message it would send to our 2 kids (5 and 3). I am dying inside to just be able to talk to her about us but know not to. Sometimes I speak of my changes and she says she is happy for me.
It's like she is a piece of ice. Maybe it is still too soon. I go days without getting a text from her. All our texts are about our kids. Now that things have settled down she and I have been texting about co-parenting. We have worked out financial planning, spiting up responsibilities, and have identified better ways to communicate to each other so that no one is hurt or angry. Basically we have done EVERTHING that we should have when we were married, but did not.
I am just hurt inside so much that I just can't tell her anything. She knows I love her and would like to get back together. She makes sure that not a single word of encouragement come out her mouth towards me. She is very cold and calculated in that way. She knows if she slips that I will grab onto that as an opening to hope.

[whitneypinch]

Ok,DQ,
So my wife and I have been texting like crazy about the kids mostly BUT we have started to try to work on better ways to comunicate to each other. We have started to tell each other when we are hurt and the other ends up appologizing. This is something we did not do while we were married. So do I just keep my distance and let her come to me? I don't know if she just wants to be friends or is feelng something else but we are doing all the goods things. We are saying really nice things to each other and functioning well. I am now just asking "why are we divorcing whn we are getting along so well"?
So how do i move forward. Remember my WAW asked me to come to a school function on May 4th that we will all be together at.

[whitneypinch]

Just to clarify "why are we divorcing when we are getting along so well"? is a question I am asking mayself and I am not saying that to her. I wonder if she is asking herself that question?