Cake eating or progress?

[Trixi]

Well, now I have really gone and done it.

I made up a match profile called "kiss my arse (his initial)" and viewed his profile. I almost expected that he had added photos from our trip- luckily he didn't. BUT, he does list himself as divorced, not separated. Because I looked at his profile, he will be emailed. Maybe I should upload my cutest pic from the trip so that when he clicks to see who check him out, he sees MEEEEE!

I *could* go and delete the profile I just made and then he wouldn't be able to tell it was me that looked at his profile, but....
Damnit, I just don't know what to do!!!

Someone, please, talk me down- I feel crazy right now!

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Trixi)))))
Do you really want him to know? Really?

If you do, would it be better to just tell him? And ask him what's up? Is it a deal breaker for you that he is on? Or only if he tries to meet someone?

Breathe.

[Trixi]

I deactivated my profile, so no, I guess I don't want him to know (at least not like that). I think that I was especially keen on the idea that he would be all excited to see who viewed is profile and then to read that the name was "kissmyarseJ" and a picture of me (or us) might have made his stomach drop.

It would be more mature of me to ask what is up; I am not feeling terribly mature right now.

You ask if it is a deal breaker for him to be on there or only if he tries to meet someone...Isn't that *why* he is on? to meet someone? Yeah, I think it's a deal breaker, in the sense that I won't be seeing him anymore. I still hope to salvage the marriage, but it isn't going to happen if he is dating (or attempting to date) other people.

If I met a guy off match, we were sleeping together, we just went away on an exotic vacation where ILYs were exchanged, and then I found him poking around on match, I would be done with him. Is that unreasonable? Am I throwing the baby out with the bath water?

I don't even know what to say "Gee, honey, we had a great time in CR and so I decided to see if you are active on match, and you are- what's up?"? "Hey- are you looking to date other women?"? I suppose I could turn a blind eye, but that doesn't seem wise either.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

[Virtually_Handsome]

I think deactivating the profile was the right thing to do.

After you get your feet under you, you can think about how you want to handle this. I can sure understand your anger and frustration right now. What he is doing doesn't seem to be matching what he is saying.

[Trixi]

This blows.
Given his frustation at my impatience, I don't feel like I have the leverage to say that I don't like him being on match.

It seems eerily similar to last fall when we were "dating" and I asked if we were exclusively dating and he said "so far, yeah." It was not long after that convo that things started quickly going (back) downhill.

How does he go from being so loving/accepting/oogly googly to trolling match????

[Bworl]

I may be out of line here, but...what the heck.

The answer to your question is because he is a sick piece of crap right now.

And I don't mean literally sick.

But you knew this already.

Two PA's while separated?

I just read about your great trip to Costa Rica, so I completely understand why this would be devastating. I will say that from my perspective, the man is still in la la land as regards what exactly his future plans are.

You regroup. Take a step back. Think about your ultimate goal, realize that this is yet another example of the mess he has generally been making of his and your lives, and figure out how you get it back together.

Trust already needs to be restored. This is yet another one for him to eventually atone for.

As Jeff said, breathe.

In the heat of this moment, you don't want to make any decisions regarding your desire to continue trying or not. Give it a day or so at least.

Then realize that only you can decide when you've had enough. For some strange reason, I don't think you're there yet.


Blessings,

Bill

[Trixi]

I don't even know how to broach the subject with him- which is why there is a certain appeal to having a profile name that sort rips on him with a picture of the two of us from the trip.

See, and now, the rationalization begins...."well, it's *not* like he's *with* another woman. Lot's of people here (on DB.com) are fighting to save a marriage where the spouse is actively cheating." "He *is* going out on dates with you." "He did say he wants to take Spanish lessons with you."

What about how people thought we were newlyweds? What about him saying he loves me more than anyone else in the whole world???

I feel like I am losing my mind. I see how he looks at me; I know how he kisses me; I know what he said-- WTH is he doing on match???

Edited to add- if I "ignore" this, how am I supposed to not hold back with him?

[Trixi]

Okay- just got off the phone with my girlfriend who walked me thru a game plan.
First off, she said that it could be "innocent" in that he might have logged on just out of curiosity. I know that I, myself, have gotten emails saying "someone looked at your profile" and I have logged in just to see who it was. And I had NO intention of going out with whomever it was.

So her suggestion was that the situation is really two fold. The first question to ask is "Are we dating exclusively?" If the answer is "Yes", then the second question/statement is "Because I knew you had been on match previously, I was curious and saw that your profile is still active. Since we're exclusive, I disabled my yahoo acct and would appreciate if you would the same to your match acct." I should say it without being pissy or whiny.

What do you guys think?

[Virtually_Handsome]

Hmmmmm,
You know him. What's he going to think? If he going to think you were snooping, or checking upon him? Or was that part of the deal?

On the whole, I think I like it, but you have to be ready for the answer you don't want to hear. Are you?

[pegasus]

I think that is a good idea. While the revenge thing sounds good and actually feels good(FOR ALL OF TWO SECONDS) then matters are 10x worse. I know I been there. Revenge just isn't worth it.