Hi again - I'm oh so tentatively posting over here in Piecing agian. I know many of you already and will get to know the others soon, I am sure. <waving>
I forget, do you do the drink thing over here? If so lemme know what to pour for ya.
Here's a link to my prior thread over in the Separated forum: NikB #25
jak and Michelle - thanks for your posts!
jak I think "feel the fear and do it anyway" should be my personal motto. I let fear stop me from SO many things.
As a very very quick recap beyond what's in my signature - basically the latest is that H has not officially recommitted, but his behavior has indicated lately that he is committed or at least trying to be. I am trying to do the same.
At this very moment - I am working on my courage to talk to him about a pic I found completely by accident on his new phone. Many more details on the last 2 pages of my prior thread, but basically I found a pic of H and OW skiing - she texted it to him on his new phone. At first I freaked out but then realized the pic is at least 4-6 weeks old (forget when he last went skiing but it's been awhile). And it could have been as far back as last Nov., when we were talking sep.
So... I need to talk to him about it and really it's time for some sort of R talk just to see where we're both at, but I keep chickening out. Working on that courage as we speak.
I've been here before and know just how tough this Piecing thing is. Sure hope I/we can do better at it this time around.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Sure hope I/we can do better at it this time around.
You will do better this time around~ What you focus on expands.... Think positive and be the change you want to see in him. One person can change a Relationship. All my best to you... God bless.....
Not to get you down... but... don't you think you should move here when you KNOW that you are both in the M together and working on it together?
I just don't want you to get ahead of H and thereby push him away. H has got to be part of the reconcilliation/rebuilding. Don't try to do it on your own, in private without H being in on the secret.
So Nikb is NOT separated so why should she be in separated? Piecing to me means just that YOU are working on your marriage. I think the Positive atmosphere here helps me. I think infidelity would not be a good place for her because she has no proof that it IS happening. Think positive thoughts NikB. There is no law... you can always move back if ya want BUT... I say if you take on the attitude of piecing... there is a better chance of it that sitting around thinking this sucks. If ya sit around as say that enough to your self guess what.... IT WILL SU@K....
Welcome NikB ....this is a PMA from your old thread.....See the ball.... BE THE BALL....
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
My concern is exactly what I said — that she is getting ahead of her H. How exactly does anyone know whether Nikki's H is still mentally separated or not? They are certainly not at a point where they are openly communicating about an M that they both want to save and make a great R.
IMHO, too many people try to work piecing one-sided. The M is held together in a shaky way for a couple of years, and then falls apart. You can work on trying to be an attractive partner by yourself. You can try to keep the door open to reconcilliation by yourself. But an M is a relationship between two people.
Nikki has been holding things together too long by herself. Her re-entry back into her M will be much better with a partner by her side, one that she KNOWS is by her side.
Certainly, though, I don't think that sitting around thinking things suck is really going to get anyone anywhere. But, that is easily avoidable by owning one's choices and one's happiness.
OT I really appreciate your concern, thanks. I agree - it's premature to be here. I definitely don't feel that I can rebuild on my own and I don't even know if that's where he's at right now. My thread just locked at a confusing time.
I know we're very much in limbo, I just don't fit into any of the main "categories" at the moment - we're not separated or D'ing , I'm unsure about infidelity but have reason to think it's mostly over, and I'm definitely not a newcomer. So... crossing my fingers and posting here, but knowing that I can't do it alone. In fact I think that is a lot of what went wrong last time - we were each working on our own versions of rebuilding and reconciling instead of approaching it as a team effort.
Which leads me to.. no, I haven't talked to him about the pic yet. I have reasons but recognize that most (all?) are excuses based on fear. I am working hard on jak's "feel the fear but do it anyway" comment from my last thread. I have literally opened my mouth about 3 times now to have the talk, only to have other things come out (and I later get mad at myself for not just saying it). I am consuming myself with the "What ifs" and all the possible outcomes of the conversation. I KNOW better in my head..I realize that this fear is getting in the way big time, both for me personally and for our R. It's the forcing myself to act on it and "do it anyway" that I am struggling with.
H I actually understand where OT is coming from and agree that Piecing is only truly possible when we're BOTH working on the M. Otherwise I'd say about 95% of the LBS' here would be in Piecing since we/they are all trying to fix the M without the WAS.
I made that mistake before - me working on it in my way while H worked on it his way, and it didn't/doesn't work. Just brought an analogy to my head - I kind of feel like I'm in one room of the house working on what I think will help us reubuild while H is in another room doing the same. (I know this latter part may or may not be correct, but I'm going on history and recent actions as my guess where he's at). I need to go knock on the door and find out if our goals are the same or at least similar - and if so, let's meet in the family room and work on it TOGETHER.
I hope that makes some sort of sense.. the picture is very clear in my mind.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
What you focus on expands.... Think positive and be the change you want to see in him. One person can change a Relationship.