I've heard some people talk favorably about marriagebuilders.com and I know that there are some great folks over on EDITED--ADVERTISING IS NOT ALLOWED
LOL! Well, Hairdog, I guess I won't be finding the edited site - too bad. I made it here too late to see your suggestion. I expect the sales pitches - I mean this is a business afterall, and a worthwhile one. And I don't even feel like they're sales pitches. I feel like my issue is out of reach for everyone here. I feel like our issue is beyond laymen, if you will. Although the one suggestion I saw on Alimand's thread about renting a posh hotel room and sitting around naked intrigued me. I even asked H if he'd do it - his response? "I don't really like being naked." Ok, then. That's not going to work. But I'm getting the impression that there aren't really solutions for my sitch out there. I'm left to think that coaching is my last opportunity to turn things around. I need a set of fresh ideas.
But the money sitch is a real money sitch. I spend 150 bucks an hour in C, and though I don't go as often, all of that came out of my pocket - non of it was covered by insurance. So that sucked. Then Retrouvaille was another 400 bucks - not bad considering - but still, more money out of pocket. And neither of those worked. So is coaching the answer? Are the sessions with a coach really going to do what communication with my H (Retrouvaille) or Cognitive Behavior Therapy couldn't? I don't think so, but I don't know for sure. I'm just skeptical and I feel like it's gimmicky. But I felt that Retrouvaille was gimmicky, in a way, as was counseling. I mean all of these organziations make money off of issues, not successes. So, I don't know. I guess I thought I'd throw my sitch out on the boards first to see what kind of ideas would be generated.
Hi Saffie - I knew that my wedding night wasn't going to be bells and whistles. In conversations with my friends afterwards so many of them admitted to having horrible honeymoons. Even my mother said, "honeymoons are wasted on newlyweds" and she doesn't even know my honeymoon story. But my H did think his honeymoon was going to be fantastic. He thought it was going to be blissful and everything would come easily. And it didn't. and it took him a long time to get passed that...I think he's still dealing with it. And that's difficult.
So, let me ask all of you that have passed by my thread - What would you do in this sitch to turn it around? I'm open to any and all suggestions - I actually welcome them. Let's brainstorm some solutions - attempts at solutions - crazy-balls-to-the-wall solutions (pardon the pun!)
***I just wanted to edit this to say: that Retrouvaille and C did help me tremendously deal with the pain in my M and it helped my H and I develop a bond - they just didn't go deep enough to really fix the intimacy. I don't want to give the impression that they didn't help at all, I just feel like we're stuck getting to the next level.***
We do date each other - we go out to eat about once a week at a restaurant and we usually talk non-stopy. We don't go to the movies anymore - too expensive - but we usually sit down together one or two nights a week to watch TV and or movies that we rent. We make dinner together every night and eat together every night.
Hmm...now I'm thinking it's too much time together - perhaps a little distance would help???
I'm really sad and alarmed to hear that you husband thinks that the relationship can "fix itself on its own" and that MC would not be helpful to you two.
PLEASE....I am divorced, and I had exactly the above attitude. See where it got me? DIVORCED.
I was naive to think that a relationship can fix itself on its own. This is absolutely not true. Couples need help in fixing their problems.
Please do whatever you can, find research about this and print it off for him, or whatever...to at the very least convince him that MC can and does help. I'm not saying it fixes all problems or that you may not still end up divorced if you go to MC. But I can almost guarantee that you will end up D'd if you don't at least try. There are situations within a relationship that the two people who GOT THEM INTO that situation cannot fix themselves. That old saying "you can't fix the problem with the same type of thinking that created the problem" holds true here.
Please don't let your husband think this can fix itself.
Hi DanceQueen - I certainly will, when the time is right, bring up C again. However, I have learned a few things about my H in this process. I can't control what he thinks. I can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do. At times I can't even speak about a topic as he will just brush it away and or stonewall me. He will listen, but he will not engage in conversation about a topic he is not ready to be engaged in.
I already know from suggesting C 2 years ago, that he will not commit to a long standing weekly appointment with a C. He will not do that. As a matter of fact he did Retrouvaille for that very reason. He would/can/could commit to a weekend - he would not commit to long term therapy. I already know that is a boundary with him. So, I guess I can research intensive weekends and see if I can get him to do one of those - but he is greatly opposed to going and sitting in "someones" office once a week for months on end. He firmly believes that we, as humans, are products of our choices/experiences and that 99% of all problems can be solved with mind over matter and prayer. and he believes that this is one of those cases and that with time he will become more comfortable with the idea/activity and it will happen naturally.
I must also restate that I have recently spoken to him about my concerns and I have seen a change in him.
So while I don't disagree with you that C can help us, I have no way of convincing H of that. It is a cheeseless tunnel that I have ventured down on previous occassions and I'm not willing to battle him over it. If there is another way that I can get this to occur on my end, without having to drag him or convince him of where the help is I am all for it.
And quite frankly, I've basically done what I can in terms of therapy. It really is a couples problem that both people have to be actively looking for a solution to. I think my H is looking for a solution, I just don't think he's going about it the way I am. And I don't think he's gotten to the point, yet, where he is willing to try everything and anything to get there. Which is why my C suggested that I leave him. She thinks it will be the catalyst for change. I think it's manipulative and a breech of trust. You don't walk away from an R just because your needs aren't being met. You find ways to work through the issue.
Edited to say this: neither of us are looking for a way out of this M. We both stared that decision in the eyes a year ago and made the decision to stay together. If I were going to divorce him the papers would have already been signed by now. Will he divorce me? Hmmm...I find that highly unlikely. He will say, at least weekly, how glad he is that we are together and we made it through.
I'm actually not afraid he would divorce you. I'm afraid that eventually, you will divorce him.
But again...I trust you know your H and your sitch well enough to know that you are taking the best possible route for yourself at this time. I just really freak out when I hear that anyone thinks a relationship can "fix itself" as I know from experience that only naivety causes this thought. You may even call it ignorance - we are ignorant of the fact that relationships (specifically marriages) are not like other things in life that can be fixed with mind over matter and prayer alone. I too fix most of my problems in exactly that way - - but marriage and relationships are so much different.
As in a business relationship, if you are partners with someone else and you are finding yourself at odds with your partner and you do not agree on things, you seek the counsel of your peers, elders, or lawyers. If you tried to just assume the business partnership would fix itself with prayer only, but the other partner is not praying for the same outcome that you are, then you can't expect God to go against your partner's true wishes just to meet yours. I hope that makes any sense...
I am sorry, I'm not preaching to you and again, I trust you know your sitch best and are doing your best.
And this the exact beliefs that brought me here. If I could get my H to attend MC, I wouldn't be here at all. Right now we'd be working through some homework while preparing for our next session with our fantastic counselor who is supporting us as we discover intimacy in our R. But that isn't an option in my M. Not right now, anyway. So, this site, (and DR/DB)I am hoping, will provide me with some new ways of looking at this situation. I want to avoid the cheeseless tunnels and begin brainstorming ideas that might work. I KNOW that C could work for us, with the right C, H doesn't. And he's not even receptive to having a conversation about it. Again, H and I are working toward the same goal, we're just working in different ways. I think my way is guaranteed to work, he thinks his way is guaranteed to work. I feel like I'm being proactive, so does he. I'm not seeing changes quickly enough...he's probably seeing things change at just the right pace. So, here I am...
I don't get this - the marriagebusters reference can stay but referral to the EDITED--ADVERTISING NOT ALLOWED [/i site is advertising? Oh, I guess because MB is perhaps in the referral base but the new [i]EDITED--ADVERTISING NOT ALLOWED .site isn't. That's too bad - I have gotten a lot more support there than I ever did here. Instead of just venting and spinning in circles I have actually been able to start focusing on my enabling behaviors and finding some great support, including being referred to many of the same resources listed here, and have seen some referrals to the SSM book - I own both books but am not sure I will invest in any more. I actually found both the SSM and SSW very eye opening, but I would rather have a more rounded focus on marriage and intimacy building. It is a GOOD thing to have our narrow focus shaken up a bit - without the thought provoking conversations I doubt that I would have been able to break free from my ineffective wheel spinning and started on the path to real growth - although I have a LONG way to go yet...... The more diverse the community and approaches to problems that are pretty much variations of a universal theme, the better chance that someone will find the key to break free and finally find the strength and knowledge to make effective change....
Last edited by sgctxok; 04/05/0801:36 PM.
“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about getting out there and dancing in the rain."
The more diverse the community and approaches to problems that are pretty much variations of a universal theme, the better chance that someone will find the key to break free and finally find the strength and knowledge to make effective change....
~this is fantastic..... I do think this is so true when I first started posting here on the DB board ( not ssm per se*) there was such a response and lots of 2x4's as they are lovingly reffered to. I dont see much of that Passion anymore around here. I read posts that seem to be like your MOM or Dad is over your shoulder and people are not posting what others really need to help them change. Just my 2 cents but I would love to see this board be the way it used to be .....thought provoking and a place to provoke change.
I do think this is so true when I first started posting here on the DB board ( not ssm per se*) there was such a response and lots of 2x4's as they are lovingly reffered to. I dont see much of that Passion anymore around here.
That's because most of the passionate users were, in essence, chased away by increasingly restrictive rules.
Plus, I'm not sure what they define as "advertising," if they allow a reference to marriagebuilders.com, a website which sells Dr. Harley's books, dvds, personal coaching sessions with him, etc., and they don't allow a link to another site which shall not be named, that sells nothing at all.
You said that you don't see the passion around here anymore. I hear you. It's just so very sad to me to drop in here from time to time and see this place that I used to come to for solace and comfort and support. Now, I can hardly even search for my old posts as that function seems to be mostly crippled.
If you hunt around on this site, you might be able to find some unredacted reference to the site which shall not be named. And, just so you know, your situation is not so outrageous or unique or beyond help. It's not your ordinary sitch, for sure.
I can tell you with confidence that, people are reading your posts and want to help.
Hairdog, who hopes you can find your way from the inside out.
