T--I know I know. I need to catch up. But, i wrote something big on my thread...
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Just a song (like he did) that you like, that you send him, without asking anything about it, not even if he likes it, for me could do that.
A piece in a newspaper that you can scan and sent him about something you know he would be interested in, with a note "I thought you'd like that" could do that. No questions, nothing.
K, thank you so much for your thoughts. Are you suggesting -contact him in the above way instead of calling him on the phone? -contact him in the above way in addition to calling him on the phone?
What are your timeframe/spacing thoughts... my gut is telling me 3ish weeks... it's already been one week.
I just don't want to suddenly bombard him with a bunch of stuff. Maybe I am misunderstanding the difference between NC and bombarding.
But I do have a whole long list of things like this I could do, from when I thought I'd need to do it *before* we talked on the phone. Like: -instructions on how to make your own beer -a funny card -links to a ridiculous cello concerto -ethiopian jazz mp3, etc.
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Especially with your trip to NY you need to at least have made some contact prior to just telling him to meet up there.
What I am planning is... a few more contacts (hopefully a few more conversations then mention I will be there if he doesn't ask to see me, then ask to see him.
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You have all the tools, the knowledge, the discipline, you have to revisit your goals re him and your R (no need to set goals for youself, you are already ahead by ...my estimate 5 years at this point) and ACT.
Thank you for saying this, K I definitely need to revisit my goals for the R. That is a good assignment, and I will post the results!
Right now I'd say the overall goals are: -for me to be accepting of whoever he is (NO CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR) -to connect in a light and friendly way -continue to build tiny bridges of friendship -show who I am NOW... create a new dynamic from my new dynamic WITHIN & including some of the older goals.. -he will call me or contact me for some reason (other than calling me back) -he will touch me FOR ANY REASON
Can I tell you something really weird? For some reason now that things are starting to happen, I feel like I can turn my attention and energy to other things in my life. Like now that there is actually contact, I feel I don't need to think about this all the time. Isn't that weird?? K, you are amazing.
I think you may have to be brave at some point soon and take the risk.. mention you will be coming to NYC and casually ask/say hey we could meet up?
Don't worry, this is part of the plan!!!! It is just a question of the timing.
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You really do have a lot of strings to your bow, as the saying goes, so I think you should hold your head high and think he will want to meet you for coffee, whatever, when you are in NY.
Ali, thank you so much for this I think he will want to meet me for whatever also. I am actually not sure what it means to have a lot of strings to your bow... .can you explain that? I am envisioning like a bow and arrow that has a lot of strings across it (but would that make it harder to shoot the arrow)? Or a cello bow, but the strings go on the cello, and then there are no strings on the bow.... oh man I am so confused
((((ALI))) thank you always for your thoughts T
P.S. When I do see him, it may be around his birthday, so I will have a PRIME opportunity to ask him about the exact date and location of his birth, for future astrological reference!!!! dontcha worry, I'll just slip it in there, really casual
Trying to set a timetable is tricky, but to me four weeks sounds too long. By calling you back he at least indicated that he wants to talk to you. My gut says closer to two, maybe three. And I would make sure I did it on a different say of the week, so it doesn't look like you are watching the calendar.
Jeff, thank you so much for your manly take on the timing. 2 maybe three is my feeling also.
Don't worry, I am DEFINITELy going to call at a different day and time There is noon wednesday yoga class I am going to start going to after my exams are over... so I'm thinking wed may 7th... that is just under three weeks since the last call. Or technically, I could go next week, but I will be in the middle of writing a stupid paper, it might not be the best time for me to show how AWESOME I am.
What did you think about what I wrote about yoga and kombucha on your thread, oh jeff of the special liver???
Do you know I've started thinking of you when I have a cup of tea. Which is quite often during the day. 'Would you like a cup of tea?' always makes me smile these days!! Especially now I have the image of you subtly checking your knick-knocks to check which day it is!! ;\)
Are you serious??!!! That makes me so happy! I am also starting to self-identify with the letter "T" which up until this point in my life never had such significance. Now it is my... Secret Divorce Busting Name!!!! MMMMwwaaahhhaaahhhaaaaahhhaaaa!!
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So I think what I would do would be to find a piece of music/article/recipe aswell and send it to him- I am totally with K on sending him something that doesn't ask a question or require a response......I think it would....
Ok so... instead of calling him? Or in between calling him? I'm sorry I'm so slow on this... I keep asking everyone to explain it to me over and over...
I am thinking a xerox of the beer making instructions, with or without the silly card. What do you think? Maybe I could scan or type it and email it to him, so he would get it sooner. He travels so much if he is out of town it could be weeks before he got it and I wouldn't even know.
thank you so much for sharing this journey with me, OD!!
Oh!! Today I had a very extensive Googlechat with an awesome friend of mine who lives on a BARGE in London. She and her husband bought it and put a bathtub and a full kitchen in it (??!!) and now that's where she lives. Yet another reason for me to visit....!!!
OMG!! I love what you wrote on your thread! I think it is PERFECT. I am so excited for you. Don't worry, I think dating is the right path for you. You are growing so much. Maybe you will look back at this period and think, wow, that crisis with H is the best thing that ever happened with me. Beth, you are getting ready for some amazing love with the man of your dreams, with H or not I don't know, but it is going to ROCK YOUR WORLD!!
if you don't want to go back and slog through all the posts, quick summary: -after 5 months of NC I started talking to my counselor and posting on the BB about how to make contact at the 6 month mark if I haven't heard from B yet -almost immediately, I get a note in the mail from B, with his copy of the key to my apt -i decide to call him a few days later, we have a very happy friendly light phone call for 6 minutes -3 weeks later, I call him again, we talk for 10 minutes, it's good, he asks if I'm around later -2 hours later he calls me back and we talk for 30 minutes.
?????!!!!!
CRAZYYYYYCRAZYYYYCRAZZZZZZYYYYY
Now I am in the middle of end of classes/ finals and then I will be in NEW JERSEY for the first two weeks of JUNE which means I am going to try to meet up with him in NYC (he's in manhattan).
Are you anywhere near Chatham? That's where I'll be!! Would you want to rendezvous?? Just a thought.....
(((((T))))) I haven't had a chance to really think about the yoga. I like the idea, though, so I need to look into it, and see if I can make it fit into my schedule. Right now I'm still getting myfeet under me with the C, and hopefully the ADs, after I see the doc.
Hey T! I agree, 2 weeks sounds good.. many strings to your bow.. is a UK saying, meaning many talents, many good things to your name, it means you are a well rounded and talented resourceful individual!
What was it you were going to ask him? His birth time, is that right?
Ali xxx ________________ Me: 37 BF: 34 T: 9 years IDLYA: 2 Nov 07 Own flat: 26 Jan 08 Depression confirmed: 4 Mar backing off?
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Transformer--I've been following your posts for a while now with no intention of posting, but I hafta say I love your enthusiasm and passion, and hoping your R goes well. (I've always been enamored with musicians; I think you have to feel _everything_ to be a good musician). My 2cents is to wait 2 weeks as well. Three is too long. You've got momentum here that you don't want to lose.
Another book suggestion is "Passionate Marriage" by Schnarch. I've found it invaluable and fascinating.
I definitely need to revisit my goals for the R. That is a good assignment, and I will post the results!
There is noon wednesday yoga class I am going to start going to after my exams are over... so I'm thinking wed may 7th... that is just under three weeks since the last call. Or technically, I could go next week, but I will be in the middle of writing a stupid paper, it might not be the best time for me to show how AWESOME I am.