Strong like Marshmallow

[Gypsy]

Hello all..

I've been in Newcomers since mid February, husband moved out shortly there after.

We both came into the marriage with unresolved issues from frightening childhoods. The love we felt went from tips of my toes to the ends of my hair. We've been together 26 years, married 25 (in April), with three children, S22, S17, D13. We decided I'd be a stay at home mom two years after our first was born while he focused on his career. We had great fun, great closeness and trust in each other.

Very rarely was life calm.. huge upsets at work, unexpected health issues, traumas in the families, acting out son, lingering post partum depression, commuting globally to work, deaths, divorces, divisive in-laws,very long hours at work, over focus on children, losing ourselves to our jobs, frightening unexplained illness with D13.. something was always on our plate. We excelled during a crisis, then the sense of connection would fade.

We'd point fingers at the other..

H - the house is a mess, the bills aren't paid, you get lost on the internet, your weight makes you unattractive to me.

Me - you withdraw emotionally, you don't want to touch me, nothing I do is ever good enough, I didn't get married to be a roommate.

When we worked together, the results were astounding. When trying to help each other didn't work.. our respective advice/suggestions make the other defensive and/or shut down.

I would seek counseling, he had disdain for it and wouldn't go, even when I said I thought our issues were greater than our ability to solve them on our own.

I'm learning it's no longer my place to try and figure out why he went from being married, to saying he was miserable, to moving out and filing divorce papers in less than a month.

It is what it is.

Whether he checked out years ago, found someone else, is going through a MLC, wasn't worth his time or interest to work together

It is what it is.

I'm learning that I have to choose between being the mom and being a task master with my children. With the scant amount of time H chooses to spend with them (one hour a week), what do they need more.. a narc, a foreman, a parent who's there.

It is what it is.

I always work on putting a bright spin on things, looking for the silver lining and probably not enough time feeling.

I need to find the balance between being controlling and wallowing. Although I'm very flexible with others, I get stuck at times in stark WHITE and BLACK when it comes to me.

I have to learn to take care of me. I like other folks doing that, it's a whole lot tougher to figure out how to do it on my own.

Anyway.. we've been separated for a month. Now what?

*hugs*

PS.. don't ask me where "Strong like Marshmallow" came from.. the image has just been in my head. It makes me laugh and shake my head (or cry) at the same time.

[minkerman]

H - the house is a mess, the bills aren't paid, you get lost on the internet, your weight makes you unattractive to me.

I really don't mean to be blunt, but how much of this is true? My DB coach says that every time my W talks to me about the relationship, she is telling me how to get through to her.

So, what have you done for YOU...that will have the side benefit of getting H's attention?

If what he says above is actually the case, wouldn't he be rocked if suddenly the house was spotless all the time, you got a pastime other than surfing the internet, and you started going to a gym and got into killer shape? Not just a 180, but a triple 180.

I'm sorry you're in this spot...25 years is a large time investment. I'm at 28 years, and my W and I have been through much of what you have with family issues, deaths, work, etc.

There is no white and black when it comes to DBing. It is always shades of grey. You need to try something and see if it works, then the next day try something else - always monitoring results.

Good luck, Gypsy - and don't give up!

[Gypsy]

minkerman..

Hello and thank you!

Talk about a light bulb going off moment.

I've tried the 180's but never ever connected it as him telling me how to get through to him. The 180's have been about change, working on change, getting out of the rut, trying to erase the negativity.

Now it can be an action based communication.. neat!

Thank you!

*hugs*

[minkerman]

And of course you know that you can't TELL him that you're doing this!

Why not?

Because the only reason you'll be telling him is so you can say "see how I've changed?" And the only reason he'll see for you doing that, is because you are trying to "get him back".

So, start doing this stuff, then one day he'll call, and you'll get a chance to work your plan.

Here is what literally just happened to me, not 30 minutes ago:
2 voice mails from W.

First one "MM, I really need your help, my car got towed and I am in class all day...please call me".

Next message 20 min later "I wish I could get you on the phone...I'm so sorry to do this to you on your Saturday. I really need you to help me out, honey...please call".

So 1.5 hours later I called her, she told me what she needed, and at the end she asked "oh by the way, what were you doing at 9am on a Saturday?"

"I was at yoga", I said. "Oh.......well that's great!" she said.

See how you can do something similar, without saying look at me and all my changes?

[Gypsy]

Ouch, MM..

You're hitting on all my weak spots. I'm like a puppy flopping around for approval in about everything I do.

Do you know I had to read your example a few times to 'get' it.. that because you were in yoga class you didn't pick up the call?

I think I have to add.. 'slowing down' to my agenda.

I really appreciate the insight.

*hugs*

[minkerman]

Yeah, the message to her was "I have a life", but I didn't need to tell her about it, just had to let her find out by herself.

Of course I will help her out today by picking her up from class, not teasing her about getting towed, then take her to the towing lot. It is 20 miles out of my way, but that is what we do for those that we love.

Just take it slow and easy.

Hugs to you too.

[Gypsy]

Alright.. I'm tattooing that to my forehead......

"I have a life" but I don't need to tell him about it.

It's great to read how you're reweaving a connection with your wife.

How do I handle the panic? He wants to give me NO reason for hope, his mind is made up, he's gone.

Getting a life is something I have to do. Right now it seems that my life is working on the divorce with the financial affidavits, packing up his clothes (very slowly) so it sinks in that he is not here and so he knows that I realize that. The kids are always foremost.

Ugh.. how do you keep from wallowing?

*hugs*

[minkerman]

How do I handle the panic? He wants to give me NO reason for hope, his mind is made up, he's gone.

My W said she was 95% out the door - and the door was closing. I'm not sure if I have turned it around, but at least we are "in neutral" so to speak. That buys time. Time to DB like a madman, and time for her to see my changes. I was in total panic mode for quite a few weeks, but I'm not now. My calm and confidence has risen to the top as I have detached lovingly from her.

Ugh.. how do you keep from wallowing?

Well it is hard. I have good days and bad days, but lately it's more good days. I have found that getting a life has really allowed me to focus on myself, and look at our R more objectively.

Remember Gypsy - ANY pursuing behaviour is going to push them away. It is so predictable that it is almost a formula.

- That means no telling them how much you're upset. Ever.
- No crying.
- No guilt trips.
- Minimal contact initiated by you.
- NO talk about the future.
- Don't invite him anywhere, or invite yourself to be with him, until you are certain that it won't wig him out. CERTAIN, not 'pretty sure'!
- You need to always be happy when you talk to him.
- You need to get a life and get busy. Time alone will depress you.
- If he calls and leaves a message, wait before returning it. Because you're busy, remember?
- No guarantees, but one day he might surprise you with a baby step...but you need to be able to see it. That's why in DB you need to set tiny little goals.
- Of course, realistically, it might actually be over. You need to be prepared for that. I have done that, and it gave me strength.

I hope this helps you in some small way.

I truly believe that if my W and I have a chance, it is because I am absolutely consistent in my actions, and I have been very cognizant of what has brought her closer and what has driven her away.

Try something, monitor results, then either stay the course or change it up a little.

It's a marathon, not a sprint. The key is buying time.

Good luck.

[Gypsy]

Thank you Minkerman for all the suggestions and advice.

Our daughter's Confirmation is next weekend. He texted me about what type of gift to give... his ideas, mine. I realized this was a babystep, took a shower, finished some laundry, took time to think and replied, saying his idea was great, and added what I'd been thinking of.

He sent a few texts, called, but I was busy and called back when I had time. Four minutes of converation in total: what to give her, a question if he'd find out who from his family is coming.. he balked so I dropped it.

I thought.. okay, that was DBing, a babystep. He initiated contact. I called back when I was free, didn't drop everything as I always had, didn't look to be the great fixer or feel my idea was the one and only... realized my daughter would love anything her father gave her. Let go.

Returned a call from my mother-in-law who can't come because it's too long a day. A very nice conversation, nothing about the marriage or impending divorce. Get off the phone and feel it's all over, there's no hope.

While busy today I was thinking.. I miss him but I don't miss feeling anxious that he didn't want to be around me, that I'm doing things with people who want to be with me. I'm not telling the kids exactly what to do .. well I do start, then adjust it to a choice.

So this is all about looking for the positive, doing the positive and being positive while being aware of alternate outcomes.

Did you ever watch "Get Smart". At the end Maxwell Smart walks through a series of doors which slam shut and lock? That is how my husband leaves.

One last thing.. he promptly filed papers and I'm working on the financial affidavit. He won't reveal where he's living or take the kids there. The court papers say he has to inform me within 48 hours of departing our home. It's been over a month.

My lawyer got involved, talked to his lawyer who couldn't reach my husband and sent a letter. My husband called me, upset and feeling betrayed thinking this was an aggressive action.

Is this something I let go? Part of me fears if he's hiding this, what else is he hiding. The other part wonders if he's not pacified, he'll adopt his crush and destroy mode and we'll have a nasty divorce.

All he seems to want is completely out of my life.

[minkerman]

I know it sounds simple, and it is...it's the execution of the simple plan that's hard.

You need to smile and be the person he would want to come back to. Right up to the moment the judge bangs his gavel on the bench.

Take the high road and be the better person. In the end, you will be happy that you did. You are the stable one and he is unstable. Same as my sitch. My DB coach said every now and then, throw in something that shows maybe I'm not so stable/predictable. Sounds like that's what you did with your "aggressive action".

So you did that - give it a day or two and see what effect it had. Monitor results. Did it bring you closer, keep things neutral, or push him further away? The answer to that question will tell how how to go forward, and what kinds of things you need to do - and not do.

Oh, and NEVER discuss the marriage with the in-laws! Remember, blood is thicker than water.