I'm into the 7th month of a waw that filed and left. No note or warning. 30 yrs and 6 kids. Left 2 weeks after last kid went to college. We spent the first 3 months dating, and phone calls. More open commun than the previous 30 yrs and lots of info about en's I did not meet along with intimatcy issues and other issues.
At month 4 something changed for the worse and the open communication went away and was followed by a po. It's been 2 1/2 months since the po and D is still on although not doing much right now.
My wife tells the kids that the po was just done in anger and kinda stupid (I cannot talk to her). We had a wedding last week she did not attend because my son told her that since we both could not be there due to the po, she was not invited. We have a daughter getting married in june and she has mentioned she will do something with the po so we can work together on that wedding and both attend, but still makes comments about being so angry, even though she had said the first 3 months after she left i did everything right (although I probably was too needy, pleading, ect). When (I know each sitch is diff) will she begin to let go of some of the anger?
It seems to anger her that I have taken responsibility for not doing things as well as I should, and that I am committed to doing better. She admits to being terribly lonely and unhappy living alone with no one around, but it seems to be more about being the victim than admitting a mistake. Turns off anyone who suggests she may have some work to do herself on the R. Any ideas/suggestions? Thx!
Yes. Stop trying so hard. You need to LET HER GO, or at least let her THINK you have let her go.
Remember, we want what we can't have. You have history, she can't just 'forget' that. She needs you to be the rock, the man who just doesn't 'need' her. Let her have the chance to feel what it's like to NOT have you at her beck and call.
go to '[censored].com' and sign up for their free e-mails. seriously, it sounds like she is in a little MLC, and you are playing the part of the 'wuss' when she wants a 'man'. Remember how you were before you met her? How you knew what you wanted, and how you would get it?
Take NO MORE 'responsibility'. You've taken your share, now let it go and move on. 'Man up' and be the best 'you' that you can be.
You're a good man, and she knows it. She's looking for a leader, for guidance. Will you do it?
If I am reading your words correctly, it sounds like you neglected some of her emotional needs for many years, and then when she left she was telling you about some of those needs and then you tried to start meeting them.
I can tell you that its pretty common for a woman to get angry like this if her needs have been neglected for years and years and then suddenly, only because she is leaving, her man wants to try and meet those needs. This ticks her off because she feels like, why did it have to come to this before you would see my needs? And - is he even really being genuine, or is he just trying to lure me back home and then all will be the same?
Usually a woman stuffs down her anger for a long time, hoping the sitch will get better and waiting for that time to come. So most likely, she was really angry with you for many years for her needs going unmet, but she didn't let you know how angry she was (or you weren't listening) and she stuffed all that anger inside, trying to wait until it got better. But it never got better, you never noticed or met those needs, so she left.
She is still going to have to process all those years of unvented anger. She should be doing this in counseling and hopefully she will realize she needs some counseling.
As others are telling you, you can't be the one to educate you on what she should do for her end of things. She has to find her own way of getting through the anger. But she will eventually...if you can hold on that long, maybe you two will have a chance.
I hope you read my other response on your other thread, too.
I really do appreciate the responses. I readily admit to not meeting her en's the first 15 years. I can now also see that some of her phobias in the bedroom were directly related to her suxual abuse issues as a child.
I do have to say though, that until the last few years I did not know why she had the various sexual issues. She never told me. I also would add that I feel I have worked very hard to be a better husband the last 10-15 years, even though it appears I was still not meeting her en's.
Sometimes it is very hard for us guys to be mind readers. I can honestly say that if I have known what an issue is, I will put forth the effort to do better, I just have to know what is needed of me.
My wife has said I did everything right the first 3 months she was gone, but it hardly covers 30 years of screw ups. 30 years of screw ups? Makes it sound like there was never anything done right. Hey my kids have some negative experiences those first 30 years also, but every one of them has told me how much better I have been and they have seen the changes. My wife would even occasionally acknowledge the same thing, but then revert back to statements like-"Do you remember what you said to me on our honeymoon?". It seems that all the focus is on what was wrong and never the good. I happen to think that there was waaay more positives than negatives.
I am approaching the point of wondering if I want to be married to someone that seeks comfort from other men, runs from her marriage and gives up, and only sees the negative in life. In no way do I not acknowledge my faults and shortcomings, but there comes a point that one realizes that it takes both parties acknowledging it takes two to make it work.
Any comments from anyone else including counselors, church leaders or even her own children, that suggest she may need to work on things, end up with zero or little contact and are ussually written off as siding with me. Not to productive to make things better. But hey, I'll keep trying!
The negative memories - that is par for the course. I have 4 kids with my wife and she has turned our time together into "22 years of abuse." It is as if I locked her in the basement and threw down rotten meat every week. But you and I have to let that stuff roll off our backs. They are angry, and they say things that aren't really true in this state. They remember only the bad times, can't remember good times when they are angry. My wife is angry about comments I made about the kitchen mop. Of course I don't remember the conversation about the mop, but it illustrates my point. That is all they can remember.
of course you don't want to be married to someone like that. The question is, will she remain that person, or will she change and grow into someone you can love. And secondly, will you be willing to wait and encourage that, by working on yourself.
She thinks everyone is "siding with you" eh? Sounds like you need to back off the pressure, ask people to just back off. Or stop asking them to intercede on behalf of your marriage. Your wife will come around in her own time.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
dbs, sounds like your wife & me have a lot in common. I told H 11 months ago, I was done. I'm still extremely angry. I have a really hard time remembering anything good. I don't know how long it takes to get over that. It took 16 years for me to get this mad. How long should it take to get over it ? I tried talking to him so many times, so many different ways. Towards the end, I felt like I was talking to a rock. No emotion, no response, no feelings, nothing. I gave up.
Maybe we have some pre-determined time table in our mind. Maybe we need to see our H's try at least half as hard as we did. I don't know, I'm just letting my thoughts flow.
If my friends suggest I should try harder, or be nicer, I get mad at them. They didn't walk in my shoes all those years. They don't know how hard I tried all those years. They don't know how badly I hurt for so long. How ignored I felt. Why should I "work" on it now. I tried working on it all those years. Now that he's scared, & I finally have his attention, I should re-invest my efforts ? I need some time to see sustained change on his part.
I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be bitter. I want a great loving caring nurturing marriage. I wish I knew how to make it happen. I really do.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
"How long should it take to get over it ? I tried talking to him so many times, so many different ways. Towards the end, I felt like I was talking to a rock. No emotion, no response, no feelings, nothing. I gave up. "
My WAW is still angry more than 5 years after leaving. I suspect that the anger has changed from "he didn't me my needs while we were married" to "he doesn't meet my needs while we are divorced"
I'm not kidding.
My strategy now is to show "No emotion, no response, no feelings, nothing. "
I still get allegedly "misdirected" emails where she is calling me names to someone.
I'd avoid her altogether but we have kids and someone must be mature about it. Water off a ducks back.
snowdog, I refuse to be angry 5 years from now. I haven't left the house either though. We're in counseling & he's trying to change. I'm trying to forgive.
So why do you suppose my H was no emotion, no response, etc while we were married ?
I'm glad for your kids sake that you're being mature. I'm sure it's not easy.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
