Movin' On Over

[Racer Chick]

OK got another problem maybe you guys can give some input on...
When I tell H no or don't welcome his affections with open arms he usually goes away and more or less pouts about it. I have told him on numerous occations that I am not rejecting him its the affection at that time that I am rejecting. Let me give you an example of what just happened. I had just gotten home from the long weekend with MIL and SIL, I was catching up on the paper. H came up to me and wanted a kiss, I had given him his hugs and kisses when I got home, so I was a bit irritated that he could not see that I was in the middle of something and was pissed about the fact that I was not more than happy to give him more kisses. He walked away in a huff, made a comment and pouted in the chair. This is not a new thing, it has been an on going thing but its because more of an issue now than ever. I will admit that I have done the same thing but it seems that he takes it more to heart than I did or do. I know that we are wired differently and I am trying as much as I know how to make myself avalible to him for that right now, I know that he needs alot of reasurring around how I feel about him.
any input would be appriciated.

[hopeforfuture]

When I tell H no or don't welcome his affections with open arms he usually goes away and more or less pouts about it. I have told him on numerous occations that I am not rejecting him its the affection at that time that I am rejecting.

Racer Chick,
Not sure if I can offer any guidance, but I can definitely relate to this situation. I know my W and I go through virtually the same scenarios. You mention above that you are not rejecting him, just the affection at the time. I would say that in his mind, those are one and the same. If he is like me, it is more than just the physical act. It is also his way of connecting emotionally to you. He handles it poorly by pouting about it, but it does hurt to have the person you desire not wanting your affections.

We started to piece our M back together in Jan. this year. In the first couple of months, the affection and intimacy were quite regular and I felt very connected and fulfilled. During this time, if W didn't wasn't in the mood to be intimate on any given night, it really didn't bother me. I wouldn't take every response of "no" personally or as a rejection because overall I felt fulfilled. My 'Love Tank' so to say was full. It made me realize just how much those affections meant to me. It didn't always need to be about sex. A simple warm hug and kiss would go a long way to give me an emotional boost. I begin to feel rejected when the affections slack off for a period of time or when there are repeated responses of "no" to my advances.

Let me give you an example of what just happened. I had just gotten home from the long weekend with MIL and SIL, I was catching up on the paper. H came up to me and wanted a kiss, I had given him his hugs and kisses when I got home, so I was a bit irritated that he could not see that I was in the middle of something and was pissed about the fact that I was not more than happy to give him more kisses.

What was your response to his wanting a kiss? I'm guessing that it was fairly obvious to him that you were irritated by his request. I can picture this same scenario playing out in our house. I can understand your needing some space and quiet time to relax and unwind, but can you put yourself in your H's shoes? You say he came up and wanted a kiss. Your response of rejecting the request shows him that reading the paper is more important to you than taking a few seconds to give him a kiss. I know that is an irrational conclusion, but I can almost guarantee that is what he was thinking.

Check up on my thread Racer. I think we can learn a lot from each others situations.

[Racer Chick]

Hopeforfuture,

I will pop over when I have a bit more time to read the posts, but I have read some of it.

It seems like we have been so huggy and kissy lately, I know that is what H needs right now, even the ML. I like the hugging and kissing that we do but on Sunday I had a long weekend without much sleep and alot of stress. So to me the few minutes that I wanted to take for myself I did not think was that awful. I do take the time to do the little things that I feel are important to us, like the quick phone call while I am on lunch, or a short e-mail to him at work. Funny thing I always thought that H was too busy at work to take my call or even read a short e-mail from me, boy was I wrong. He has even said that he likes them. He was a bit surprised today that I did not try to e-mail him, but he would not have gotten it anyhow the e-mail server at his work was down.

Now we are having a weekend away this weekend...lets see how creative you all are. I want to surprise H while we are away, but we have full days and nights planned, so its got to be simple. What have any of you guys done?

[hopeforfuture]

I like the hugging and kissing that we do but on Sunday I had a long weekend without much sleep and alot of stress. So to me the few minutes that I wanted to take for myself I did not think was that awful.

Taking the few minutes for yourself is absolutely understandable. I was just thinking that there is often some subtle body language that sets a negative tone. There is a big difference between "Hmmfff, not now, I'm trying to relax..." and "Hey hon, I just need a few minutes of down time, okay? "

Now we are having a weekend away this weekend...lets see how creative you all are. I want to surprise H while we are away, but we have full days and nights planned, so its got to be simple. What have any of you guys done?

What type of weekend away? Are you driving, flying? Hotel, resort, tent? Restaurant, show? It sounds like you have activities planned already so I'm guessing the creative surprise would be bedroom related?

[Racer Chick]

Ok I get it now, its the approach that I need to take when I reject him. At times I feel like the guy, being the one that is not sensitive enough to his needs.

We are driving, and its at a hotel, and you are right for the surprise I would like it to be bedroom related. But that could lead itself into a problem that I mentioned before...is this something that she did with the OM...I would like it to be something 'sweet' not 'hot' if it goes there that is fine.

[hopeforfuture]

Ok I get it now, its the approach that I need to take when I reject him.

Yes, the approach makes all the difference. And probably the frequency also. You can be very warm and sincere with a request for some space or private time (not now honey), but that would also become frustrating if that becomes the norm instead of the occasional request.

We are driving, and its at a hotel, and you are right for the surprise I would like it to be bedroom related. But that could lead itself into a problem that I mentioned before...is this something that she did with the OM...I would like it to be something 'sweet' not 'hot' if it goes there that is fine.

That becomes a little more difficult. I can understand your concern with his being upset by something new or different. Personally I wasn't too hung up with anything new that happened with W and I, so I was going to suggest just that. For me, different = exciting. Different location, position, scenario, time of day, etc.

How about in the car on the way to the hotel? Is there a pool at the hotel? That's usually a good place to get his imagination going.

[sandi2]

Hi RC, just catching up on your stitch. Boy, does it sound familiar at my house! I just thought all men were like that...lol. Seriously, I have learned that it is a big difference in how we women think and feel and the men we are M to.

I will tell you something that my H used to do that was a complete turn off for me. I would be washing dishes and he would come up behind me and feel certain parts of my body. Well, here I am trying to do "practical stuff" like washing dishes and I certainly don't feel romantic and how am I suppose to respond to him gropping me from behind and I have my hands in dishwater? I tried to tell him that approach did not work for me, but he kept on doing it in spite of me telling him that it was really something I did not like. He could not understand that just b/c he like it, he didn't understand why I shouldn't like it also. So, I used one of Gary Smalley's "picture word" illustrations to explain to him by useing something he did not like to eat. I happen to love that particular food and b/c I liked it I could not understand why he couldn't like it, therefore what if I continued to serve this particular food that he hated all the time. How would he feel about that. I like that food, therefore he should like it, therfore I continued to serve it to him. Well, he finally got the picture and he stopped doing it. But, he was very, very hurt. The male ego is the most fragile thing in this world! They do take it as a rejection of "them".....not the approach or the timing, etc. I tried many times to tell him that to come up behind me and kiss my cheek, touch my neck, back, ear, and be sweet about it was ok, but to come and ram his hands down my pants or grab my brest and start squeezing them, without any working up to that point or any warning (so to speak) all the while I'm washing dishes.....just did not work for me. Why could he not understand that? Instead, he turned away in a huff.

The "pouting" is what I've seen many times when he felt rejected. If they only know how childish that appeared to women. Again, it is the difference between the sexes. "Timinig" in my M has seem to be one of our biggest problems. When I was so tired I could barely move and just want to crash.....that would be the time he wanted to have sex. I used to wonder if it turned him on to watch me work myself to death, b/c every time.....he got horny.

Okay, so what to do about the trip. Have you tried to talk to him about some of the things like you talk to us? You know, how you want to have good sex and try new things, but you are afraid of what he will think? And.....after the incident the other night and he felt rejected (of course that is his insecurity showing).....if you could just sofly talk to him about that and explain that you were worn out and needed time, plus we women are very "practical" about some things we think needs to be done first before we can enjoy the intimate times. Tell him that you really want to show him how much you want to work on this R with him and do "special" things for him in the bedroom. Just talk. Perhaps, when you get on the road....you could gently bring up the subject of how you wanted this to be very special and you wanted to do something, but was a little afraid or felt insecure about his reaction. Just ask him how he would feel about you surprising him with .......whatever. In other words, you gently throw the ball to him and wait for his answer and for him to throw it back to you. If he doesn't say anything (like my H) then you have a problem (bless your heart).

It's late and I got to go to bed, sweetie. Talk to you later. Good luck.

Sandi

[Racer Chick]

Sandi,
I can SOOOO relate to the gropping that you described, I to have experienced almost the same thing. I would just be standing there doing something and wham he was on me like a fly stuck to fly paper. But my H finally got that that approach was not working with me so he stopped, but it was not after a lot of complaining about it. I wish I would have known to use the approach you did, I think I would have not had to put up with it for as long as I did if I would have. I guess I never really knew how fragile the male ego was until this happened. My H is typically a very strong kind of guy, not a whole lot bothers him. He will normally let things roll off of his back.

For this weekend, I am still up in the air as to what to do. I did pack a skimpy outfit for the evening, so I guess we will start there and see where things go.

But one thing that I am amazed at with this board this time around is how many of us are experiencing the exact same thing. The last time I was on here there were not many that came to help me out that were saying the same thing that I was going through. I find that very cool at least that we are able to use what has worked for us and pass it on to others who are having the same problem with their spouses.

I got to get back to work for now, I just wanted to get a quick reply out there before I head out for the weekend again. Post more on Monday hopefully, I am off from work, !!!

[Dr LOve]

I will tell you something that my H used to do that was a complete turn off for me. I would be washing dishes and he would come up behind me and feel certain parts of my body. Well, here I am trying to do "practical stuff" like washing dishes and I certainly don't feel romantic and how am I suppose to respond to him gropping me from behind and I have my hands in dishwater?

Ok Racer and Sandi,

Ya both make me feel like an idiot.. I have done this.... Well in the past... WAY PAST... like over a year ago.. If I did it now I would get slapped...

Maybe it is something in our jeans... .. I don't know... I
I really thought of it as more of a hug with binifits.... If I could only undo the past...

I tried many times to tell him that to come up behind me and kiss my cheek, touch my neck, back, ear, and be sweet about it was ok,

Thanks for the info.....

Instead, he turned away in a huff.
The "pouting" is what I've seen many times when he felt rejected. If they only know how childish that appeared to women.

Yep that was me....

Dr LOve

[sandi2]

Ahhh, Doc, isn't it a shame we women and men can't understand each other and get it right sooner? Life would be so much sweeter.

RC....I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for the weekend.

Sandi