I am moving from my previous thread over hear in hopes to get some other input on my current sitch.
In a nut shell, H had an A in 11-04 to 4-05, we were working on things and something just went way wrong. I felt unloved and unappreciated, so I started distancing myself from H and I too had an A 12-06 to 2-08, yes a long one but over for good. No contact with OM any more period, end of that chapter in my life.
On the bright side of things H and I are communicating so we both understand where we are coming from. If I don't understand what he is trying to get through to me I will ask for further information, and he is doing the same with me. We are doing alot together and working together to get our finances back in line, we have a couple of household projects that need to get done so we are working on saving money for that too. This I know is a trouble spot for us and has always been. H has a good job for right now, but it is in the auto industry so with all the changes that have been happening with pay cuts and reductions in work force you never know what can happen. Thus my problem with our finacial stich. I work also but nothing like the money that he brings in, I am trying to look for another job because were I work, the stress is to the point of being unbearable and adding to the problems at home.
There is a issue that has risen to the top of the heap again, that I really wish that H would leave alone. When H had his A my best friend desided to get mad at me and stop talking to me. At the time I did not have the time to repair two R so unfortuantly that one took the back burner. So when I did have the time to put in the effort, I did what I thought was the best thing for me was to start to e-mail her and try and work it out that way. But it just did not work out for me, I was not expecting to have the same type of relationship with her prior to the riff that we had. I kept running into a brick wall with her, and I finally gave up trying to repair any kind of R with her. Now H who does work with her, has had contact with her and has been encouraging her to talk to me, and me to do the same with her. I don't know if I even want to be friends with her anymore, say hello when I run into her OK but to hang out for drinks or diner, I am not sure about that. There has been alot of things that have been filtered through mutual friends back and forth. She has even told H it will take some time for her to come around, because of some things that were done during my A. So with that out there I don't want this to become a major issue between H and I, which it is starting to be. How can I communicate to H any clearer that I have tried and it was not working and I don't want to try anymore. If she wants to approach me that is fine I will accept what ever she will have to offer but I am done trying to appraoch her. I did use a different approach each time also, so it was not like I was using the same path over and over to work this out. I do plan on bringing this up to our C the next time we are there in hopes that he will be able to help us through this.
Hi RC, I would be suspicious of the friend. I don't think it is a good idea for your H to get involved in the middle of you and the friend. An EA could happen very easily. BTW, is she married? If not, I would really be concerned about them talking and your H befriending her. She may decide to take advantage....would not be the first time this has happened between friends. Besides, what does he care? Why is he pushing this on you? I would tell him that I don't want to do it anymore and that you are asking him out of respect for you not to talk with her anymore about you. (I would really want to say not to talk to her period, but then he would accuse you of being jealous and not trusting him....but we know how females can be, don't we?) Maybe it would just be better to tell him that your main arguments have been over her and that you don't want her and your past friendship being a problem between you and your H. Ask him in a nice way to let you take care of it the way you decide or want to.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, She is not married and has never been married. She is very single, and she has told me in the past that she was jealous of the life that I have. I don't have anything to worry about on the EA I know that she would not let that happen. As for telling H to stay out of it I have to a point maybe I just need to come out and say it straight up. But H thinks that she would be good for me again. You see I don't have a lot of friends that I can turn to and b!tch about things, and she was always the one that I did that with, and she with me. I have my SIL but she would just run to my MIL and tell her everything that I just said, then there is another woman that I met and we have just hit it off from the start, she I can call up at b!tch to about the stupid things that H does or complain about work, etc. Now before I get jumped on I do complain to H about things too. So I am not completely with out friends but the ones that I can really trust and confide are the ones that I don't have anymore.
Now I think H is starting to understand the way that I think about money. He has always been the one to say we can't have money in the bank because we have alot of debt. I am the one that says we need to have money in the bank because we have a lot of debt. My thinking is if we are paying all of our money out every month and have nothing saved back and lets say the washing machine goes, we will have to finance that and the debt gets worst. Now if we had the money to pay for the washing machine we are fine and continue to pay things off on the schedule that I have planned out. This is another thing we need to have the councelor help us get through together.
Hi RC, I understand about having few friends that you can trust to b*tch to about things. I think it is important to have those friends b/c H's really don't like to hear W's complain about small stuff.....they think it is petty, but to us it is important. I have learned that working with male bosses and my H over the many years. So, let it out to the girlfriends and don't complain to H.
This single friend of yours that was jealous of your life. How can you be so certain that she would never allow an EA to happen? There have been many A started by a situation just like this one. Sometimes just being thrown together is cause enough, but if she should start seeing him in a different light and .....you know the rest. I'm not trying to give you more to worry about, even though it sounds like it, but I've seen this happen before.
Anyway, maybe your H is understanding the thing between you and friend now and hopefully he will not pursue it any further. I also hope he kind of keeps his distant from her.
Let me know how things go. BTW, you can b*tch to me anytime...lol.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I could have sworn I read somewhere that, women would be happy if they had someone who loved them, rather than financial security.
Now you said that you and the husband had been expressing your feelings.
Yet then you back track a little.
"As for telling H to stay out of it I have to a point maybe I just need to come out and say it straight up."
I saw it.
Now... You say that
"I don't have a lot of friends that I can turn to and b!tch about things, and she was always the one that I did that with, and she with me."
We all need this. As Sandi2 said.. You can use her to fill the void.
Personally, I am not sure why she (Old Friend) wants nothing to do with you anymore. I saw you trying, just not sure why it did not work.
"then there is another woman that I met and we have just hit it off from the start, she I can call up at b!tch to about the stupid things that H does or complain about work, etc"
Sounds like time for new friends to me. Please don't forget about the most important one.
"On the bright side of things H and I are communicating so we both understand where we are coming from. If I don't understand what he is trying to get through to me I will ask for further information, and he is doing the same with me."
^^^^ There is the most important one.
Now in closing that I would say.. Yes. Tell H that it is done with OF. Let him know you have it under control. Let him know that if in the future something changes, he will be the 2nd to know.
Moving on.
"Now I think H is starting to understand the way that I think about money."
If you think it is unclear then it likely is.
"Now if we had the money to pay for the washing machine we are fine and continue to pay things off on the schedule that I have planned out."
From you comment again.. I get that things are not being explained as clearly as you think they are.
I for one am of the firm belief that he would get you a new washing machine any way he could.
He would not be buying that washing machine because he wants you to wash more clothes.
He would be doing anything in his means to "fix" the broken/unusable washing machine.
Now.. I am a strong believer in the "No Emotion" theory.
When you do things, Say things, Act on things they need to have no "Emotion".
Now as far as DB'ing if you do something different. There will be no "Emotion" tied to it. You won't know what to expect. Some things will work. Some will not. The things that don't work.. Throw them out. You know what to do if it does work.
Lets take a sec and point out what is working..
#1..
On the bright side of things H and I are communicating so we both understand where we are coming from. If I don't understand what he is trying to get through to me I will ask for further information, and he is doing the same with me.
#2...
We are doing alot together and working together to get our finances back in line, we have a couple of household projects that need to get done so we are working on saving money for that too.
#3...
I don't have anything to worry about on the EA I know that she would not let that happen.
Now.. What is not working you need to come up with solutions to.
What you are doing now, in those situations, is not working.
You are on the right path. Pay attention to that "Little Voice".
Do Work.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I think the money thing is just part of me, I am always worried we won't have enough for what ever we want to do, and some how we always get by. We have never been late on our house payment, car payment, or credit cards, we always pay them on time and in fact sometimes even way early. We both have stellar credit, so to get more is not a problem either, but I would like to get out of the hole that we have gotten ourselves into.
I have come out here to vent some of the stupidness going on in my life so that I know is not a problem, thanks Sandi. I do agree with Sandi on the part about men just don't understand why we as women complain about some things, and guys just think we are just being petty. I will say though H has been a great support this last week, I probably had the worst week at work in a very long time. A couple weeks ago we had our receptionist quit and last week we had another girl go out on maternaty leave early so it was just me to do three more jobs. Upper management shifted some other people around to help cover phones and pick up some of the other duties that I was doing but it still was not enough. They finally got some one in to fill the position for the girl out on leave, but I had to train her. I would normally not have a problem with that but I was not told that I had to train her until she was already at work and working. It was like "oh by the way" kind of thing. RRRRR
As for why my old friend doesn't want anything to do with me, that is a question I would love to have an answer to. I have asked that question in several different ways and not gotten an answer to it. I have moved on and am really trying to find new friends to do things with. I have jointed a new church so I hope that will give me the opportunity to meet some 'new' people. Funny thing is most of the younger poeple that are members I went to high school with, but I really don't think that they remember me or not. I have changed a bit in looks, I don't have that big huge 80's hair any more, LOL.
I think if I tell H to stay out of the problem between my and OF I think that he will. But(you know there is always a but) they possibly be serving on the same comittee for an event at work. She is salary in the main office and H works out in the plants. There is hope though that he will turn down the opportunity to be on the committee, depending on what Saturday they are planning on having the event, we may already have something on that day.
Yes we are commincating well but the timing of that communication stinks, it is always when we are in bed for the night, when its just the two of us. I am one who needs my 7-8 hours if not I am wrecked for the next day. We are usually up talking for at least another half hour to 45 minutes past the time that I normally go to bed. So I know that is something that I need to work on with him.
RC, talk to your H about a compromise with the talking after going to bed. Be thankful that he likes to talk (lol) b/c mine never would and that is what I personally needed. But, if it is about the problems of the day, bedtime is not exactly the best time to do it. Could kill any emotion for sex, I would think. My advice is just tell him what you said to us about how much sleep you must have to function the next day and ask him if he can meet you half way on this.
Good news about you joining new church and searching for new friends. Doesn't matter if they remember you or not, but if they did go to school with you, it's a good starting point for conversation.
Keep coming back to post and vent. We care about ya.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks...Ok maybe some body can give me a bit of adivice on something that has been going on with H and I having sex. It seems to me that H is trying to one up on what the OM was able to do, and I have no idea how to deal with this? Any suggestions. It's like H is trying so hard and nothing is working, because of the fact that he is trying as hard as he is. It's like there is pressure to perform now, I know that its something that he needs to deal with but if could help him through it in anyway, we can't just have fun with it any more. I know that I was that way for a little bit but I got over it, in no time. And then how do I try to incorprate something new with out H thinking that I got this from OM or that it was done with OM?
As for the talking killing the mood, most of the daily stuff does come up before that so what we talk about at night are how we are feeling and that is when most of the questions come out about the A.
Ok I am work so should have been done with this already but there is something that just happened that I am so excited about. You know the new friend that I was talking about, her name by the way is Kathie, she just asked me to be her Maid of Honor in her wedding in September. She had asked me about a week ago to help her find a place for the reception and help her find a dress and that, becuase she is orginally from Indiana, and not familiar with the area and what it has to offer for that kind of stuff. This is the first wedding that I have been in that I am not realted to the person getting married.
Kim, Been meaning to see you over here in piecing. I just have not made the move over here yet but will.
About the advice on the sex ... I would suggest not talking about the daily stuff at night. Perhaps at dinner instead? I can't imagine talking about A stuff, then going to bed and being in the mood to ML.
I had to face that monster, too. I forced myself to NOT think about OW or to compare myself to her. I cleared my head. But sometimes it's still there. But I know if she was that much better than me (and not just in the sex dept.) that H may not still be with me so it's really becoming a non-issue...
I wished I knew what to tell you, but I think it is only normal for either gender of the one that had an A to feel that they are being compared to the OP and that they have to be better at ML that the OP was. It is especially such a sensitive subject with men until I don't know how you could approach it. The only way I know is to gently and softly talk to him and tell him that you can feel him trying to hard to "prove" himself to you and that it isn't necessary b/c you know you have the best man. You could somehow tell him that you think he is great in bed, in your on words tell him how much you like what he does or admire him. I'm sure he feels pressure and just needs reassurance. I'm not too good at doing that sort of thing....wish I was better. Maybe some of the men on here will give you some admice.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
