Enjoying my life!!!

[kaydeekay]

Kissak,

I haven't posted to you in a while but I have been keeping up with your sitch.

I understand having to co-parent with your H because I'm doing the same with my STBX. We are doing joint custody. I'm friendly with him but I'm not his friend. If you had a "friend" that treated you the way your H is treating you, would you remain friends with that person? I've asked myself that question and my answer was no. I can't be his friend because he feels he can tell me everything that is going on between he and OW#4. When he starts talking bad about her I tell him I'm sorry but I don't want to hear it and he usually stops. It's not that I'm hurt that he's with OW#4 because I've finally gotten over my STBX, it's just that he will continue to be the same man he was with me, OW#1, #2, #3, #4....He thinks everyone is the blame for his problems.

As hard as it is please do not have sex with your H. He will only be using you for just that. I made that mistake last summer hoping that it would make a reconnection for us, but it didn't.

Your H still wants to be involved with the OW. I've seen it time and time again with your H as I did in my STBX with me. OW is not completely out of the picture with your H. He even said he was going to try 100% to not to bother OW and her BF but he knows that won't be possible. It's just another line he's telling you.

Kissak, as I've said before you need to distance yourself completely from H and his drama. From what I've observed you began to get worried about H completely leaving/divorcing you when you believe things are rosy between he and OW, however, once H tells you there are problems between OW and H you get the sense of relief and you start seeing H as being the person you no longer want to be around. I understand this because I too did the same. It only gave me false hopes.

I've also noticed that you put too much thought in what H is doing, thinking, feeling and you really don't know what is going on in his head and he probably does not know too. You need to push OW thoughts out of your head.

I really don't mean to sound harsh with you I'm just going by my own experience about what worked for me and what didn't. Your H sounds like he could be my STBX twin.

[kissak]

Thanks FA and KDK....

I really hear what you are saying. I know in no way that my H is over the OW...he has told me that. AND for him to try 100% NOT to interfer, well he has already gone back on that too. I know he will interfer. I know him all to well now. It is hard though to remain detached from him. I am trying and dont worry, no sex with him. Yes it will be hard, but I can manage...I just kept reminding myself that he werent going to control me that way.

I have noticed that I am much more relieved when he is just alone, no OW. Then I in a way really can see him for who he is. Trust me, I do not obsess about the OW as much as I use to. I dont wake up in the mornings sick or feeling broken like I use to. H doesnt take up my every thought. This is a process and slowly I am making it through.

My H just in my belief has the idea that he and I can date other people and even each other if we want....I dont think so. OH, when will he come through this tunnel? Is he lost forever??

and just to be clear, H hasnt been in my every thought today.

[kissak]

WELL, my son passed his tkd belt testing....he is now an orange belt! We were so proud of him.

H showed up one minute too late to see him get it, but the instructor was actually on time tonight, so it wasnt H's fault! Anyway, he was in a good mood....for some reason he always is in a great mood after talking to his therapist....I think she gives him an ego boost. Anyway, not much was said about it. Im really glad he seemed happier...I was in a pretty good mood also. Glad to see my son pass his test.

I havent been feeling too well lately...had a sore throat for over a month now and I went to the doc last week and they told me it was allergies....I dont have allergies, I told the doc! But they say with age they will happen....ugh, sore throat for a month now is NO fun. Ready to get rid of it!

I had to give my H half of the tax returns tonight, although the state and irs withheld quite a bit for back child support that WASNT owed....child support didnt tie up loose ends last year and it cost us quite a bit, but the CS agency is supposed to refund it to us when they get it, which may take over a month!

[Teddy]

kiss, first off anybody that is in the middle of a MLC acts like an idiot, and very much like a teenager. You remember how you acted, the world revolves around me and everybody else's thoughts or feelings don't matter.

fooled, first off, great post. Secondly, watching a spouse begin the process of an MLC SUCKS! No other way to put it. Understanding what causes an MLC helps very little, because when you do understand it you realize that your marriage is probably over. It's kind of like getting a diagnosis of uncurable cancer. You know the end is near.

My ex hasn't spoken one word to me since last August. Yet she has been in the house on several occasions. I am sure of this. When she left she only took clothes, and not even all of them. It is like she has been gone on a really long business trip. Her presence is still very much in the house, which sucks even worse. It is like she is hedging her bets. Rational thinking on her behalf, no. But I don't think anybody has ever accused and MLC person of rational thinking.

Today we accepted an offer to sell the house after it has been on the market for almost ten months (YEA!). The real estate agent had one hell of a time contacting her. It took the agent calling her mother (yep, 41 and living with the parents) to get her to contact her.

The drama is almost over. And there isn't a thing she can do about.

But anyway, just my thoughts and experiences.

[kissak]

Thanks for your thoughts Teddy.

I think my H's problems are more than just MLC. I know he wants to come home and try to work things out. We are friends, even though people say I shouldnt be because a friend wouldnt treat me this way. But, I am just one of those people who would treat their worst enemy with kindness and respect. I mean, we dont pal around or anything, but we do talk to each other. I cant lie and say I still dont want to be with him. I promised to stand by my H until death do us part, for better or worse, and even though he hasnt took his vows as serious as I have, I will remain true to them until a divorce is final. I know that God will bless me no matter what. I know that I never gave up the fight. I will not let Satan distroy my marriage without a fight. However, I will during this time try to find out more about myself. I will continue to grow and I will be the best mom I can be to my kids. My H is sick right now. He may never get better, but I have a feeling he will. I know you all see a monster who treats me badly, but he is a good person who is just very confused. He is in therapy and it is helping. Whether he comes home or not, it is helping him find out more about himself. To be honest me and my H have talked and communicated more this year than ever before.

Now, I am not taking up for him. I am just saying that I love him unconditionally. He took care of me and my children for 15 years. He wasnt happy and went about finding happiness in the wrong way. It is what it is. I know that whatever happens, God will take care of me. This whole experience has brought me closer to God and made my faith stronger.

Im just rambling.....I dont have false hope, but I do have hope. Shouldnt we all?

[new_attitude]

Im just rambling.....I dont have false hope, but I do have hope. Shouldnt we all?

Yup- I agree. There's nothing wrong with hope.

[Cinderellaman]

Now, I am not taking up for him. I am just saying that I love him unconditionally. He took care of me and my children for 15 years. He wasnt happy and went about finding happiness in the wrong way. It is what it is.

I love this part, I just wish it was as easy to accept through the pain and anger of it all.

I think you are doing remarkably well !! Take care x

[kissak]

Thanks NA....I think we all should have hope.

And Cinders, I think you are doing remarkably well yourself. I have always admired your strength. Pain and anger is very hard but it wasnt something we were promised not to have in this life, so we do with it what we can.

[Teddy]

Kiss,
Good for you. You have a great attitude. As far as God goes, it is hard sometimes not to be angry with him, but I can say that because of what happened and how it could have been worse, I have proof that God exists.

Just do me a favor: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. My wife (now ex.) has done some of the meanest things that anybody has ever done to me over the last year. I am having a really hard time forgiving. Probably really not in my nature. But I wouldn't trade the 16 great years I did have. Nobody can EVER take that away from me. Just remember that.

[Nutty Chick]

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

That is all any of us can do.
Good advice.

NC