I hope you find me, I have found myself

[ajf328]

**I have had to change my name...my H, I believe, found this site.
My last post is as follows from March 7.


Thanks Snodderly,

I was starting to feel a little bad the way my dad and poured it on him the other day. We both told him some harsh truths and I am not sure he was ready to hear them.

I haven't heard from him since I ignored his last tm. D12 said that he is mad that her b-day party (her and 3 girls for pizza and games) is on a friday when he has to work. He implied that i did this so he couldn't be there. D12 told her she picked the date. Whatever.

Part of me feels like this has put him over the edge. He is looking to be mad at me now for everything. I hate this. I wonder if it will blow over like the last time or if this is the straw that broke the camels back.

Oh well, off to take d12 to a dance and then home to spend time with s15. Looking forward to the weekend....but really don't want to see H. Not sure what will happen. I think I will make myself scarce

[ajf328]

I have not posted in 3 weeks. I really have stayed away, not only because I believe my H found this site, but I needed take time out for me and my children.

Both children had birthdays this month. A very emotional time for my H. S16 got his permit...a very scary time for me. I am watching my beautiful baby turn into such a wonderful young man. It is so sad that his father is missing out everything that is going on in his life.

The last month with my H has been crazy. I try to remove myself from his drama...and Snodderly, you are right, he tries to suck me back in.

A few weeks ago h's sister came in with her family for a day from texas. BIL's father was ill so they could only spend a day in our town and had to travel to be with his family.

H called and asked if he could take d13 to see them. No problem I said. He asked if s16 would like to come....I asked s16 and he did not want to be in a car with H. A little while later, s16 asked if I could drive him down to see him. He would be ok with being at h's sister's house with H there...just not in a car.

I called H to say...hey, S16 wants to come, he is ok with you being there, how about I drop them off and you don't have to drive up to get them. I have errands to run and I can later pick them up...Well the big baby says he's not coming if s16 won't ride with them. So, I dropped the kids off and picked them up. H's loss.

He later called to tell me that from now on if s16 wants to come to any of his family events he must go with H or not come at all. According to him s16 must learn there arre consequences. I couldn't believe the words were coming out of his mouth. This is his child. Given to us by God. And now he wants to give him this ultimatum...in order for him to be forced to go with him.

I really didn't want to get into it with H, but i did speak my mind and asked him how he can do this to his child. Bad enough he wants to break up his immediate family, now he want to remove s16 from the extended family.

So childish.

After that I really pulled back from H. He came over for s16's b-day and gave him his gifts. S16 stayed in the room and opened them with him, but really couldn't handle H being there.

For d13's b-day he came by and cooked her dinner. When he asked if he could cook for her, I thought he was taking her to his parent's house and cooking down there....no he came to my house.

No matter how hard I try to distance a little...he creeps up. He even bought us a prime rib for easter dinner, and then I felt obligated to ask him to stop by after work.

Anyway, so as not to bore you with a long post, I will fast forward to monday. I had the day off. Kids had school. H came by before his c appt. to see d13. He drops her off at softball for me and comes back with a pack of papers to sell the house again.

This time, the price is dropped significantly. He says, either I clean it up (the house is not dirty....but there is clutter and the kids rooms...well they are teenagers) or we sell it for 40k less than he thinks it's worth.

I said to H, that I work full time, I take care of the kids full time (he works nights...as a bartender) and if he wants to do the work and sell the house, he can do it. I told him that this will crush his children. That he has taken everything from them and once again is trying to take their home.

H started in how we can't afford the house, he wants his money so that he can be free and move on. I finally lost it. I told him we afforded the house fine before he left 2 years ago.
H did the old revision of history. Started blaming me for everything again.

I realized at that point, my H can't get over past mistakes. He can't forgive me and get past our financial problems that we had from our business. It is easier for him to leave me behind and start fresh with MOW.

I finally told H that it was clear what his feelings are for me and what his intentions are. I told him that I will let him go. I will move forward and be done if that is what he wants. That I forgive him ...but I see how he will never get over the past. It is easier for him to walk away. I questioned whether he ever cared for me...it was just too easy for him to walk.

I left him with that. There was much more to the conversation, but I can't recall it all right now. I do know that my H does not like me being mad at him. He called me that evening, a few hours later, and he tried to tell me that he cared for me. I was tired and didn't want to get into it with him. I told him I see clearly now what he wants, and I am letting him have his freedom.

The next evening he called me. Asking a stupid question. I was short and brief and hung up. He called in the middle of the night and said he didn't want me to hate him. Whatever. I told him I didn't hated him, I was loving him enough to give him what he wants. I once again told him he was clear on what he wanted. That he wants to sell the house and be free. The conversation lasted almost 45 minutes. Longer than I wanted.

I know this is bad dbing. But it is me trying to do something different. Perhaps a 180. I was stuck in the mud with this man. He was coming by and acting like everything was fine..... and it's not. If he wants to be free and be with MOW then let him see what it is like without me.

I am angry. My h told d13 that he is selling the house and she will probably have to change schools, etc. D13 is so upset. I have never seen her so sad. I have asked her to go to counseling and my SIL is going to call her to try to tell her how good it will be for her to talk to a C.

D13 told me how much she misses H, how she doesn't want to move, etc. When I ask her to tell her dad how she feels, she says he is too much of a drama queen. She can't talk to him about this.

My H is destroying himself. I will not let him destroy my children or me. I will still stand for my M but right now I have pulled way back. He calls. I give short answers and get off the phone.

Let's see how he likes life without me. Perhaps he will. My h can't forgive, so I don't know if he will ever come back. I am just glad that I have the love and respect of my children.

Snodderly, If you are out there reading this, this is M*ps*y.
I pray for your words of wisdom, because I don't know if this man is gone for good or not. I pray for guidance from God, because I feel that at every turn in this crisis I have made mistakes that have prolonged this.

In the meantime, my time with my children is most important. I will not miss a thing with them and in doing that, the focus is off of H and on them. I am looking forward to spring and long walks and wonderful times.

thanks for letting me journal....

aj

[ajf328]

A few more things, perhaps BND, YR, Snodderly...anyone, perhaps your H's have said these things to you:

I told my H that I wanted him to be happy. That I hoped he was happy. He looked at me and said "do you honestly think I am happy. I come here and see my kids and I cry and you think I am happy." I wonder about this. Is this honesty. If he is so miserable and misses his kids so much....why is he still out there chasing MOW and his youth?

Just wondering!!

[job]

Hey there,
I'm glad you changed your name. I hope he's happy w/what he's done to his family. I could shake the crap out of him right about now. Notice how he drops things on you around special events/holidays? Here he is hopping along and comes by with papers for selling the home. You did the right thing by telling him that if he wants to sell the place, then come over and take care of doing what is necessary to sell it. I wouldn't lift one finger to help him with this.

You know, I've said this before, do not answer the phone after a certain time at night. He's not a baby and whatever he wants to talk about can wait until a reasonable hour, after you are up in the morning. It's time now to turn the tables a bit and show him just what life will be like when he's actually free of you the children. Does he honestly think that you are going to be there for him every minute of every day once everything is split up? I seriously doubt that you will.

He's still on the merry-go-round reaching for that illusive brass ring called happiness. He's got to finish up destroying everything good in his life before he'll discover what's been in front of him the entire time--a wonderful wife, children and life. They really do cut their noses off to spite their faces.

It's now time to put all of your focus on you and the children. Time to really cut him short on things and show him what it will be like. I'm sorry about all of this. I could really throttle him right about now.

Try to enjoy the weekend. Plan something special and leave all thoughts of him at the front door.

[ajf328]

Thanks Snodderly:
I am so happy you found me. I so value your advice and your kind words. I would not have made it this far (almost 2 yrs) without you.

I am totally with you. I have really cut him short this week. He keeps calling me at work or early evening at home for trivial things. Where is d13's practice (hello....she can tell you); where do you want me to leave you a check(never asked before). Whatever. I am keeping my answers and conversations short and brief. Not angry just a little chilled.

I want H to see exactly what life will be without me. I think he thinks nothing will change if he d's me. I think he is in total lala land.

Snodderly, my H is so lost in past mistakes and failures, that I don't think he will ever get past it to see what he lost. What he is doing to his children, gifts from God, is so incredibly selfish and said.

I just don't know why, if he is so intent on being out there on his own, free from me and the responsibilities of family life, does he not just leave me be.....why does he call about stupid things, why does he care how I feel about him.

His own self-loathing will be the end of him. It will not only destroy him but all of his relationships. I have to wonder if the counseling he is in can even help. The man does not know how to love or forgive. I used to think he would return......I am not so sure now.

SO is this the end of the line for my marriage or just another boulder blocking the exit of the MLC tunnel? Who knows? All I know is I have the kids, their love and respect, and good times ahead.

Thanks for letting me vent. Thanks for finding me.

[job]

A,
Your h thinks he wants freedom, freedom from the mundane, responsibilities, you, family, house, bill, etc. But, what he's not seeing right now is that no matter where he goes or what he does, he's going to have all of these things in his face each and every day. Yes, you and the children may not be there in the flesh, but in his mind, all of you are still there. As for the responsibilities, they will be there too. What's going on is "he can't let go". There are a number of them floating round like that. Some even get remarried and still are attached to their former spouse in some way. His calling up and chatting about mundane things is a prime example. Be courteous, but cut the calls short and get off the phone. He needs to understand that you are busy, you have the children to look after and one other thing--you have a life that you need to live.

Keep moving forward and do not look back. Time is on your side and the man upstairs will guide you.

[ajf328]

Thanks Snodderly:

I pray that God will guide me. I feel like I keep making things worse and in the long run it is my children who will suffer.

I gave my H what he wanted. I let him go. He is free to be with MOW. Yet, yesterday, I went out in the morning for a haircut and to run some errands. I must not have hear my phone but....3 missed calls from H. I call him back and he says "I guess you aren't taking my calls". Whatever.

Snodderly, is this what you previously told me about him seeing the gravy train pull away?

Anyway, I really am trying to look forward. I am still standng for my marriage, but I have to wonder if my H will ever turn the corner. He is a man so caught up in the past and past failures, that I don't see it happening. Funny, he wants everyone to forgive him easily for what he has done, but he can't forgive me or himself for the failure of our business.

When H and I talked last week and I told him that I hoped he found happiness, he said you have no idea what my life is like. If he is so unhappy being gone and is still gone,what chance is there for him to come home?

Anyway, MIL/FIL come back today from florida. H will no longer have the house to himself. S16 has increased his anger towards H with the new papers to sell the house and d13 is unhappy as well.
I wish he would open his eyes and see what he is doing to our children.

Thanks Snodderly. I do plan on moving forward. I told H this and I hope it scared him, but who knows. It is all about the kids and I right now, since H is only concerned about himself (and MOW?).

A

[job]

A,
Keep moving forward and put all of your focus on you and your children. Your h can't have it both ways, i.e., his happiness/freedom and then have you and the children as an option as well. He's going to have to choose at some point and I'm afraid he's got a long ways to go and that's why it's important that you start thinking of yourself for a change.

Your h still can't face his demons or his "failures". He wants to keep you at arm's length and yet suck you in whenever he feels he needs a "family rush". His comment about your not taking his calls--too bad. You've got a life to lead and for now, it's w/o your h in it. He made his bed, now let him lie in it for a while.

I can understand how your children feel about moving and losing their home. It's the only place that they most likely have ever known and yes, they are going to have some major issues w/their father if he continues to follow through on this. But, again, it's not your fault and you can't fix it.

I'm sure when his parents return, things will not be quite as quiet and nice over there. Step way back and let his wallow in his bed. Yep, his gravy train is starting to pull away from the station. Continue doing for you and your children. Don't be so quick in picking up the phone and do not be readily available to listen to his "poor" me conversations. It's not helping you to listen to his dribble.

A, I think I hear the conductor--time to step up on the train and start chugging out of the station a bit more. Set your boundaries and stick to them!

[ajf328]

Thanks Snodderly:

I don't mean to sound like a fool or seem to come off as needing positive reinforcement, but I do feel so worried that by pulling back and letting go .....he will be gone for good. I know it is in God's hands, but it really scares me.

Yesterday, H called early. I told him that I was taking s16 to his swim banquet and if he would like to spend time with d13 we would be gone from 5-8. He said that he would stay with her and take her to see his folks. I made it short and sweet and got off the phone.

When s16 and I got back last night, H was up with d13. S16 was not happy to see him, went in his room to put some things away, and slammed the door. H....bolted shortly after. Barely said a word to me. I thanked him for hanging with her and that was it. He looked tired.

When i woke up this morning I rolled over and there on the side of the bed was a set of grocery store key tags on a ring. I looked and they weren't mine, so I asked d13 if they were H's and she said yes, he was laying down in my room yesterday. Whatever.

Anyway, bad mom that I am snooped at d13's phone this morning. She received a tm from H last night and was acting funny after it. The tm read don't forget to ask your mom. Well she hasn't asked me anything yet. Not sure what he is cooking.

I have a feeling he wants her to start staying over with him on Monday nights again, but she hated it. If she agrees, i think it will be out of guilt. It truly upset her last time.....so I will wait and see what will transpire.

Speak of the devil. H just called. Was asking where d's practice was today. I told him. He had just come from the funeral of his mom's bestfriend. He was crying. Just kept telling me how sad it was. How sad he was? I talked with him for a little bit and then he hung up. Too emotional. We shall see how it goes.

Anyway, that's that for now. I will try to stick to my boundaries without coming across too cold. I just wish something would wake this man up. It is coming on 2 years in april and I feel like we are still right where we started.

A

[job]

A,
Not trying to sound negative, but there is always 50/50 chance he may not wake up or want to return after all of the damage he's done. You need to prepare yourself for that chance.

You've been nothing but a kind and loving woman and pulling back some shouldn't send him away. It's calling going dimmer and if you really want him to have a taste of what life is going to be without you in it, you'll need to do this. You can't continue dealing w/him and his emotional state for another year or so w/o going a bit nuts yourself. But, it's your choice.

I sense that he knows you are distancing yourself (again) and is trying to rope you back into his drama. Poor man--how sad it is? Heck, what about you and the children. He needs to stop his pity party and get that mirror out and look at himself. As long as he can continue crying to you about his selfish self and how sad he is, you will never be able to move on and keep the focus on you and your children. He really does need to see his therapist more than once a week. He's got some serious issues.

Please take care of yourself and your children. He's no good to any of you in the condition that he is right now. He needs to hit bottom and very soon.