Matilda! Good to see you. Thought you deserted me! You're right. 7 days! I've hit the automatic fire button on many occassions.
wii: we talk a good game, but every beating is another bowie knife in the stomach. I think that's why I don't talk to her. If you check out the "Christams Story", you'll see how every conversation turns into "Alice in Wonderland". Down is Up, Up is Sown, Through the Looking Glass, Jabberwocky.
Since I've been here only a short time, posting some old stuff shows that no matter how I tried to change me, she did not change at all.
You can not look for positive changes in W. You have to look for what you do that gets a DIFFERENT response from W. Almost all W's reactions to you are going to be negative because that is what she wants.
Look at your old posts to identify things you need to do differently, not to justify your decision to give up on your W.
But I suggest that maybe you do need to give up on your W, and focus on you. All your energy is still focused on seeing a change in W. You need to recognize the changes in you and reinforce and continue them inspite of Ws negativity. Only after you demonstrate a long term consistency of different behavior will W even begin to think about giving your m a chance.
Your W will not even begin to consider changing until you show her months of the new you.
You are going to have to focus on yourself and YOUR behaviors and act the way you want to act for several months before you can expect to see any change at all in your W.
Yes, I keep saying the same thing several times, because that is the essence of winning this war with your family and you have got to focus on the long term with your W or there is no way you will get what you want. Based on the short term, none of us want a long term r with w!
You have to give W time, TIME , to make her own decision. You have the strength to focus on yourself and change behaviors you know are counterproductive with W. You have the patience to give W time to recognize the benefits of m and eventually see that you are making a genuine effort.
When I ran out of patience and strength, my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ provided what I needed, all I had to do was ask Him.
During leave, don't make plans with kids that exclude W. Keep an open invitation and keep your mouth shut. Find polite ways to avoid participating in controversy, but don't try to shut down W, let her vent and don't respond (politely refuse to participate)
It was important for my W that I not try and solve her complaints, especially when they were directed at me. The more I try to point out how I've changed, the more adamant she is that it's not real. When I shut my mouth and control my body language, W unloads on me and I focus on acting as if and we are able to move forward again. I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR YEARS NOW! It is not easy, it is not fun, and I more often than not have to start all over again, but when I look back, my family is a lot farther down a path toward peace and happiness than I thought possible, and we are still together.
FLTC, chose to keep fighting - change your objective from seeing W change to validating and continuing to change yourself and give W the option, not an order, to stay in the convoy of your family moving on.
T2,You're right. The essence of it all is what you said: You are going to have to focus on yourself and YOUR behaviors and act the way you want to act for several months before you can expect to see any change at all in your W.
I'm not excluding W., but here's the innocuous email that I sent her today. Seems harmless, right? Let's see how she responds. What do you think the issues will be? Any guesses? I have puposely told her that I will stay elsewhere to avaoid a huge tension convention. I could have DEMANDED that she leave for a few days, but eh?
Anyway, here it is:
Here’s the itinerary for the kids flights. (ALL KIDS)are all on the same flight to Orlando. I was able to do that once I knew that D17 was flying from LGA. (RATHER THAN UTAH IF SHE REAMINED IN THE SCHOOL FOR TROUBLED KIDS) I was not able to get her on the same return flight, but her flight departs Orlando about an hour later than D16 and S10. I will be flying home after the kids for a couple of days. I spoke with D17, and we are tentatively planning a visit to _______ State, and why not University of___ while we’re at it. I will depart for Orlando on the 23rd. I have to fly out of the same airport that the Army flies me into. I will make arrangements for my accommodations.
Visiting colleges with D17 will be an extra bonus. I'm glad you'll get to see your children for a few extra days instead of you staying in a motel by yourself for that time. It might also give you some time to get copies of your bank statements and look at the apartments in real life instead of just on the internet???? This is your R&R, though, so hope the time after Orlando will not be too stressful for you, FLTC!
while I know it's inevitable, ther has always been a litle piece of my that seems to dent the inevitable and hold out. Here's an email from W. which makes it pretty clear.
This weekend we are switching bedrooms for the kids. We need to get the girls two twin beds to fit everyone in the room. Do you want us to save one of the beds we have for you and if so which one, queen or full?
OK. I have to repsond to which matress I would like, and why not, because I will need a bed. Although I know that a divorce is inevitable, each message like this makes me nauseous, and her timing seems inpeccable. I don't think I could ever live with her bitterness, anger, bi-polar behavior or inability to forgive, but I see my poor kids family further slipping away from them. I really want to address her spending, which seems to still be out of control. Is now the time for me to get off the the joint credit card? Can I do that?
Even as she wrote this, I can envision her hateful face, much as it was the day when we told the kids we were separating. As she drove us down the beach, she had a cigarette dangling from her mouth, sucking on it like she was trying to draw her last breath. I looked at her, and did not recognize what had become of her. She had become an acid-filled, angry monster. She couldn't get to the kids fast enough to tell them. It was like I wasn't in the car. It was a train I could not begin to stop from July 2005 onward, but this is like a kick in the teeth. I realize that I'll have many teeth yet to have kicked out, but only if I let it feel ttha way. How do those of you with kids stop the hurt of remembering what it was like when you were all a family. It is absolutely gut-wrenching to me.
Please let me know about the letter.
Queen is fine.
Let me try and explain my concern on the Jeep from my position 7000 miles away. Very little of my concern is the financial impact of the vehicle. I am missing a lot of the facts, but here’s how I feel.
Financially, it may be a zero-cost event as you’ve said from a financial point of view. My concern is that a male nonfamily member has given my daughter what I believe is such an over-the-top gift, no matter what his motives are, and I had no say in it. It would be like if I had emailed you and told you that I had developed a close friendship with a female four-star general who I worked for, who had decided to buy D17 a car for graduation. Given the current state of our family, under no conditions could I possibly accept the vehicle.
Given everything, although traveling to Vietnam and Thailand are great experiences, I’m not sure $10,000 worth of expenses are the right thing to do right now, not matter how great an experience or how much D16 deserves it, which she greatly does. I’m not sure keeping the Suburban makes sense under any conditions, especially with the price of gas, and while I don’t know the conditions of the lease, keeping it makes no sense in addition to your current car.
I’m not in your shoes, but I really don’t know how $10,000 worth of airline tickets accumulated. Even at $500 a trip, I don’t recall 20 trips.
GET YOUR NAME OFF THE CREDIT CARDS!!!!! You may have to put it in wrting (probably will) but start by calling the companies and explaining the sitch, that way you will know what each company requires. I can guarantee that there is nothing that feels any better than to finally take a stand. If the divorce is going to be a reality it certainly won't be because you stood up and told her that you weren't going to allow her to use you anymore. Do this for your future financial health. If your kids really need something encourage them to talk to you about it.
I hate to say it but right now she's the "Queen of everything" and has left you wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy out in the cold.
FLTC Do as Bethie says. Your STBX will stick it to you financially, if she hasn't already. Take whatever she is willing to depart with. After-All you bought it. God Bless
I realize that I'll have many teeth yet to have kicked out, but only if I let it feel that way. How do those of you with kids stop the hurt of remembering what it was like when you were all a family. It is absolutely gut-wrenching to me.
Which hurt is worse? The hurt of the memory of the good times, or the hurt of the life with the 'acid monster' now?
One of those you can heal.
Quote:
Given everything, although traveling to Vietnam and Thailand are great experiences, I’m not sure $10,000 worth of expenses are the right thing to do right now, not matter how great an experience or how much D16 deserves it, which she greatly does.
Question: Are you really 'not sure'? Alpha males are decisive.
