There comes a time in our life where we say "no more". I think your last posts are leading you there. I know what you've been through (maybe). Cause I'm surely not where you are right now. It must be so frustrating. I know how you reach a point where you have to say that.
You have to reach that point. Only you can say you can't take any more.
Did you leave a power of attorney with your W? If you did, you need to go to jag and revoke it. It seems as if she's using that to damage you now. Nobody needs to be damaged any longer.
Geez, FL, I wish you weren't where you are. I wish you had to power to do what you need to do.
Hearing about the whole Jeep thing was a huge kick unexpected in the gut... It was a shock to your system. And all that on top Iraq...the news reports indicate that things are acting up again - and from your posts your unit is probably affected. Everything has been going on a long time - it is wearing you down.
When are you going to Florida and meeting with your kids? You are getting two weeks off?
Sometimes we need to take a break when it seems like we can least afford to do so. But it is essential to be able to have the energy to do what we need to do. And you have Iraq and the possible D on your plate.
I am guessing you are mentally exhausted. Take some time off. Go have fun with you kids. Go do something for yourself. Take a break from the drama. This will all be waiting for you when you are rested. I know you won't be able to get away from the D stuff in your head. But relaxing and taking care of you will recharge your batteries and give you the strength to cope with whatever the future holds for you.
So what are you plans with the kids? And what are your plans after they go home?
FLTC, There's just no way I can catch up on your sitch or promise to stay on the BB, so I hope you don't mind if I pop in now and then.
I did read your analagoy of the emotional rooms and really liked it. One of the things I was hoping for when you started pursuing this deployment was that you WILL be able to forge a connection between some of your emotional rooms. The military discipline and lessons of self control are essential for you to apply to YOURSELF in your home situation.
My sitch is much better, and my W's attitude has come 180, not because of anything that I did, I've actually backslide and now W is coaching me on taking care of myself and maintaining a positive attitude!
I was very focused on applying the DBing principles on myself, and finally realized that I was preparing myself for the life I wanted to live, if W was part of it, great, if not - that was her choice and I was only going to demonstrate how I was ready to be a loving partner. I stopped trying to change W's behavior or attitude.
W finally got a good job but with a long commute. Several months later (and after W started reading 'The Secret'), W admitted to me that she had been planning on getting an apartment closer to her work and leaving me. She had been saying she was going to move out all along, but now was financially independent and could put action to her threats.
Long before she got the job, I had stopped responding to her threats (a 180 for me). I continued as best as I could to act happy and supportive and take care of myself and our family. W would go into storming, slamming, trashing fits. I learned to sit and let her wave of anger wash over and through and quickly out of the house. I stopped trying to influence her attitude and emotions.
I did respond to her primary love language of physical touch, and as soon as possible would massage her neck, or scratch her arm or wrap her up in a full body hug. I'll tell you, it often took all my Marine Corps discipline to ignore my natural reactions and walk up to this snarling, bitter, nasty alien and ignore the hateful comments to leave her alone and start rubbing her neck. Almost always my hugs were met with initial stiffness and resistance. I was not 'forcing myself on her' I was responding to what I knew to be her primary love language and meeting what I had learned was her deepest, underlying unrealized need.
I was doing this not just because I had figured out it was what she needed, but because that is how I wanted my marriage to work. I was going to show love - returned or not.
When I came home from my deployment, I was determined to fix my family, and my W left me and kids halfway to DisneyWorld to go back to her boyfriend. It got even worse after that, but I did not lose sight of how I wanted my family and my responsibility to act the way I wanted.
You do not have to develop a reactive plan to W's emotions and actions. Implementation of your plan will have to wait until you're home, but if it's YOUR plan, with realistic and equal room for W, you implement your plan and let W decide to participate or not.
wii: Yeah, I knew posting old stuff would get this reaction, but when I read "Christmas 2006", I started to cringe, thinking, "Wow. What a beat down I took. No one deserves this". Since I've been here only a short time, posting some old stuff shows that no matter how I tried to change me, she did not change at all.
The only thing left is to prepare for a life with me and my kids. Period. Despite Smarmylawyerboss, I have to take the moral high ground. I could never live with myself if I resorted to her behavior in a "Christmas Story"
Dom, wii: You have great advice. The reaction will come, no matter what. It's not "if", it's "when". She still has the ability to control my emotions, by making me feel like the biggest deadbeat spouse and dad of all time. Just look at her email. I KNOW THAT I CANNOT REACT TO THAT, BUT IT'S DIFFICULT. That is, however, where I need to go.
T2: Great to hear from you! Semper Fi! I'm really happy for you. We posted to each other during some of your darkest days, and I'm glad that you still find me occasionally.
Have you seen the new Marine Corps commercial with the silent drill team! Absolutely awesome! Man, you guys got it right. We're still throwing money at Soldiers and the hopes of "College Tuition". The Marine Corps commercial is simple "They have always defended this nation, and each other, and they still do". No Army Strong, no college stuff, no Strong Army Families like they brainwash us with on AFN! You're a good man. Your wife is lucky. I can't imagine coming home from this cauldron and have my W. walk away from the family at Disneyworld! You're a saint.
You all had good advice. I know what the course is. All of us here do, but it's much harder for all of us to implement it, and that's why we're here.
To quote the motto of Norwich University: "I will try!" (Weak, but true!)
Leave is coming up on 7 April. Kuwait to Atlanta to FL to my kids. 7 days with minimal talk about "MOM" or other stuff. Totally kid-focused. I promise you all we will have the best time!
Michelle: I have heard of this, and tried to view it on "YouTube" in our internet cafe, because my desk computer blocks YouTube, but the bandwidth is so crappy, that it plays for 4 seconds andfreezes fo 15. Over and over, until I want to put my size 13 "BOOT, ARMY, DESERT" throught he screen!
Gotta love technology. If you have the patience to sit through any of it, the last 4 min of the second part are the truly controversial part because he goes on about how the Netherlands will change by allowing Muslims to continue to immigrate without forcing them to integrate into their liberal society.
Hang in there.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
