crs, No apology necessary...I've enjoyed reading what people have to say about sharing/learning details about the affairs. I'm still thinking about what I should do regarding this.
Journaling: I have been feeling better about my situation over the last few weeks. I haven't struggled with wanting to call my husband about unnecessary things (I only call if I need info. right then concerning the children), my feelings aren't hurt when he leaves my house earlier than I expect, I no longer sit and wonder if he is trying to start a relationship with the OW again. It isn't that I don't love him anymore, or as much, or am deciding that my marriage isn't worth working on/saving. I am just becoming more accepting of this season of my life. I am finally able to keep my emotions fully in check so that I can be more like the happy, confident person I was before this nightmare happened. I just keep thinking, He doesn't want to come home to someone feeling so sorry for herself or needy about him that she can't get it together. And hopefully this will help him remember and miss what he has left. But if it doesn't, I'll certainly be better off when we divorce if I am already focusing on the other important things in my life and not worrying all the time about him.
All that said, I still struggle with not talking about our relationship when we're together. From what I've read on this forum, alot of people advocate not ever talking about where the marriage stands/what decisions the betraying spouse is going to make/etc. I almost always say something about our relationship. I no longer ask if he has thought about what he wants to do (stay married, come home, divorce, etc.), and I don't criticize him for not apologizing, leaving, being moody, etc. I just don't see what the heck people talk about after the first ten minutes or so when they see each other and they are separated and an affair has happened and nothing has been resolved. Am I the only person struggling with this or giving in to it? For example, my husband showed up at 8:00 yesterday morning and stayed until 12:30 p.m. He left, saying he would come over today. Three hours later, he's back, with no explanations, in a good mood, hangs out until 6:00. We don't usually spend that much time together, and of course with the children around we don't discuss anything about any of this. But when they are playing and away from us, it's hard to make small talk for that long. We talked about the kids, my family, his job, etc., but it seems impossible to chit-chat for hours. What am I supposed to do? What is best in this situation?
I fight a losing battle with the same thing. My H and I talk everyday and there is ALWAYS R talk. I just can't seem to help it either. For me, its that there is no resolution. We are S and I don't know if he is coming home, staying where he is or ending up with the OW, so its really hard for me to talk about other stuff when my life is stuck in idle.
If I knew he was coming home, I could move one. If I knew he wasn't, I could move on. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is hell and makes DB'ing a total nightmare. So to make a long answer short. I too struggle with the non-relationship thing.
Your H will "get over" the OW, he just needs time to not only mourn the relationship, but he is probably feeling sorry for himself and kicking himself at the same time. He will need to work out his feelings in his own way/time. Just keep doing what you are doing, as it seems to be working.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
grumpyeby, Thanks for the encouragement! Being separated is almost like living in limbo...at first I thought there was no way I'd ever be over him, then I realized that life went on without him here, although not life like I have always hoped it would be. Yet, because I'm committed to my husband and our marriage, I can hardly think about moving on because there's still a chance that he'll come back. And after being married and then going through this affair, it's like everything we talk about leads us right back to our relationship. If I tell him about something funny one of the kids said on a night he wasn't here, I'm automatically thinking about the fact that he wasn't here and he should be, etc.
I feel like I do a good job not being pitiful in the relationship talk...a vast improvement from where I was a few weeks after he left. We are also able to joke about our situation (to some extent), and being friendly definately feels better than constantly being at odds.
I hope all works out well for you. I'll have to visit your thread so I know more about your situation. Have a great day!
Hi jasmine, boy do I feel the same as you. Even though being separated right now is better for me, I never realized its just another limbo phase, huh? Of course, we could file and end it ourselves, but I am not ready for that either.
I feel like you that even though we are so distant, I could never 'move on' right now, for I still love my H, not to mention I'm a mess and in need of repair before getting sent back out there to the real world.
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We are also able to joke about our situation (to some extent), and being friendly definately feels better than constantly being at odds.
We can do this too. The first day after H moved out, he walked in the house and could barely walk. I asked him what happened and he sheepishly said "I slept in a bed last night for the first time in almost a year". We both busted out laughing for whatever reason, but yes, its better than anger. Sometimes the jokes are too much (both of us do it) but even then, we can look at each other and say something like "Not funny yet....".
I have vowed to not bring the R up since he moved out, and I have done well for almost 5 weeks, haven't brought it up once. You should be proud too!
lwb, Wow, five weeks with no relationship talk...that's awesome!! I don't know that I'll ever be able to go that long, and alot of times things are out of my mouth or I allow the conversation to go where it probably shouldn't because I'm not paying enough attention. I hope things go well for you...I'll have to read over your thread so I can see what's going on with you...
Journaling: Where is my normal, boring life I had a year ago? Life around here is just weird right now! Last night I found out that my husband bought a motorcycle. On ebay. It lives in Connecticut. We live in Tennessee. It can't drive here by itself. Sooooo...road trip to Connecticut Thursday with our DS7. He had a motorcycle before (not my son, my husband :)...sold it a year ago...has wanted another one ever since...even though I don't think it's the greatest decision ever, whatever. And I've never been to Connecticut, and I love road trips. It will involve spending a couple of nights in hotels, which may be kind of awkward, but I felt like it wasn't safe for him to go alone. I casually asked if I could come along, and he was like, "Yeah, that would be great." And he said he hadn't wanted to go by himself.
It was a really great opportunity to DB, because before all of this I would have flipped out about him buying another motorcycle (kind of pricey), him buying a Connecticut motorcycle, him buying a Connecticut motorcycle that he has to go pick up...you get the picture. I was soooo tempted to call him last night about it, but then I thought, Hey, that's the old Jasmine. The new fabulous Jasmine will not worry about it, will go to bed, will talk about it tomorrow, and will not act like it causes any kind of worry or disorder in her fantastic life. And that's what I did. So now he's all excited about the road trip and me packing the cooler and finding historic sites to see with our son, etc. He says it's about an 18-hour drive, so I'm seriously doubting that I will be able to keep myself from talking about our relationship at all, but having our son will help tremendously on that front. I want to take advantage of this bizarre (and so unexpected) opportunity, but I'll have to keep playing it cool and DB like crazy.
Hi Jasmine.. I just watned to stop by and say hello. It seems like our time line is simillar- M7 years, July/07-A, July-Oct A continued, November Separation...(oh I have kids 7 and 2) We may be in the simmilar state of mind..
My H comes and go as please to see kids. He is out of marriage though he does not talk about D yet. I am getting used to the living without H but think about the past alot. What happened to my life..?
Beauty
Me:31 H:29 D:7 S:2 M:7y Together:8y found out his A :07/07 bomb:11/01/07 s: 11/15/07 OW-1 is out of state; other female friends around first thread
Jasmine, As painful as it is for you to be going through your H's affair, know that a marriage can not only survive infidelity, but over time, become stronger as you both work at mending your relationship. I know that you are not there yet. It takes time to process the choices, actions, and consequences that created this situation. Your H seems to be aware of some of his responsibilities. It is also good that he acknowledges his wrong doing, but his actions have to back up his words. Ownership of one's errors is the first step towards change, so I commend you for admitting you were involved in an emotional affair. It's also a good sign that you felt "miserable" and chose to end it (you backed up your feelings with action). Whether your H used this as justification to have an affair or not -- he is still responsible for his decisions and behavior. You ask if he needs more time to get over her and the whole experience before he can make decisions about you both. Probably, but do you know what you want in your marriage, and of him? You state that you're "trying really hard to be longsuffering." Jasmine, this is still all fresh, it's normal to feel a wide range of emotions. Don't try to supress your feelings, expressing how you feel is part of the healing process. Perhaps, because of your pain, fears, and maybe guilt, you might be cushioning the natural consequences of his actions? I like this insight of yours: "Times in life like this are full of such significance and hold such potential for changing all dreams and preconceived notions about life and relationships that it seems almost blasphemous to not take hours writing about it." You are right, times such as this are indeed significant; they are a crucible, where dross is burned, our souls are polished, and we are made stronger because of it. And, yes, you should write about it -- in your journal! It will be cathartic for you, and tomorrow, as you face different situations, you will remember how strong you were, and how you overcame.
Thanks, Leni and Beauty! I feel like I have expressed the emotions I have felt, except when it was obvious that doing so would not help my cause to restore my marriage (being noticably sad every time he comes over, etc.) I do have guilt I have to deal with that alot of other people don't, but yeah, my husband was certainly capable of reacting to what I did in other ways.
Journaling: Didn't do the best job DBing this afternoon. Why can't I keep my mouth shut about certain things? My family is really pressuring me about my husband not making a decision, not telling me what he's thinking about as far as whether he has any intention of making the marriage work, continuing to make selfish decision (expensive motorcycle in Connecticut being the latest). So I asked him (nicely) this afternoon if he could just give me an idea of what he's thinking right now. Not his ultimate decision regarding whether or not we stay married...just his feelings about what's going on now. But he didn't want to talk about it, said he couldn't really express what he's feeling...asked me at one point what was the worst thing I could hear right now...what in the world does that mean???? I told him that the worst would be that he's going to file for divorce. He didn't respond with anything much.
Then, I had to call him tonight( about something unrelated to all this), and I just asked, "Are you staying separated because you don't want to pay child support? Are you not pursuing divorce because you don't want to struggle financially? Because I've put up with a whole lot, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to work on this marriage, even if it means giving you more time to deal with stuff. But I don't want to be strung along just because you can't afford to divorce me."
He said we'll talk Sunday night when we get home from Connecticut. I don't expect to hear anything good (unless a miracle occurs), so now I feel miserable that I once again brought up stuff that should probably be left unsaid. Then again, should I coast along forever, falsely hoping that he's missing me or trying to get over the OW and affair and work on us, when in reality he's remaining married on paper only so that he can feel less pressure financially? And what happens if I talk to a mediator, and once he/she looks over our finances, I learn that my husband cannot afford to divorce me? What then? He acts like he'll magically be able to come up with enough money to live on should we divorce, but he's employed wishful, ridiculous thinking throughout this whole mess.
I guess I'm just feeling really sad and frustrated tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Been awhile since I posted, but so much has happened that I needed some time to sort it out. I found out during our road trip to Connecticut that the affair has continued between my H and OW. They maybe took a month off between Thanksgiving and Christmas, but otherwise it is still on. So that means this has been going on for 10 months. When I found out (by questioning him about texting, staying in the truck while my son and I ate dinner), I was really sad, stayed pretty calm, asked just a few questions, etc. I told him I didn't want to contact a lawyer, he reluctantly said he might talk to one, and the trip ended with us friendly but distant. He has not spoken to a lawyer, and has not brought up talking to one.
So, now I at least know what battle I'm actually fighting. I thought he just needed time to get over the OW and affair when it was actually going on almost the whole time we've been separated. I am amazed that he hasn't filed for divorce yet, because the OW has (of course) been pushing him to make a decision. So, as crazy as I have felt at times, and as many times as I have gotten irritated with him or talked about our R when I shouldn't have, he still has not pursued a divorce. So I guess that's proof that Dbing works, and at the very least makes a difference.
I am concerned that he wants our children to see OW/spend time with her. I've been clear from the beginning that I do not want that to happen, and because she was very close to my family, I feel it would be damaging and confusing to the children to see her in the context of a relationship with their daddy. I found out that he wanted to take the kids to see her at work one night, she (sweet person that she is - not) said it wasn't a good idea because I don't want the kids around her, and he didn't take them. When I confronted him about this, he said he had been more or less joking, and he promised that because I was adamant that they not see her, he would respect my wishes. Of course, everything out of his mouth (well, almost everything) has been a lie. So I don't know whether I believe him or not.
I'm going to talk to a lawyer Monday about legal separation, and I want to know if we can specify in the papers that OW cannot be around the children at all. I don't know yet if I'm going to file for a legal separation; I just need to speak to a lawyer and find out more about it. I think my husband would have to begin paying child support (he still pays all our bills), would probably need a lawyer now (he doesn't have the money for one right now), and I know he doesn't want me to file for a legal separation. So I'm really torn.
I feel like the relationship with my H and OW will, in time, self-destruct, and if I can hold out long enough, we might still be married when it does. They are both incredibly selfish people, have terrible financial sense, have nasty tempers, and this makes the third affair she's had in the last five years. She is also verrrry materialistic, and my H cannot afford her. As far as their relationship goes, they are at the peak of it right now. This is the best it's ever going to be, financially and otherwise. I know I can outlast her unless my husband files for divorce before they break it off.
So what should I do? Will a legal separation probably put even more distance between us? Will it push him toward her even more? What should I be doing right now to be the attractive option in this situation? Any thoughts are very much appreciated! Thanks for reading this long post!!
