My H has been having a full-blown EA with another woman for some time now, but we are still living together. He still denies the affair and has somehow managed to blame everything bad in his life on me. Its amazing how he can twist it all and find me at fault for everything. He says his psychiatrist (whom he sees once a week) says that this marriage is bad for him. I can't see how he can say that having never even spoken to me. I have told H that I want to talk to his psychiatrist, but he says that I can't, that I need to talk to a psychologist and find out why I'm so selfish and I don't want to help him through his depression like his OW. OW, by the way, suffers from depression herself, has affairs (both lesbian and heterosexual) on her husband, and as far as I can tell is with my H because he makes her feel wanted and loved. She will never willingly leave her H because she loves the money he makes (lots) and the money is more important than anything. My H works away from home and when he says he has to work extra days, I suspect he is spending them with her. I don't know what to do anymore. I would love to talk to his shrink and tell him what is really going on, someone needs to hear my side of the story. I think that these two mentally ill people are feeding off of each other and neither will ever be well as long as they're together, but thats just my opinion. Should I insist on seeing his psychiatrist?
You haven't said what it is that you want from this? Do you want your H? I'm not sure, but I don't think the psychiatrist will talk to you about your H. He might talk to you about you and the situation, but not about him because of confidentiality. I know how hurtful this must be for you and my heart goes out to you...
Are you seeking C? Maybe you should see a good C to help you figure out what YOU want and need and just start there. Unfortunately we can't change other people. If we could, these would be very lonely boards.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I would think that your H would be able to con his C for a little while (sounds like he might be doing that maybe?), but that any decent C would be able to figure out that he is prob. not being honest. My H does that too, doesn't like to give the C info or be honest, and I don't get that. What is the point of therapy if you are being like that???!!!
My H also has blamed me for everything that goes wrong in his life (if he misses his keys or something, now his poor R with his kids). My C says that is a very difficult problem for people to fix/work on, and she seems pretty negative about that trait in my H being helped by counseling.
My H continues to have anger & blaming problems, and I have suggested he get a new C (he has been seeing this one for several months now supposedly) or maybe he should see the C more often (he only goes twice a month). If it is a new therapist in your H's case, maybe you should give it time and see if the therapist helps, and if not, you can suggest your H go to a new therapist. You know most therapists won't tell their patients whether a marriage is good or bad, or whether they should stay in it or not (unless there is abuse going on) so I wonder if your H is being honest with you that his C really said that or twisting something the C said also??? Karen
H has been seeing this Dr. since he was hospitalized for depression and suicidal ideation 3 years ago. He trusts him. I wish the Dr would help him to take control and ownership of his problems instead of (seemingly) also blaming me for H's feelings of loss of control of his brain and personality. Apparently OW "knows" just how he feels and is his "soulmate" that way, and wants to help him and I just "don't care." I think that she just says what he wants to hear, and, as she is mentally ill herself, she is not doing him any good at all. What am I supposed to do...apologize for not being mentally ill and able to deal with life, when they can't? I worry that if I don't get them apart, they will come up with a suicide pact because it's "romantic" and they will be "two souls together forever" and all that other dreck. Pardon me for being practical and trying to move forward with my life. For wanting my life and my H and our great M back and moving ahead instead of wallowing in their pool of "no one understands/wants to help me" self pity. Yes, I understand that depression is an illness, but two depressed self-centered people are not going to help each other much, if anything they are going to make each other worse.
Thank you..that's a very interesting point. I really don't think he wants to leave me at this time, because...where would he go? His OW will not leave her (rich) H, and he says that even though his Dr says our M is bad for him, he still wants to stay and try. Problem is, I don't see him trying very hard. He says that if he gives up OW, he might as well die. He has transferred our whole married relationship from me to her, then accuses me of not caring. He has been working a lot of extra days lately, and I have to assume he is lying and spending the time with her. She has been away for 3 weeks and now she has just come back and suddenly he has to work extra shifts. I have caught him lying before and he has not stopped, I'm sure, I just haven't confronted him about it. I'm tired and I want to forget about this for a while. I have been GAL, and due to the infidelity diet, am 30+ lbs lighter and looking good. I am looking for and IC, so that I have someone to talk to, maybe join a social group for the betrayed so I don't feel alone. I would still like to see his psychiatrist, maybe just to give him a more balanced picture.
Karen