Popping over from Newbies...seperated 2 months

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

Good post on martyr.
Though many here are in difficult circumstances refusing to be a victim whereas you may been wronged but do not wallow in the pity is huge step in healing.

The above does not include normal grieving for a death or a loved one or a relationship. That's a process. Refusing to move though that process falls under your post. Though the process does take some time and for some a lot of time.

[addie]

That's definitely not a backslide.

[JenInVen]

At the beginning of our sitch H would spend more time around. He still has his keys so can come and go. Now however he doesn't usually stay very long and sometimes he'll be here when D and I are out. We'll arrive home and I'll see clues that he was here. For example today we went to a magic show and then dinner with a friend and when we came home I saw a candy wrapper was left on the table, an empty juice container was in the garbage and the clothes dryer was warm. He was here while we were gone. But why? I mean is he avoiding me? I think I might make him uncomfortable. Have any of you guys ran into something like this?

Jen

[addie]

The first couple of months of our S when things were really bad between us, H would avoid me. A few times he came over to watch S while I was at a course but left before I arrived so that he wouldn't run into me.
Your H may be feeling guilt??? Did he know you'd be out during that time? Maybe he intended to see you but you were out longer than he anticipated and he had to leave for whatever reasons. Just some thoughts.

[cw68]

Change the "I think I might make him uncomfortable" to "he may be uncomfortable around me." He's responsible for his feelings, not you.

I think Addie might be on to something here, did H know you were out and out for a while? Did he call to talk to D later?

[One Day]

Hi Jen,

Hope you'r having a good day today. I read on RollerCoaster Riders old threads that her H used to come round often when she was out (she was a success story BTW). She said that he was a drop-in and that it was a way of trying to maintain a connection to home, I think (I will try and find the relavant post although it was a while ago that I saw it).

L.xx

[JenInVen]

Thanks guys!

He knew we'd be out on Sunday afternoon but not Saturday morning. He never calls to talk to D so no he never called either day. In terms of having a connection at home? It could be since he still comes by to do his laundry (says he's paying eletricity here) and yesterday he had a snack while here. He is definitely a "drop in".

CW you're right I can't make him feel anything. They're his emotions.

Addie, How long did this avoidance last? Come to think of it I remember that part when you first come to these BBs.

One day, I'd love to read that post if you find it. I'll search under her name too.

Thanks
Jen

[stella_k]

Hi((Jen)),

Since you cannot know what's happening in his head, you should try to stop thinking about his motives. easier said then done, I know. Personally I'm thinking along the lines of "connection to home", but I'm not an expert there.

[JenInVen]

Yeah your right Stella. It is time consuming and mentally exhausting to worry about what he thinks and what motivates him.

I called him yesterday but he didn't answer the phone. Sent me a TM that said "can't answer, sorry". He called me today and I didn't answer. He then popped up for a few minutes and asked me. "both phones don't work?" I told him that only one was broken. So he wanted to know why I didn't answer. Told him I didn't get to the phone in time I didn't call back. He said he had needed for me to make an invoice but it was too late now and the guy had left and now we'd have to wait to get paid etc. I told him that he should've called again if it was so important. I'm not about to feel bad for not answering the phone. If it was so important to him he could have called back.

Point of the post is? Why is it that he doesn't have to answer HIS phone but I do?

I'm not sure that NOT answering my phone is going to work well with H. He's a stubborn man. Might end up that he won't answer my calls either. I don't want to get into a stubborn fight of wills over this.

Any advice?

Jen

[cw68]

Is there laundry where he lives now? Do you think that is more of an excuse or a reality?