I talked to H this morning and he said he wasn't leaving, and I said I wanted to know if he was just saying that to keep me guessing and then he would make the BIG EXIT in a few years, and he said no, and I asked could I get that in writing, and he said yeah, and I said we would write it up and sign it on our anniversary.
He asked me what I wanted to do on our anniversary, and I said I don't know, what do you want to do. He said I want us to do something, like go out of town for a couple of days. That really surprised me. I figured that he would just want to cook out or something.
So, I am waiting for the right time to tell him that ow's # was on his phone.
It's been a long time but I saw your post and thought I'd check in on you.
My advice is not to tell him what you know. It gives you more power to have this knowledge to yourself right now.
Ask yourself what is to be gained by telling him. Of course you WANT for him to tell you something reassuring, but honestly, will it matter what he says? He will be put on the defensive. He may lie to you. He will feel intruded upon.
Right now he feels guilty and he is going to work a little harder for you to trust him. Once you show him he is the bad guy again, he will lose his desire to make up.
I say keep it under your hat for now. See how things play out. If he is seeing ow woman again, you won't be able to stop it by confronting him with it.
Do keep your eyes open though. Absolutely take him up on the offer to go off for a weekend! Let yourself have fun and enjoy each other's company. Let him see YOU are the woman for him.
Breaking it off with the ow is hard and can take a while and who knows--she may be trying to beg him to go back and he is spending time trying to tell her it won't work. Who knows, but for now, you have the knowledge which, is power and if you ever need to, you can use it.
Sorry you're going through this, it must be tough.
You would never believe this, but I was looking for you this morning, but it kept messing up and wouldn't let me do any more searches. Were your ears burning??
How on earth are you?
You know, I don't think I should let him know everything I know, too, for the same reason. And he would definitely lie, I know this. And be defensive.
So, is that what it possibly is? That he is having a tough time ending contact. I wondered, especially when he made the comment "why, did she call you"? I wonder if she threatened to do so. Hmmm..., something to think about.
Thanks, I needed that. That's one reason why I was looking for you, I have been wondering how things were going with you, and know you have given me some of the best advice, even while you were going through an incredibly tough time yourself.
Well, I believe in cosmic connections--I'm glad I checked in when I did.
Yes, I think it is VERY possible that what is happening is a lot less dire than you may think.
Our minds go to the worst place. We have been hurt and it is hard to trust again so it is only natural that we go immediately to the "he is cheating again" place. But I think it is important to try to fight that right now.
Instead of looking at what seems like hard evidence (the phone calls), look at his behavior. Has he been sneaky, quiet, cagey, coming home late, using the computer more, less intimate, etc? You know the signs of an affair--do you see them? Or is the only thing the phone calls? I would think that if it is only the phone calls raising your suspicion, then it is a very strong possibility that she is trying to rope him back in. Perhaps she wants his council--claiming problems with her marriage again or other "woe is me" sob stories. He may be trying to be the "nice" guy and may even feel somewhat obligated to help her. Cops--you know they have a weak spot for the damsel in distress syndrome.
If it is just her trying to rope him back in and him trying to be nice and deal with her in his own way, he probably doesn't want to tell you because he knows it will make a lot of waves and set your progress back a ton. Did you two ever see a counselor after the affair? I think it's important to have a third party to help people through post affair stuff so that it is not YOU telling him no contact but rather a therapist or advisor of some sort. He may be reluctant to take "orders" from you but from a clergyman or therapist it might be more palatable.
So my dear, what you must remember is that you are the prize and she is the skanky ho who prays on married men. You are the one who won back his heart and as proof he is telling you that it is all about you right now. He is suggesting a get away--DO IT!!! He is trying, in his own way to tell you that no matter what is going on with ow right now, you are the one he wants to be with.
Give him the benefit of the doubt. Let the ow cook her own goose--she probably will. By pestering him she will drive him away but if you confront him, who knows, you may drive him to her. I'd also recommend you be nice to him--don't pull away too much or be too cold to him--try to read his body language and see if affection brings him closer. Don't be overly nice to him or anything, but don't pull away too much either--remember to look and smell good at all times--that never hurts!
Heck woman, I don't know how a man's mind works, let alone your husband's mind, but you have come so far and I think you need to be smart about how you play this.
Stay alert of course, and if things seem hinky, trust your gut, but things are not always as they appear so don't let yourself become jaded or paranoid. I still think it is wisest to keep the upper hand by not revealing that you snooped. It may undermine much of what you have managed to accomplish over the last year. Also, keep S out of it as much as possible.
As for me...yes, I probably need to update my thread. I don't post much but I like to check on old friends from time to time. Life is good for the most part. I really did love Mitch so much and it still pains me that it's all over. I try to imagine a future some day with a man in it who loves me and my kids to pieces but it seems a little like a fairy tale right now--I'm not willing to settle so I may be in for a long wait.
I'm loving up my children and focusing on them. I'm scuba diving often and making art. I'm considering moving to the Pacific Northwest (just got back from the Olympic peninsula) and I'm keeping a cordial relationship with the ex (been D'd since December).
Take care and keep us updated on how things develop. I really hope it is nothing and that he is being truthful about how he feels about you and your future together.
Thanks, Althea, I think you're right. He does come home on time, he isn't being sneaky, except about the phone calls.
Last night, I messed up though. I bought him a new charger for his phone, because he either lost or broke his, and he gave me his phone to take it to the car to charge. When I went to get it later, I saw ow's # on it, and showed it to H. He said you already knew it was there. And then he said "All is not what it seems here". I asked him what he meant, and he repeated it, so, I think you are right, possibly, that it is ow trying to rope him back in. I then just nodded my head, let it drop, and started talking about the Olympics, which we were watching.
The night went on uneventfully, and this morning, everything seemed normal, and we snuggled for a moment , before we got up to start the day, and hugged and kissed me goodbye, and said ILY.
So, I will continue to have hope. And I won't mention it again.
just writing a few thoughts H is still talking to ow, the calls were on the cell bill online. One call was for 60 minutes. It was showing as an outgoing call, so he is calling ow, not just ow calling him.
He does still say he is going to stay wih me and is not going anywhere, but I don't know, I cannot trust him, that may be gone forever, and many times I feel I don't love him all that much anymore. I think he could still be saved, but I don't believe he wants to be. I was reading some in the book Not Just Friends today, and it is such an insightful book.
Things have been so emotional and hectic, his F has terminal cancer, my mother had a stroke a few months ago, I think his mother is under a lot of stress, and my stepfather who had a stroke two years ago, has just given up, and would rather lie in bed and have a nurse clean him up, when he was up using a walker before, and was on his way to recovery. It is hard and awful to watch your parents get old, and sick. Oh, well, the circle of life. Makes me think of the song Lightning Crashes, especially the part where it says an old mother dies, and her confusion now belongs to the baby down the hall. My mother, when she had the stroke, and we didn't know if she was going to live or not, was in a hospital where the unit where she was, was down the hall from the maternity ward. That song came on the radio on my way home, and I cried all the way home.
I think I am making myself depressed, and I need to go and cook supper to take my mind off everything.
hey, jak, yes I did tell him I know about the calls, I looked at his cell phone right in front of him and there it was, ow #.
I stopped, looked at him, and he said what? I said I see you have been calling someone you are not supposed to be calling again. He said all is not what it seems here. I said well no contact MEANS no contact!! He repeated his comment, and I just looked at him and went away. So, yes, he knows I know.
Things are not awful right now, and we are getting along so much better than before. I really think he is struggling with himself, and I do think there could be a spiritual struggle going on, too. I can only stand by, watch, and give my support to the survival of our marriage.
[/quote] Things are not awful right now, and we are getting along so much better than before. I really think he is struggling with himself, and I do think there could be a spiritual struggle going on, too. I can only stand by, watch, and give my support to the survival of our marriage. [quote]
I here you. Im'e doing the same thing and think H is going through the same.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
