Thanks Sandi2, I am in the process of re reading TDR and DB for inspriration, every little bit helps.
My long time friend is going to contact my W and try to get her to talk or at least listen to what he has to say. He is also going to have his wife and a good friend of theirs try and talk to my W about the very good possibilty that the M is salvagable, boy that is an ugly term. I don't know that she will talk to them, but is she will listen to my friend for even 5 mins. I really think he can get through to her. This guy can sell snow to eskimos. She will probably get pissed about him calling but at this point anything is worth trying. Maybe someone saying something positive can help clear her head of the BS she has been hearing for the last month.
Last night I wrote her a 7 page letter, and earlier in the afternoon a 4 pager, suprisingly she read both. She has not said anything about either letter, but no news can be good news.
She has been home the last 2 nights, thankfully. Her being at home when I am at work makes my concentration so much easier, and considering my career (Police officer) I need every bit I can muster. Working overnights and around the OW 2 nights a week is frustrating for my W so I am trying to get a transfer to another precinct or shift, just somewhere away from the OW.
Even though she has been home the last 2 nights it was not unexpected, you see the OW is off and this makes the OM off limits to my W. I have pointed this fact out to her several times, and I know she is aware of it, but she still continues on. Revenge I guess, and I hope.
I can't even begin to say how theraputic this is just verbally cleansing like this, thanks.
My friend did get through to her and got her to admit to himn that if given time she would take a good look at the M again. She even told him that if we could go back in time she would still want the marraige to continue.
I am leaving the house for a while to give her some space and time to think. I am still going to see the kids daily and will contribute around the house, we just wont be hovering over eachother anymore. We have agreed that I am not abandoning the family just doing whatever it will take to try and rebuild what was once a great M and family.
Rebuild trust, then friendship and maybe romance will blossom. Her Affair is something she is going to have to deal with, on her own. You can support it, when she decides to break free. What ever you do, do not contact the OW anymore for any reason that will be counter productive to your cause.
Also as crummy as it sounds, humble pie is on the menu, do not flirt or talk with women and do not be out late at bars. This will also sabotage your progress. Hang in there, and work hard on yourself.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
CRS, please stay in close touch with us about the progress. I guess I don't know a lot more to say that hasn't been said to you already. It will help to talk to us and get things off your chest, plus like most people, things come up that you need advice on.....nearly daily.
Most of all.....show this woman of yours that she is the girl for you and nobody else! You have a lot of proving and she has a lot of forgiving.......and visa-versa.
My dad always told me that a couple could over-come anything as long as they had love on that bottom line.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry I haven't posted for a while. The usual ups and downs for right now.
The W is in Phoenix with her girlfriends for the weekend, I asked her to do some serious thinking while she was there. We got married when we lived in Phoenix, up in Sedona, which is a beautiful part of the state. She didn't say no to thinking, but she didn't say yes either.
I will be staying at a friends house for a while to try and give her the space and time she has asked for, that is what she says may help her, and maybe it will do me some good too. We are going to tell the kids on Monday that I ma not going to be coming home from work every morning but I will still see them almost everyday and when ever they want.
My 7 yr. old is already upset, a couple of days ago my W and I were in the car when we picked him up from school. When he got in the car and saw his mom with me he was so happy, asking if we are back together. It almost broke my heart because the W said nothing and it took me a minute to say "No, we are just going to pick up your moms car from the shop.". Today he asked me about a summer vacation, if my and I don't break up. I don't know what to say to him anymore.
The good news is that she will still talk to me, and on the advice of my C, I write her letters, which to my surprise she reads and even asks questions about after she reads them. I will take this as a positive sign for now.
Unfortunately the OM is still in the picture, she sees him on a regular basis, usually after she gets off of work at 10:30 pm, then she will come home around 2 am. This is based on HIS schedule, due to him working in the morning, also she never goes over on the days that his ex, my ex-OW is off of work .
I have pointed this out to my W numerous times that she is basically this "Fat, balding geeks" (Descriptions of him by people that know him, not mine) booty call. We both know she is better than that and should have more respect for herself thatn that but as I have been told by more than a few people, she knows how much her seeing and talking to him bothers me, much the same way my working around the OW bothers her, and this is a way for her to punish me.
I presented my W with my transfer request, she just said that it is only a couple of more months until I can pick where I transfer to, so don't make any waves. The transfer and reason for it would become a part of my permanant file and could hurt my career in the long run, so she has a point. Plus my hours would change making child care a real nightmare.
She also said, regarding the transfer, that it isn't what I might do, it's what I have already done. We have some major trust issues to deal with.
I picked up a book "How Can I Trust You" by Janice Abrams Spring. If anyone has read it or knows about it and its affect, positive or negative, could you let me know.
It has been 5 days since I left the house as part of our S, this has been a rough 5 days. I have still seen the kids everyday and talked to the W about the kids either in person of on the phone, but it is hard for me not to ask her about US.
I know GAL and all of that but I love her and after seeing my sons reaction when we told him that dad wouldn't be sleeping at home for a while, well needless to say he cried, I cried, and the W cried.
Everyday when I see him he tells me about his "plans" to help me and mom stay together. I try and explain to him that this is not his fault and that we just need some time because adults who still love each other just need time to work things out.
He is writing the W notes about letting me move back in and that he wants to do things as a family. I realize that this is him trying to fix the M in his way, but I don't know if I should discourage his actions because if we do end up divorced he might see himself as a failure, and I don't need a 7 yr old carrying around that burden. I know not to encourage his behavior, but by discouraging him he might see it as me not trying or not caring about the family which is the farthest thing from the truth.
He talks to me and tells me how sad he is when I am not there, that breaks my heart and makes me want to try and talk my way back in, but that defeats the purpose of the S, which is to give time and space. I have encouraged him to continue telling me how he feels and in an effort to prevent him from taking sides in this I have told him that if he feels sad when I am not around to talk to his mom about it. My W was surprised about him asking if he could move with me when we told the kids that I would not be sleeping at home for a while.
As for the D, things are still not moving, which I see as a tremendous positive, she doesn't even mention D or finding a mediator. I am giving her the time and space she requested and she seems to be backing away from the "this is it" rants that have been going on for the past 2 months.
I called her tonight earlier than I usually would, causing her to ask me if I really do carry my cell phone at work, which is something that has always bothered her. I explained to her that I had my phone with me instead of in the car because I changed at work and brought it in with me. Normally as a rule I always leave my phone in my personal vehicle until I load up my work car, then I will leave my phone in the work car unless I need it. There has been may occasions where she tried calling me and because I was away from my car I would not answer, sometimes for hours, causing her to be suspicous. I always told her the truth about why I don't carry it on my person at work which is simply that I don't want my phone broken, lost, stolen, or people asking to use my personal cell phone, not because I was avoiding her.
As I have said before, I love her with all of my heart and I will continue to work towards a R, whatever it may take. I gave up on alot of imortant things in my life in the past, but I am not going to make the mistake when it comes to my family and marriage.
