Been a while since I've posted here. I feel, I've got a much easier situation than a lot of folks here as we have no children. We have been seperated around 6 months now I think. I've steadly been growing stronger and more relaxed, not where I want to be yet but I'm pretty sure I'm on the right course to get there. Really not sure where W is at, it's futile trying to guess, hasn't pushed for D but hasn't made any moves to come back either, when we do see each other she blows warm and cold.
Some little techniques I've learn't along they way that work for me I'd to share: When your feeling sad: feel sad, don't do it in front of your spouse or their friends or their family but get yourself to a safe place and let the sad flow, have a cry, say a few f**k its, whatever lets it flow for you. If you keep it corked you can't relax. You will feel better after. When your feeling angry: Play a little mind game, just suppose your spouse was gone, never to return, aducted by aliens, you know their not but what would you do if they were gone? What would you do? Why not do that now?
When your feeling desperate and needy. Try thinking of the not-so-good things about your spouse.
When your feeling like filing for D: Imagine an instant D was available, you can push a button and its done. Push the button, you've got your D, what's different now? What would you do differently? Why aren't you doing that now? When you are feeling happy and strong: Enjoy it, make the most of it, take note of what you did to get here, actually right it down, what thought or action got you here so you can try the same thing again when the next dip in the rollercoaster comes. If your feeling on a high and you see your spouse on a low be careful not to gloat. When you are feeling overwhelmed and confused: Take a break, go for a walk, a run, a ride, better still a holiday, give yourself time to relax and think and mull stuff over. When your feeling lost without a path to follow: Read DR again, read some other books.
It is such a huge decision to get the D when you are the one left behind. My h walked out and moved in with ow, it has been 6 months and he has told me to give up on him he does not want to and will never come home. He has asked for D but has done nothing about it. I want him back but he is dead set against ever trying or coming home, the only way to get on with my life is to file for D as he never will and he is happy to continue like this. We have a 14 month old D.
Great advice indeed. My sitch is much like your's WAWed. I am about to be in month four of separation. W keeps saying she is going to file but has yet to do so. Hangin' in like Gunga Din.
Last edited by one_light; 03/26/0805:48 PM.
Me: 35 WAW: 28 Bomb: 1/13/08 S: 1/14/08 D filed: 2/24/08 D final on 7/07/08
Do your damndest in an ostentatious manner all the time. -George S. Patton
My Sitch http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1405138&page=0&fpart=1
This sounds like my situation too. I have been living in a apartment out of my house at her request for 3 months...I have not approached her about us at all for about 2 months and she still has never brought it up...I have been so tempted to ask her to read books on marriage or to request a sit down and just listen to how she feels...but I am hanging in there...I have no idea where she stands right now...she does not initiate any talk at all about us and where we are heading...She only calls me concerning taking care of the kids ....I really am having a hard time not brining up a relationship talk because after reading several books I want to share all this information with her and start working on a better relationship...I have changed my whole perspective on marriage and want to start being happy with her as soon as possible...but everything I read has advised against it....Seems like she may never initate anything...She just acts like everything is good for her right now...is this a smoke screen??? It feels like she is not even thinking about us?? please respond with some support so I can hang in there. Would really like some advice from other WAW's on what they think would work....
Thanks for the advice WAWed. I feel pretty stuck today...lots of frustration and then it just turned into sorrow, hurt, and sadness. I feel really lonely and empty inside sometimes. It helps to come here, vent and connect with other people who are also trying to find their ways through such difficult times.
I'm going to add one tip to your list that sometimes helps me (I need to use it now): just come back to the next hour or even the next 5 minutes and that's all you have to have a plan for. I get overwhelmed thinking too far ahead...and sometimes even tomorrow is too far ahead for me.
Hey sideswiped and one_light, keep walking strong.
Zuma, you write "I have changed my whole perspective on marriage and want to start being happy with her as soon as possible." and there is nothing at all wrong in that, but it seems to have a chance of getting to that you have to in the first instance change your aim to "I have changed my whole perspective on life and want to start being happy with me as soon as possible."
For my own situation I understand my wife left because she saw a better life that didn't include me, she may be right. If I try, however subtly, to convince her she is wrong, she will try all the harder to show me she is right. What to do then? I set about improving my life, for me. Not to teach her a lesson but to make my life better for me. For me that's been, working less, doing travelling, picking back up sports I loved and had dropped, seeking out and making new friends with people I can really connect with by joining clubs for the sports I love. It has been hard pushing myself to do this, but gradually I'm feeling happier and more content in my skin. I'm enjoying life a lot more. It would be still be great to have my wife back, but only if she really wants to come back. But it's not vital to my existence any more, because happiness is now possible without her. If she does come back though I'll know its not because of any speech I made, it's because she will have seen me enjoying a life that she wanted to be part of again.
It's a bit like that story of the sun and the wind looking down on a man walking through the park and having a bet on who could get his coat off him. The wind goes first and blows and blows but the more the wind blows the more man wraps his coat tighter round him until the wind is exhausted and gives up in a huff. The sun simply shines and after a while the man takes his coat of himself.
Purr... It's crap sometimes eh. I still have crap days but less of them. Your tip about just thinking about day about the next hour, next 5 minutes, not your whole future is a great one.
This is right on the money. I see myself in a lot of your post and have experienced the same feeling. Yes, it hurts to be headed for a D (though neither of us has filed yet, she says she wants one and I have agreed to let her go; I'm out of the house so we have almost no contact). I've used this difficult time to re-evaluate my life in some very big ways and chart a new course for myself. Whether that includes her or not doesn't really matter at some level. I will live for myself and see what happens. Maybe we reconnect, or maybe I find someone else. Either way, I realize that my happiness depends on myself, no one else. I've gotten out of my old rut and see so many things in a new way. It feels good!
You guys are great. I have recently entered into the "watch what happens" stage. I gained control of myself and have been successfully DBing for about six weeks. Three weeks ago I got a hug from WAW. I was pretty stoked. I was sure at the time that that was the sign I had been waiting for. It wasn't. I haven't had a hug since. Even the almost accidental touches on the shoulder have cooled for now. I think she is just fighting her demons inside and they are desperately withholding affection. As if she is afraid that a positive sign might make it harder for her to reach her goal of finding what it is she is looking for. We have to see each other everyday when one of us shows up to take one of the two kids to school. Sometimes it is happy, kind WAW and sometimes it is angry WAW. I just maneuver around the WAW of the day with a smile. She doesn't talk about us, nor do I. She gets very excited to talk about the kids, so do I. She even planned a summer vacation for all of us but then cancelled it when she realized the logistics. The waiting is a hard part, but it's all hard. Our kids are good. We haven't brought them in too deep. I know many of you would suggest that I move on with my life, and that is how I am portraying myself, and I think it is working. I figure that eventually my heart will follow and I will be doing it for real. Maybe that will be the day my WAW gives me another sign. I sure could use another hug. Hang in there, and thanks.
ME41 WAW39 M14 SEP 11/07 ILYBNILWY d7,s4
Me 41 W 39 d7, s4 M 13 Bomb ILYBNILWY November 28th, 2007
This is great advice WAWed, I just hope I can do it justice. This is all all hard and overwhelming. I try everyday to appear happy and content, when inside I'm just a mess. I have bad days and slip up from time to time, but I think it's getting a little easier day by day. It helps so much to hear others stories and know that I am not alone in trying to save my marriage, even if I'm the only one trying.
That is my biggest hold up right now...the emotional rollercoaster. Your suggestions are great!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
