Thanks for your thoughts. Today will be a very difficult day. It is very hard to agree to something you want no part of and follow through with it. I wish it were 2:30 right now. I will try to be pateint and not take her demands personally. The L's will attempt to create a divide which will increase billing. I really wish she would attempt to Reconsile but that is not in the cards. I guess this is a journey I need to take and play it out as best be. I am being tested at all turns and must make careful determined decisions. I wish she would wake up and see the light she is shedding on me and the kids. This is very hard. I will be confident and happy.
It is great to have so much support on such a day. Moma said there would be days like this.
I will be confident and Happy. I really believe I am being tested by a higher power that has chosen me because I am strong and can handle it and do well. All of my support system tells me that if they had one friend that they could chose this to happen to because they could do well with it, it would be me (thanks). I am really looking forward to the rest of my life and future tests. In an odd way I feel really good.
OK....We went to the l's. She is dead set antimate that we are getting D. She does not Love me anymore and is ready to get a D. I have to tell you if I had the opportunity to walk away with half of our networth and a large amount of money every month I would walk away also. Forget about the kids, forget about the husband, I get the house, I would walk away also. The laws in NJ are rediculasly in favor of the women.
I don't know what to do from here. I am completely lost and don't know what to do but to move forward with what she wants.
Have been thinking of you. Glad you made it through the visit to the lawyers - it is such a tough time, but you seem to be handling it well. You will be OK. You dont know what the future holds, and I hope your W realises before its too late what she will be missing out on. My advice is to support her decisions and be a good friend and then GAL and have some fun yourself. You are right you could have walked away yourself, but you didnt because you are a strong person. But I also think that your W is doing the best that she can at the moment. Dont let yourself get bitter about the money. Something good is going to come out of this.
Hi BT -- Thought I'd post to your thread because I'm pretty much in the same place as you today. My stbxW is also very angry, does not love me anymore and I believe would be happy to see me living in the back of my truck and eating from dumpsters. (Why? after 16yrs. and raising our D together I'll never know) I was unsure of how the courts here (Can) would respond to her requests in the seperation agreement.
I realized early on that I had no control over the outcome of the process. The only thing that I could do would be to be honest about our financial situation and express my desire to be fair to us both. The good news was that the judge was able to see how completely unreasonable her claims were and said that it would be best for all involved ($$) to accept my fair offer. Will I be retiring early? No. Do I get the new car, boat, cottage that I wanted? No. Does my life proceed the way I had expected it to? No.
Will I have a roof over my head? Yes. Will I be able to feed myself and keep the lights on? Yes. Do I have an opportunity to continue my life, be happy with what I do have and hopefully meet someone who will love and respect me? Hell yes?
Don't get me wrong, I wish I (we) didn't have to be in this place. What I'm trying to say is, I will get through this and so will you. Have no fear. Be honest, be fair, be a good person and good things will come to you. Hang in there BT, you'll make it!
Must have been awful to face the court situation. I haven't gotten that far yet. I posted in your thread on MLC, so I'll keep this brief.
You've got to let her go. She'll get her way one way or the other. Don't roll over and give up what is rightfully yours, but you should let her go. If she wants to come back some day, then you have a decision to make. But for now, you cannot keep her in the marriage. You couldn't force her to marry you, and you can't force her to stay.
You will be just fine. That might take a while, but it will come. Keep working on yourself and doing what you can to live a joyous, meaningful life even in this terrible time. Even in painful moments like this we have blessings for which we can be grateful. Live in the moment and accept what is. Pain, stress, and anger come when we resist. Use this time to learn more about yourself and life in general, and it will not have been in vain. Take care of yourself, and do some good for others.
Need your thoughts.I found the below note from my very loving mother in-law written to my W April 1st. Sincerely one of the most influencal people in my life for 22 years. Some one I love very much along with her husband and her whole family. I respect her very much and she is truely a dear person. I was beyond shock. My question to you is shouls I respond. I was going to write a note and tell her how much I love her and respect her and then mistakenly attache the below note. My family said not to do it. NEDD YOUR THOUGHTS!. I am really shocked and hurt very badly. I know now that this is the end of my marriage.
Date: Tue, 1 Apr 2008 00:16:16 +0000
Well, it's at the end of cocktail hour and I should probably not send this. That said, you are a smart girl and can weed out the wheat from the chaff........... I'm nutty after drinks but not totally insane........... (notice cocktail hr was from 5PM to 12:16PM)
If you have ever learned a single thing about 'timing', it's time to put it into effect NOW. Be calm, be cool, be sarcastic with a smile, bounce the bullshit back with a smile and a soft voice, be LOW KEY with the same soft voice, and be a royal pain in the ass with a perfectly reasonable soft voice. Answer all the [censored] with a common sense approach even if it costs you a few bucks............new locks where there are no keys for the old ones...........no brain surgery there (!), get taxis when you don't think it's wise to drive--------a total 'change of plan' from what he wants and expects if/when you are challenged as a good and responsible parent. etc. Think OUTSIDE the box he will continue to try to put you in!
For years he has amused himself and made himself feel superior by pushing your buttons and trying to make you look "The Nut". You have played into his hands more times than I am happy with, but then again I have never been treated quite like that and have not walked in your shoes. It all needs to STOP NOW because the mud is gonna fly and it won't be 'pretty' for awhile. That said, "this too shall pass"!!
The rubber is hitting the road, My Dear Sweet Girl! You are infinitely smarter than he is; you and your girly friends----when you really put your heads together------ will be quite formidable; and you and I together are The [censored] BOMB! (I will pay for your tongue repair surgery, but you're gonna have to bite it for a bit!)
YOU are going to have to get on your knees every night and pray like a mad woman for God to give YOU the strength to be The Voice of Calm Reason in that house. YOU must commit yourself to taking a step back each and every time he does his [censored] Dance. THINK first and respond later!!!! And anticipate the foolishness! Go outside the 'box' and do something so goddamned CALM and so goddamned REASONABLE as a response to his antics that he is tossed off the bridge at the end of the day by his own silliness. He throws 'drinking' in your face? If you cannot ignore it (the best scenario!), just smile and laugh and make a ONE SENTENCE low-key comment NOT LOUD---- ----just a calm, smiling, KNOWING, off-hand comment that in his heart he knows is true WITHOUT DRAMA. And then walk the hell away and DO NOT ENGAGE!!! Trust me, the KIDS know this [censored]------------they've lived it. You don't need to preach a sermon and his recent 'come to Jesus' won't erase all those years of knowing what the hell went on in that house! (I'm 61 and I remember what went on on Middle Street VERY well (her childhood house, Father was a drunk)..............)
ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is gonna go out of his mind to make you crazy and/or appear crazy. You have to STOP, THINK, give it a moment to come up with a CALM response, then SMILE BECAUSE YOU HAVE COME UP WITH A BLUFF-CALLER. You need to be 'walk-away girl' or very calm and succinct in your responses for these next months. Do NOTHING that allows him to paint you THE NUT!!!!
This is not brain surgery! Spend the money, take the kids out of their comfort zone if he presses you, FIND a perfectly REASONABLE way to meet his challenge!
You can do this, Darlin'! You are one of the smartest women I know, and I would pick you for MY team any day, any way, and any goddamned time I need somebody to watch my back and/or hatch a plan!
You need to totally DISENGAGE (which I think is a small step) emotionally and just look at him as a con man who's trying to pick your pocket...........of money, of assets, of the emotional connection to your children, and of your goodwill that you've earned in your community. You can't scream and yell loud enough or long enough for 'justice' so what you have to do is beat the son-of-a-bitch at his own.....SMILING ALL THE WAY.....................
To reiterate: His TOTAL FAVORITE drill has always been the "Sally's Nuts" routine. Variations coming at you now are the 'drunk' thing and the 'shirking parental duties' deal. God knows there will be more! But you must remember-----while you're pissed and frustrated----that this is more smoke and mirrors from a desparate man who is depending on YOU to go 'round the bend in order for HIM to 'look good'........... YOU MUST STAY CALM..............AND COOL...........AND AMUSED............AND TOTALLY UNFLAPPABLE!!!! It will unhinge him!!!! Please trust me!!!! And Steve and Amy and Cheryl!!! And if I am wrong (which I never am!), being the calm, cool, lady in that house will NEVER hurt you........ .... I can't lose............!!! ;-)"
Do not respond, Treeman. You need to ask yourself what the result would be if you did. Revenge? I guess so...but you need to take the high road, buddy. You can't do anything at all that will reflect badly on you.
In any fight, it's important to know when you've been beaten.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Minkerman's right, do nothing! Firstly, I can certainly understand how hurt you must feel after reading that, how could you not be BUT remember that blood will ALWAYS stick up for blood, your MIL is protecting her baby and she has only heard what her baby has told her which will be warped as hell, of course. So just let it go, and move ahead there is nothing to gain from responding to a note that was not meant for your eyes in he first place. So sorry you found that note and read it, it must hurt badly. Chin up, BT!
