From what I understand, addiction is a pattern, regardless of the type of "drug," - alcohol, drugs, internet porn, even sex behaviours including affairs. When a person's addiction is what they believe is "just how they are," what is the point in asking them to get help, when they don't think they need it?
H:55 M:54 D:16 M:1983 A#2:11/05 I moved out:09/06 A ended:01/08, new A started 05/08 D: tbc - sometimes this fall??
"You did what you knew how to do. When you knew better, you did better" - Maya Angelou
In my dark times, when I've come in here, few things have inspired me more than having people share their experiences and successes. Knowing that someone else has been there, having them share their tips for success, what kept them strong, what pitfalls to avoid...it helps so much.
There is already so much static from "well-meaning" friends and family who just know that someone they love is hurting so they push for separation & divorce that it is refreshing and uplifting to have people who are or have been through this pushing for reconciliation. I'm tired of people calling me a Pollyanna, naive, too goodhearted, etc. - I deeply, devoutly, firmly agree with Michele's credo that aside from abusive relationships/addictions, divorce is not the answer.
I've had friends baffled by how someone so logical, rational, scientifically-minded, can "abandon" their logic and fight so hard for an MLC wife, openly discuss his reliance on God and prayer, and be so trusting and supportive of his MLC wife. They just don't get it.
The folks in place, however, DO.
Me: 47 Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8 Bomb: 5/5/08 Married: 16 years, together 20 Divorce final 8/11/10 I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12... "Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
Sometimes someone will say they are giving up because they are frustrated. We're sorry to see them suffer or are tired of hearing them not make headway.
That is not the time to encourage them to leave or support a decision to divorce. There are so many other options.
Sometimes its just time they need to regroup, to learn to do things differently.
Sometimes it's hurt and/or bitterness setting in.
These are the times to help them heal those things, look at the situation differently (an ACT AS IF) and/or soften their hearts.
Most everywhere in the persons day to day life they are likely to hear their spouse is a jerk. It's time to give up. It's time to move on. Your needs aren't being met.
For many folks, this is the only place that supports their chances of recreating the love in their life.
The truth is many people who give up, initially are euphoric they did.....and years later depressed they did. Some of them come back here to DB that next relationship.
Be the voice of hope. The voice of life and love.
Last edited by sgctxok; 07/01/0810:05 PM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Sometimes someone will say they are giving up because they are frustrated. We're sorry to see them suffer or are tired of hearing them not make headway.
That is not the time to encourage them to leave or support a decision to divorce. There are so many other options.
Sometimes its just time they need to regroup, to learn to do things differently.
Sometimes it's hurt and/or bitterness setting in.
These are the times to help them heal those things, look at the situation differently (an ACT AS IF) and/or soften their hearts.
SG - I've been trying so many different things to save my M. Other than prayer what is left for me to do? When I'm nice I'm walked on. When I'm angry she's hurt and I'm the bad guy. When I say quick statements of how I feel she picks and chooses what I say to make her arguments.
In the same month she forgot my B-day and our wedding anniversary. When I bought my own B-day cake she said it's going to be my fault if D10 grows up with a screwed up childhood. I bought my W some flowers and a card for our anniversary. She got me nothing and it didn't bother me.
She went on a weekend trip on the July 4th weekend and I had D10. She called once to say she got there safe. After that she didn't call. Our D kept asking me when Mom was going to call. I didn't have an answer b/c my W told me she didn't have good reception. When I told D10 to call her mom's cell and leave a message her mom answered. It made me look like a real jackass. My W is good to everyone else but her family.
She thinks she's a good mother to D10 and I can't tell you how she behaves when I'm not around. All I can tell you is I know I'm a good dad.
I don't want a D - I'm taking my M vows seriously and hoping something happens. But what is there left for me to do?
Sometimes someone will say they are giving up because they are frustrated. We're sorry to see them suffer or are tired of hearing them not make headway.
That is not the time to encourage them to leave or support a decision to divorce. There are so many other options.
Sometimes its just time they need to regroup, to learn to do things differently.
Sometimes it's hurt and/or bitterness setting in.
These are the times to help them heal those things, look at the situation differently (an ACT AS IF) and/or soften their hearts.
SG - I've been trying so many different things to save my M. Other than prayer what is left for me to do? When I'm nice I'm walked on. When I'm angry she's hurt and I'm the bad guy. When I say quick statements of how I feel she picks and chooses what I say to make her arguments.
In the same month she forgot my B-day and our wedding anniversary. When I bought my own B-day cake she said it's going to be my fault if D10 grows up with a screwed up childhood. I bought my W some flowers and a card for our anniversary. She got me nothing and it didn't bother me.
She went on a weekend trip on the July 4th weekend and I had D10. She called once to say she got there safe. After that she didn't call. Our D kept asking me when Mom was going to call. I didn't have an answer b/c my W told me she didn't have good reception. When I told D10 to call her mom's cell and leave a message her mom answered. It made me look like a real jackass. My W is good to everyone else but her family.
She thinks she's a good mother to D10 and I can't tell you how she behaves when I'm not around. All I can tell you is I know I'm a good dad.
I don't want a D - I'm taking my M vows seriously and hoping something happens. But what is there left for me to do?
Fixer
I understand....and I don't mean stand forever. When you're done, you're done.
I support Michele's stand that people are here for encouragement and hope.....and we should never help them get to a different point. That said..........if you have to stop trying to save that relationship to save yourself....do it.
And we will do all we can to help you heal and rebuild.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
