I could have posted this in the WAS forum, or Midlife Crisis, but since our problems really started with an affair I will do it here. We have been married for 18 years. I have moved around all my life with and for my H, left 2 jobs for him, each after 8 successful years. Shortly after I quit the last job I became extremely ill with Lyme, and even though I have recovered quite well I will never be able to work full time again and will likely need antibiotics for the rest of my life. We had a harmonic marriage and were always supportive of each other. 5 months ago my H took on a promotion in Atlanta and we both agreed that it would be best for me to stay behind in Charleston, SC to sell our house. He came home every weekend (still does even though he clearly does not want to) and we talked 2-3 times a day (not anymore). 6 weeks ago he informed me that he had started an affair, with an 8 year older coworker no less. The more his feelings for her increased, the more they declined for me, and at this point he wants out of the marriage. Of course I did all the things that one should not do before reading DR. Now I know what do do and what not, I`m in between the 180 and the last resort, and had 1 DB coaching lesson. I`m still totally at a loss what to do when he wants to talk THE TALK. I told him that IMO at this point we should not make any final decisions, both of our feelings being so in turmoil. My situation being as it is he has a lot to lose in every possible way, but financially too. Which I told him before DR and it did not go over well. He is still in "the fog", has not ended the affair. I know they want to, only not to lose their jobs though. She is trying to find somethings else. When the affair first started we agreed that after selling the house we should rent a house there together and wait until I got back on my feet. Whatever that means; and easier said than done in my situation. But his attitude changed over time, now he wants me to either stay here or have 2 households there. Yesterday he sent a very cruel email that had me crying all day, counting all my "faults" that never bothered him before. A lot of his sudden resentment is about my illness, which makes this so much worse. There is not much I can do about having to go to see my specialist in Washington DC or the meds or rest I need. He claims that`s all my life is about. Which is nonsense of course, but he suddenly seems to resent everything about me. I`m attractive, and I mostly don`t look sick, so that`s not it. Ever since I started feeling better about 3 years ago I have been applying for part time jobs in my field, but had no luck. There are not many to begin with and for all of them I was over-qualified, which seems to be worse than not having any qualifications at all. Now he will be home in a few hours, for a long weekend and I just don`t know how to avoid the issue when he insists. He alreaady accused me of procrastinating.I also wonder if, when he is so far gone in his crazy mind, it will be worth the pain if I try to ride it out. The way he is acting now he reminds me of a bucking colt. He has no remorse, then this new cruelty, cold as ice (he was usually rather nice and gentle). Now I just don`t know if HE is worth it. I don`t even like him anymore, let alone love. He was always somewhat introverted and emotionally distant, but had a lot of good in him too. It`s like some evil twin has replaced my H.
If you are talking about the 'talk' being about divorcing, then you sit and listen, do a lot of "I can understand how you see it that way" and "Sorry you feel that way.". You can also add in that you don't want this divorce, that you can picture your life differently, but that you won't fight it. I am sure your DB coach has even better advice.
I am so sorry about that email, listing your faults. I have been the target of "Here's what's wrong with you" many times. It hurts and I can see the resentment (almost disgust) in H's face. With your illness (I am so sorry about your Lyme), that makes it even worse for him to throw that in your face. Remember, he is hurting and lashing out at you. Much of what he says, he says out of anger, and it just isn't the truth.
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. The way he is acting now he reminds me of a bucking colt. He has no remorse, then this new cruelty, cold as ice (he was usually rather nice and gentle). Now I just don`t know if HE is worth it. I don`t even like him anymore, let alone love. He was always somewhat introverted and emotionally distant, but had a lot of good in him too. It`s like some evil twin has replaced my H.
Yes, ma'am. I hear ya on this one. Its horribly painful, them being distant, cold, uncaring. HUGS
As for the mean stuff he says - he has to do this to justify his behavior. He has to demonize you, because otherwise he's just an a-hole who left his wife when she was sick.
And I know it's tough when you have an "invisible" disease. I had thyroid problems which were really quite disabling for a while; but because my husband couldn't "see" my illness, it wasn't quite real to him. I'm sure he'd have been a much better husband if I'd had polio or cancer or some more "visible" illness. Jerk.
That being said - don't underestimate the difficulty your H may have had living with your illness. In a way, it robbed him of the wife he had, the life he had or expected to have. Not that it excuses his behavior in any way.
As for you - it's important to make decisions for YOU. If you ASSume that the aliens that have taken over his body are going to occupy it for, say, the next five years - how will you live your life? What dreams of yours have you put on hold for your H, that you could dust off and polish? What clever ways could you put your brainpower to work to earn a fabulous living on your own? What could you be doing TODAY to get joy out of life? Don't let your husband's weakness and stupidity rob you of a minute of living. What are your dreams and goals? Could you siphon a little money out of the family accounts and take off for a European vacation? Some real 180 that would surprise him - or at least fulfill one of your dreams?
As for the weekend with H - don't be there for any part of it you don't want to be. If the convos get too uncomfortable, suddenly "remember" a social obligation you have to go to. You don't have to participate in any conversations that you don't choose to.
The thing with Lyme is that my once marvelous brain is not what it used to be. My plan is to get certified here (we moved here from Germany 10 years ago, where I managed a large eye surgery clinic)so that I can get a part time position in that field. To pursue dreams like nursing school or to study interior design is just not realistic I think. I can see why my illness has burned him out too. It`s costly, there is a lot of traveling. And since he is a control freak, who insisted on doing all our paper work at home, he was even more involved. I read a number of books on infidelity and I know why he is demonizing me. Since his affair is only 6 weeks old I somehow still hope that he will see the light. We had an affectionate marriage. We hardly ever fought, never to a point where we would not speak afterwards. Right before the affair started we were sitting on our sofa holding hands while watching a movie. He always picked up my hand when we were walking somewhere. It`s all so bizarre. She is older, he rather likes younger women. She has a cat, to say he does not like cats is an understatement. We have a large dog. She uses scented candles or some nasty air freshener (I can smell if he was at her place), he used to hate that stuff. I once threw away orange oil scented tea candles because he did not like it. So far he has not mentioned the D word, but I have. Just the bit about 2 seperate households. What he wants right now is his freedom. I will work on my 180.
